Motorcycle Butterfly Stowaways


3:30 AM

All household occupants are sleeping peacefully.

Except the smallest, a stowaway named Evan.

A piercing scream pierces the quiet, piercingly.

The groggy male caretaker is instantly on his feet, scrambling to the scene of the crime.

Groggy Male Caretaker: What's the matter, Bubs?


Groggy Male Caretaker: What hurts?!?

Evan: I wanna hold it!

Groggy Male Caretaker: Hold what? What's going on?

Evan: The butterfly! Wanna hold the butterfly! Wanna hold it!

Groggy Male Caretaker: Don't we all, Son. Time for bed.

Evan: Nigh-nigh, motorcycle!

Groggy Male Caretaker: Good night, Son.

Groggy Female Caretaker: What was the problem?

Groggy Male Caretaker: Butterflies.

Groggy Female Caretaker: Again?

Groggy Male Caretaker: Can't trust 'em.

Weirdest late night experience - Go!

Vegging Tales

The plot to every episode of Thomas the Tank Engine can be resolved by getting rid of Thomas. If I was Sir Topham Hatt, I would sell him for scrap or pay James to nudge him off a cliff. Super Why! is the most annoying and ridiculous kid's show ever. The theme song has about 4 words and gets stuck in your head all week long until it makes you stabby. Example plot: kid in class is asked what 3 + 2 is. He then ditches class with his friends and goes to their top secret command center, where they don superhero costumes and start researching books for the answer. I turned it off at that point. would have been easier to stay in class, yes? Evan was watching Little Einsteins on the iPad the other day while I was cleaning. He came running up to me, crying his eyes out. "SCARY! Rocks are scary!" Curious, I picked up the iPad to see what was going on. The Little Einsteins were trying to stop an asteroid field from destroying the earth. Yikes! "That IS scary, Son. Let's watch something else." Evan selected The Magic School Bus. I started it and headed off to finish cleaning. His wails brought me trotting back. Tears were dripping off his chin. I picked up the iPad and sure enough, they were flying the school bus through an asteroid field, talking about how they could be destroyed any second. So basically I'm teaching my son to fear an imminent death from space rocks. Go me.

What kids' shows do you love or hate?

The $287 Bill

The man approached the bank teller with confidence.

He handed him a crisp bill with Lincoln's face on it.

Man: Hi. I'd like to get change for this.

Teller: Will five ones do, or do you need quarters as well?

Man: No, I'd like 14 twenties, and 7 Susan B. Anthonys.

Teller: What? This is a $5.

Man: No, it's a $287 bill.

Teller: There's no such thing!

Man: But there should be!

Teller: And yet there isn't!

Man: *Grabbing a pen* There is now...pass over my Susan B. Anthonys!

Teller: Just because you write "287" on it and cross out the "5" doesn't make it a $287 bill.

Man: Sure looks that way to me! What gives you the right to decide?

Teller: This is a $5 bill. That's what the U.S. Treasury intended it to be. No more, no less. I don't make the rules, Sir. I don't have to like the rules, but I do have to comply.

Man: But I would be a lot happier if this was a $287 bill! Why don't you want me to be happy?

Teller: I'd like for you to be happy, Sir. I just would like for you to be happy with a $5 bill.

Man: You bankers and your rules! If you all would just relax, we could all have our own way and be happier. What do you care if this bill is a $5 bill or a $287 bill? It doesn't affect you. You wouldn't be giving me your own personal money as change; it would be the bank's.

Teller: If everyone made their $5 bills into $287 bills, inflation would make the $287 bill the new $5 bill. We wouldn't accomplish anything but driving prices higher. And I don't know about you, but I don't want things to cost more. I'd have to live in the world you created, which isn't the way things were intended to be. That's how it affects me.

Man: You're so hateful and judgmental!


Superphone Tasty Cologne

When I first found my son standing in our shower, sucking on the cap to my cologne bottle, banging the bottle on the shower door, I was annoyed. Then it occurred to me - what else are you going to do when you're two and Mom and Dad won't turn on the TV for you or let you use the iPad?

I used to call the gym "the Hurting Place". I don't do that anymore since I stopped going when we bought an elliptical machine. Now I walk up to it and say, "Hello, Newman."

Buying the new iPhone will give me superpowers, yes? I seem to remember that's how it works.

We got our refrigerator 9.5 years ago. It has a water dispenser in the door. I have never changed the water filter for this dispenser. I prefer the water from the refrigerator dispenser over our tap water. Either this means the filter is still good, or I prefer water filtered with yuck. Let's go with option 1.

What have you been lax about lately?