Expecting Tips

Today's set of new dad tips comes from Some Guy. You might remember his last guest post, Cleanliness Is Next To Impossible. Check out his blog!

There are some husbands out there who have never been in a maternity ward.  I'll give you some tips on what to expect, but not too many.  That would take all the fun and wonder out of it.  If your wife is going to have a C-section, then there's not as much fun and wonder involved.  My wife has not had a C-section, so I can't give you any tips on that.

Anyway, here are my thoughts on being a ward of the maternity, umm, wing.

1. For men, the term for a delivery that isn't a C-section is "normal delivery".  Women might use another term, but guys are incapable of using that term.

2. Make sure you know where all the nearby eating establishments are located before you need them.  You will need them for yourself, and your wife might appreciate having real food after the delivery.

3. Remember that you are there for your wife and baby.  You are not there to use up the bandwidth on the free wireless connection in the hospital.  If you're getting evil glares from the nurses, you might want to stow the laptop for a while.

4. Your wife is not yelling at you; she's yelling with you.  My wife opted for the epidural each time, so there was no yelling.

5. The epidural is your friend.  And your wife's friend too.  No, you do not get an epidural - what I meant is that your wife's epidural is your friend.

6. Take a picture of the clock when the doctor announces the time of birth.  I know it's practically useless because the time is recorded elsewhere, but people like it.

7. The doctor does not spank the baby right after the birth anymore.  And the doctor does not approve of your trying to spank the baby at that point either.

8. If the doctor says that you should cut the umbilical cord but you don't really want to because you're not good with medical/bloody/gunky stuff, you are allowed to decline.  If the doctor persists, say that you feel faint and need to sit down.  They'll bring you juice and leave you alone for a while.

9. Your main job after the baby is born is to count the fingers and toes.  Of the baby.  Do not neglect this duty.

10. It's fun to update your wife's Facebook status throughout the whole process.  Be sure to write from her point of view, and people will be amazed that she had the fortitude to be typing on a laptop during contractions.  And it's best to get her buy-in beforehand.



Russ said...

My wife has had two C-sections--one was unscheduled and one was scheduled (and so will the next one, probably). The scheduled ones was a lot less hectic and chaotic than the first one... in fact, it was about as exciting as getting your taxes done. You go to the hospital, you sit and wait, go into another room, and an hour later you get a tax deduction (I think I might be confusing the two of them a bit). But yeah, much less hectic than the first one that we thought was going to be normal delivery.

Ricky Anderson said...

So does that mean you're expecting, too?