New Dad Tip: The outfit you put your son in yesterday that your wife applauded you for will get you chastised today. Especially if it still has food on it and you're headed to church.
First Time Parents Tip: You'll watch movies differently after you have kids. My wife and I watch The Lord of the Rings every year. We're watching them again now to get ready for The Hobbit. Usually we would watch the first three films on three consecutive nights. This time around, we've spread 3 viewings over a week...and we're still on the first half of the first movie. We just play it until one of us falls asleep. That's usually 30 minutes in.
Movie Tip: I'm anxious to go see Lincoln. Rob Shepherd's dad plays Lincoln's doctor at the end (I won't spoil it by telling you he dies. Lincoln, not Rob's dad.). To get ready, I watched Evan Almighty again. Those two stories don't appear to be related, but they both have Rob's dad in them, so they must be. Plus, they both take place in Washington, D.C.
Give me a tip!
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Showing posts with label Dad Tips. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dad Tips. Show all posts
New Dad Tips - Guest Post for Kevin Haggerty
Kevin Haggerty may or may not be having baby.
Spoiler alert: He is. His wife is helping a smidge.
Kevin will be taking a bit of a break from blogging and asked some friends to fill in on his blog while he's gone.
Spoiler alert: I am not one of those friends. My post was unsolicited. But my check cleared, so I get to go first.
Head on over to Kevin's blog, The Isle of Man, and read my guest post. Then stick around and check out Kevin's site. Like me, Kevin blogs about a wide range of topics. Unlike me, Kevin can focus and convey clear thoughts. He's funny, he's serious, he's thoughtful, he's Batman.
Spoiler alert: Fish.
You're welcome.
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Spoiler alert: He is. His wife is helping a smidge.
Kevin will be taking a bit of a break from blogging and asked some friends to fill in on his blog while he's gone.
Spoiler alert: I am not one of those friends. My post was unsolicited. But my check cleared, so I get to go first.
Head on over to Kevin's blog, The Isle of Man, and read my guest post. Then stick around and check out Kevin's site. Like me, Kevin blogs about a wide range of topics. Unlike me, Kevin can focus and convey clear thoughts. He's funny, he's serious, he's thoughtful, he's Batman.
Spoiler alert: Fish.
You're welcome.
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Swiss Army Knives For Babies
I'm disappointed.
For the past few months, my son has been using a crib.
All that work for nothing.
He used to sleep in a Graco Pack 'n Play.
When you're about to have your first baby, you stalk the aisles of Babies "Backwards R" Us with uncontrolled glee. You see, you scan, you register. You are unstoppable. You have a laser gun.
What you don't do is stop and think. Is the item really worth a house payment? How long will my child use it? Can I get a used one on Craigslist (the item, not the baby (those are on eBay, not Craigslist))?
You see the Pack 'n Play. It's a playpen ("baby jail"). It's a bassinet. It's a changing table. It's portable and lightweight, yet sturdy enough to support a polar bear.
You get it home, full of multi-function expectations.
You can't find the instructions, but that doesn't matter since you never use them anyway. This thing is for babies; how hard could it be?
After unpacking all the parts and scattering them around the living room, you start to wonder if you've bit off more than you can chew. There weren't that many parts on the store display, that's for sure. Are you assembling a 747 or a playpen?
You dive in and start to make headway. The base structure is easy enough. Now for the attachments.
Oh, the attachments.
The electronic noise-making thingy plugs in here. The diaper changing flip-out jobber slides in there. Or maybe there. Oops, upside down...and on the opposite side. The bassinet cover clips in right here...and velcros over there...and snaps down here...now for a little glue...where are the staples?
4 hours and two migraines later, it's finished. You stand back with pride. Now to carry it into the bedroom.
As you pick it up, you feel something on the bottom.
The instructions, helpfully taped under the Pack 'n Play.
Helpful, because the darn thing won't fit through the door and now you have to take it apart and start over.
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So now you've learned several things:
- Don't buy stuff for babies.
- Have an experienced parent over to put stuff together.
- Getting stuff ready for your kids can expand your vocabulary more than Rosetta Stone.
- Think twice before buying a Pack 'n Play / garage door opener / toaster / satellite dish.
What awesome things have you put together? What have you bought that was multi-functional overload?
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So You're Going To Be a Dad - Guest Post by Kathy Richards
I first ran into Kathy Richards when Jon Acuff's Stuff Christians Like blog was taking off a couple years ago. She dominated the comments with her hilarious snark and wit. Since then, we've connected on Twitter, each other's blogs, and Words With Friends.
