User Ping Pong

Sometimes the users get so focused on an issue they're having that they can't listen to the solution.

User: Something's up with my computer. I can't log in from home. Can you check it out?

Me: Sure.

*User calls again, 6 minutes later*

User: I still can't connect. Didn't you say you were going to fix it?

Me: I'm running some diagnostics on it, so you won't be able to connect for a bit.

User: Ok, I'm trying it now.

Me: No, it-

User: It won't connect.

Me: I know. That's what I'm saying. It's going to take a while before I can fix the issue, so you won't be able to connect for a bit.

User: *Click* Grr! It still won't connect!

Me: Would you like to try a Burrito Supreme?

When has something funny happened to you because someone wasn't listening to what you were saying?

Photopalooza, Part II

When you call for help, and then fix it on your own before I get there, I don't mind.
When I get to your desk and find this, I really don't mind!

Oh, and good luck logging in tomorrow...

This was so funny to me in the store, I couldn't stop laughing.
Now I can't remember what was so funny.

When Mom decorates the baby's room.

When Dad decorates the baby's room.

Pick a pic and top my caption!

Suing Santa

Grandma                                                         *          IN THE
            Plaintiff                                               *          CIRCUIT COURT
v.                                                                     *          FOR
Santa Clause                                                  *        CIVIL ACTION NO.: xxx-xxxxx
            Defendant                                          *          
            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

Grandma, Plaintiff, by Screwem and Suem, LLC, her attorneys, sues the defendant, Santa Clause, and in support, states as follows:
  1. Grandma, Plaintiff, is a resident of Arkansas.
  2. Santa Clause, Defendant, is a resident of the North Pole.
  3. The Defendant regularly visits and is engaged in business in Arkansas.
  4. This action arises from a sled accident which occurred on December 24, 2011 at the intersection of 12th Street and Vixen Road. Both are public roads in Arkansas.
  5. On December 24, 2011, the Plaintiff, Grandma, was carefully and prudently walking home on the sidewalk, when she was violently struck from behind by the Defendant's reindeer, named Rudolph.
  6. At the same time, a sled pulled by reindeer and operated by Santa Clause, Defendant, was traveling, and ran over the Plaintiff, causing the Plaintiff to sustain serious personal injuries.
  7. All of the Plaintiff's losses and injuries were, are and will be due solely to and by reason of the carelessness and negligence of the Defendant, Santa Clause, without any negligence or want of due care on the Plaintiff's part contributing thereto.
    WHEREFORE, this Plaintiff claims ONE BILLION DOLLARS ($1,000,000,000.00) in damages.
    Respectfully submitted,
    Screwem & Suem, LLC

    No wonder Santa goes by so many names and has an unlisted address...

    Nathan Fillian has resigned as Santa Clause.

Christmas Is Insulting

We've all heard the political correctness in our society refuse to label Christmas as "Christmas". We're supposed to call it the "Holidays" or other such nonsense. The thought is that we'll insult folks who don't celebrate Christmas.

The irony is that I've never met anyone who found the mention Christmas insulting. Two of my Jewish friends have specifically told me they don't mind hearing "Merry Christmas". Which makes sense to me since I don't mind hearing "Happy Hanukkah".

This got me to thinking about ways that Christmas could be truly insulting...


"Merry Christmas! You look like a drunk elf."

Not Insulting

"Merry Christmas! Thanks for the egg nog."


"Merry Christmas! If you don't believe what I believe, then you're probably an axe murderer who kicks puppies. Would you like to go to my church and get badgered some more?

Not Insulting

"Merry Christmas! Would you like to join us at our church tonight to find out what it's all about?


Merry Christmas! Did your family all go on a vacation to an undisclosed location without you...again?

Not Insulting

Merry Christmas! I hope you get to enjoy seeing your wonderful family again this year.

Have you ever met someone who was genuinely insulted by the mention of Christmas?

Nathan Fillian is Santa.

I'm a Diva

But not as much as Joseph Craven is.

He took the day off, which caused a ripple in the fabric of the universe that caused me to take an unday off.

Which is a convoluted way of saying I'm not here today (as usual) since I'm over at Joseph's place.

Come eat at Joe's and find out why I'm a diva.

Guest Post for Badly Drawn Bible

Today Jared Hollier is hosting me on his blog, Badly Drawn Bible.

I know I'm not known for my artwork, but I think you'll be pleased with today's effort.

Nay, you shall be amazed.

For it is amazing.

And you'll wish you thought of it first...

Things I Always Wanted to Do But Never Did Because I'm a Loserface

  • Be an actor
  • Play an instrument
  • Write a book
  • Go on an international mission trip
    • I did make it to Missouri once
  • Learn another language
    • Lo siento, pero no comprendo por que soy Gringo. Donde esta los banos?
  • Be a comedian
  • Start my own company
  • Invent something awesome
    • Like a ninja robot from outer space
  • Ride a unicycle
    • I settled for a pogo stick

What have you always wanted to do?