Ace Tips for New Dads

Big News:  We're pregnant! After more than 2 years and multiple fertility treatments...nothing. Then in November the doctor told us it wasn't going to happen.

Then in December, God decided otherwise!

So to celebrate, I asked some buddies for tips on being a dad.

First up is Jared Clifton, who creatively named his blog after himself. He's cool like that.

Here's Jared...

I married a smokin' hot lady with 2 kids. They're 6 and 7 and she raised them right, so I didn't really have to do anything to mold them into the best kids anyone has ever met. But because I can't just say "Find a smokin' hot, single mom who raised her kids right"* and leave it at that, I've got to write about something. I've been around babies enough to know some stuff about what they need and I'm pretty sure I can give some solid advice for new dads of babies.

*Although that's probably my best advice.

Feed Them- If there is one things a baby can't do, it's feed itself. Their hand-eye coordination and motor skills are worse than a 5 minute old Shetland Pony. So, I guess just make sure stuff isn't too hot and it's all mushed up so they can gum it down. Probably start with milk, I think. But milk gets expensive, so some Mt. Dew should be fine, too.

Wash Them- Again, the poor hand-eye coordination and motor skills makes it hard for them to turn on a bath tub, so it's your responsibility as a responsible dad to make sure their clean. I think this would probably be easiest if you do it once or twice a week, out in the yard with some Dawn dish washing liquid and a hose. The hose should be pretty powerful, because even though they don't really do much, babies can get real dirty.

Talk to Them- Like, about the world and stuff. It's never too early to make them knowledgeable about the plight of third-world countries and how our government screws us over every chance they get. Then you can have a onesie that says "Conspiracy Theorist In Training"! If they don't have anything to say back, it's probably because they can't talk yet. But, if my research is correct, they should be able to carry on cohesive, intelligent conversation within about 3 months of birth.

Teach them Fiscal Responsibility- You must instill in your baby the value of a dollar earned. Your baby wants diapers? Make it pay for them. It wants a pacifier? Tell them to cut your lawn. Hugs? That's going to cost you too, infant. No free rides in this house!

Teach Them Stuff to Mold Them Into a Self-Sufficient Adult- If you have a boy, you can teach him how to change his own oil, fix the plumbing, repair the holes in the wall caused by playing baby hot-potato*, anything that will make him more manly and stubborn. If you have a girl, lock her in her room until she's 57 and tell her you're the only male that exists.

*If mommy would have actually tried to catch you instead of screaming "PUT THE BABY DOWN!" and crying, it wouldn't have happened.

Follow these few simple tips and you'll be well on your way to the coveted "#1 Dad" coffee mug.

What advice do you have?



Jared Clifton said...

I forgot I wrote this while I was huffing gas. Still pretty sound advice.

Knox McCoy said...

First, congrats Ricky. Being a dad is the greatest thing you'll ever do. Unless you created PF Changs. Then it will be like the 2nd greatest thing you can do. Not the best ever, but still really, really up there.

Secondly, I think Jared meant to start with Mountain Dew and end with Milk. Mountain Dew works as a sort of infant conditioner and the milk has shampoo-properties to really make those infant curls bounce.