I don't really know what Kathy does. She's an artist, a writer, a literary agent, a webmaster, and probably a convict and/or international spy.
Check out her blog, but wait until after you read her post. It's kinda rude otherwise. Easter Egg: hunt around for the cheese butler post and leave a comment.
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During a recent game of Words with Friends, the following conversation took place with Ricky, aka Bob, aka Arthur, aka Ricky Bobby:
1357bob: Nice start.
Katdish10: I’m gonna beat you someday.
1357bob: Yes you will. Wanna write a guest post beforehand?
Katdish10: That was very subtle.
The rest of the conversation involved me asking him what he wanted me to write about and him telling me he was about to be a first time dad looking for some sound, deeply intellectual advice from me. Or something like that…
This was followed by me suffering yet another crushing defeat at the hands of 1357bob. But true to my word, the following are some insights into first time parenting seldom found in that dog-eared copy of “What to Expect the First Year.”
Sleep:
Get it while you can: now. Before the baby is born. Of all the things I was unprepared for when my son was born, the lack of adequate sleep was numero uno. Prolonged periods without a good night’s rest does things to a person. It’s a seldom shared Hollywood secret that all those extras in zombie movies are not heavily made-up actors and actresses but are, in fact, first time parents. The first year my husband and I were parents, our conversations about lack of sleep can be summed in four four-word phrases:
“Now we are family” (We were so blissfully ignorant at the hospital.)
“This kid never sleeps.”
“What have we done?”
and most importantly…
“This too shall pass.”
I would also recommend stocking up on DVDs of your favorite movies and/or television series to watch at 4:00 in the morning lest you become addicted to the late night infomercial.
Baby Products:
You have no doubt already either purchased or received as gifts a few baby products. Many are quite useful, others not so much. When I checked the Babies R’ Us website for the most requested registry items, the Diaper Genie was among the most popular. I had one. It seemed like such a good idea at the time. You probably have one sitting in a giant pile of baby stuff. Save yourself some time and money. Take that thing back and use plastic grocery bags instead. Have you ever seen sausage being made? The Diaper Genie works much like that only instead of ground pork or beef the casings are filled with stinky diapers. It’s really quite disgusting.
Most helpful baby products: An endless supply of diapers and wipes, Lavender Bed-Time Baby Wash, burp cloths and Infant Gas Drops.
Poop:
You may have had deep, philosophical conversations with your wife during pregnancy about what it means to bring another human being into this uncertain world and the miracle of childbirth, but after the baby is born much of your daily conversations will probably center around baby poop: how often, how much, what color it was and its consistency. I’m going to stop talking about this now because I just threw up in my mouth a little, but trust me when I tell you this is perfectly normal. Okay, maybe not normal, but certainly typical of new parents.
I hope this advice has been helpful. I’ll save the most important gem of wisdom for last:
Your wife is a beautiful woman made more beautiful in motherhood, but there will be days when she doesn’t feel that way. Days when she’s too exhausted to take a shower or even change out of her pajamas. Your most important role as a new father is to be her knight in shining armor. Never let a day go by without showing her how much she is cherished. Congratulations to you both. Your lives will never be the same, and I mean that in the best possible way.
What other tips do you have? It's almost go time!
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The Most Important Childrearing Tip a Dad Should Ever Know
Today's treat is a guest post from Scott Moore, who blogs at The Moore You Know. Scott has written here before, and, if I have any say in the matter, will write here again. If you haven't been down the delightful rabbit hole that is Scott's brain, you should follow him on Twitter, read his blog and stalk him in person.
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When Ricky told me that he and his wife were expecting, I couldn’t have been more excited for him. He is getting a progeny to mold, groom, and instruct in the ways of the Lord. But mostly because he is a blogger and kids provide never ending material. When you’re falling under the spell of blogging’s version of the Swamps of Sadness, they are like little luckdragons who show up and save the day*.
For example, we had an incident when my daughter Ada was about 16mo that involved me rolling around the floor in sheer agony and her peeing diaperless in the living room. I try to be the eternal optimist in all situations. For example I think Charlie Sheen is going to get everything worked out and we will get a hilarious 9th season of Two and a Half Men** but the only good thing about our situation was Ada peed on the hearth rather than the carpet. Plus, I guess I learned the most important tip a dad should ever know that I am sharing it with you today.
