Amazing NASA Batteries

The following is an email I sent to the manufacturer of our bathroom scale, which is on the fritz:

Greetings Dapper Sirs and Stunning Madams,

We have an EatSmart Precision GetFit scale. We bought it on Amazon around Christmas.

It's great. We love it. It works hard.

Too hard, in fact.

It won't turn off. Ever. It just shines day and night, broadcasting my failure for all to see.

Now to be fair, I have a two year old son. He's constantly pushing buttons on it, so it's entirely possible he reprogrammed it like that one time he turned our DVD player into a rogue NASA satellite.

I can turn it off by removing all the batteries, but then my son puts them in his mouth, which is frightening but also hilarious because he winces and then proudly says, "That's aMAZing!"

So, to recap - Do you have any ideas as to how I can make my scale behave like it did when it was shiny and new?

Thank you so much for your time.


Ricky Anderson

How do you think they'll respond?

Edit: They sent us a new scale, with exactly zero hassle!

Potty Training and Vladimir Putin

Whenever I'm injured, no matter how slightly, I subconsciously limp a bit. Whether I stub my toe, have a headache or a sore throat, I find myself limping ever so slightly. That Oscar has my name on it, right?

We're 0-2 on potty training attempts (for Evan, not for us). He hates it with a fiery passion. Navy Seals have Hell Week. Toddlers have Potty Training. And if you're one of those superstar parents whose kiddo got it down in 15 minutes, I'll just sit here and assume you outsourced the potty training.

Oooh! Here's an idea: An advice column by Vladimir Putin about estate and probate matters. It would be called "Putin On Heirs".

I can't Gantt.
   (My sincerest apologies if you got that one.)

Are you potty trained?

Two Tickets, Please

Evan has a toy airport and airplane. He loves to simulate the entire traveling experience. He checks luggage, loads the plane, and flies the passengers to the next airport, which is really just landing on the other side of the first airport.

I made him a ticket / boarding pass the other day. I stamped it with our return address stamp in order to make it official.

I told him I'd be traveling for work soon.

He asked if he could come, too. I said no.

He asked if I would have a ticket to give the airplane man. I said yes.

He ran into the other room and came back holding his ticket.

"Evan has a ticket! Evan give ticket to airplane man and ride airplane with Daddy?"

I'll be needing an extra ticket, Boss.

My precious cargo won't be in the overhead bin, he'll be with me.

When were you surprised by a child's request?

Shaken, Not Stirred

Some users are lucky you can't reach through the phone and shake them.

This is also a sign my phone is defective and will no longer be answered.

User: Would you please remote into my computer and fix this issue?

Me: That's not really an issue; it's working like it should.

User: But I don't like it doing that.

Me: I understand how that can be frustrating. Would you like me to remote in and show you another way to accomplish what you're trying to do?

User: That'd be great!

Me: Ok, I'm in. So if you look at this option over here -

*User grabs control back and opens their email*

Me: Um, if you look at this -

*User grabs the mouse and fires up Pandora*

Me: If you don't mind, I can just show you -

*User starts talking to a coworker*

*I simply change a setting that will let the user do what they want to, without waiting for the user to learn it since they obviously don't care*

Me: You're all set. You just need to reboot for the change to take effect.

User: Do you mean log off and back on?

Me: No, I meant reboot.

User: What, like now?

Me: Yes, please.

User: Ok, I'll call you back.

*10 minutes later*

User: Ok, I'm back. I just logged off and back on, though. I didn't reboot. Is that ok?

*Blink, blink*

Me: No, please reboot your computer and have a great day.


What drives you crazy?

National Kazoo Day 2014

Check out other National Kazoo Day videos by Jan Moyer and Amanda Bast.

How are you celebrating National Kazoo Day?

NEENJA Burrito Clocks

I am so tired I can't think straight.

But I'm also jittery because of all the coffee.

This has led me to wander around the office and tell my coworkers I'm a "NEENJA!"

NEENJAs are probably a bit more covert than I am.

One of my coworkers just handed me a breakfast burrito. I am declaring him an honorary NEENJA.

I don't like grandfather clocks.

Are you a NEENJA?

Meet Eliana Jane

What did you get for Christmas?