The back story:
The evening started out seemingly normal. My wife was gone for the night and it was just Ada and me. We had already eaten dinner, finished the bath, and were getting a little playtime in before bed. When it was time to take Ada upstairs, I was going give her a nice fresh diaper but for some reason at that age she’d rather sit around in the product of her excretory system rather than her diaper be changed. So naturally, she put up a fight.
I eventually got her to lie down, took the old diaper off, and went to grab a new one. The problem was it was sitting about two feet out of reach behind me. I stretched to grab it and with my head turned, Ada saw her chance to make a getaway. Whether it was intentional or not, I’ll never know but in her haste to run for it she dropkicked me right in the bathing suit area. Instant pain shot through me rendering me helpless. I haven’t taken a shot like that since the time I was 6yrs old and forgot the breaks on my new bike were on the handlebars rather than pedaling in reverse. I hit a storage shed going full speed.
After the wave of nausea went away, I was able to muster up enough energy to roll over to see what she was doing. She was standing on the fireplace with a guile grin on her face, naked as the day she born, and showing no remorse for the events that had just taken place. I knew I had to get a diaper on her as quickly as possible but I couldn’t pick myself up. I remember lying there and thinking, “Well, if anything does happen at least it won’t happen on the carpet.” Then, as if my thoughts had somehow telepathically triggered it, I saw the stream, the floodgates had opened. Ada didn’t even acknowledge it. She stood there motionless, feet shoulder width apart, staring at me rolling around on the floor. Probably laughing on the inside.
As the puddle grew larger and larger, I knew I had to act quickly. I was able to stagger over and pick her up before she started skipping rocks in the pond she had just created. This time she let me put the diaper on her with no issues. I think she may have felt bad for what she had done. I picked her up, snapped her onsie, and limped my way upstairs to put her to bed.
The tip:
I came back downstairs and fell onto the couch to let the pain subside and to gather my thoughts. I learned a life lesson the hard way that night so now you don’t have to. I put together a checklist that, if followed religiously, should keep from appearing on America’s Funniest Home Videos:
1. Always have a spare diaper on you – Tuck one in your back pocket, sport one as a necklace, or if you are hardcore like me, wear a shoulder holster. A holster with a diaper in it instead of a gun isn’t as threatening, but neither is talking in falsetto.
2. Plan for a change of clothes – If there is a change of clothes involved, lay them out on the floor just like your mom used to do for you in kindergarten right beside the spot the diaper change will be taking place. Just make sure you never have to reach for anything during a diaper change again.
3. Practice the teachings of Ross Geller – Unagi is a state of total awareness. Only by achieving true Unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you.
I caution you dads, heed my advice and heed it well. Unless you wear a jock strap 24/7, which probably isn’t a bad idea either. The simple steps listed above will save you from insufferable pain and allow you to maintain your ability to reproduce more children which really only generates more likelihood of getting leg dropped in the crotch. Such is the tradeoffs of fatherhood. But it’s worth it.
*If you got The Never Ending Story reference we should be friends.***
**Note: I’m a sarcastic optimist.
***Ricky, you should totally name your baby, Falkor.
When Ricky told me that he and his wife were expecting, I couldn’t have been more excited for him. He is getting a progeny to mold, groom, and instruct in the ways of the Lord. But mostly because he is a blogger and kids provide never ending material. When you’re falling under the spell of blogging’s version of the Swamps of Sadness, they are like little luckdragons who show up and save the day*.
For example, we had an incident when my daughter Ada was about 16mo that involved me rolling around the floor in sheer agony and her peeing diaperless in the living room. I try to be the eternal optimist in all situations. For example I think Charlie Sheen is going to get everything worked out and we will get a hilarious 9th season of Two and a Half Men** but the only good thing about our situation was Ada peed on the hearth rather than the carpet. Plus, I guess I learned the most important tip a dad should ever know that I am sharing it with you today.
The back story:
The evening started out seemingly normal. My wife was gone for the night and it was just Ada and me. We had already eaten dinner, finished the bath, and were getting a little playtime in before bed. When it was time to take Ada upstairs, I was going give her a nice fresh diaper but for some reason at that age she’d rather sit around in the product of her excretory system rather than her diaper be changed. So naturally, she put up a fight.
I eventually got her to lie down, took the old diaper off, and went to grab a new one. The problem was it was sitting about two feet out of reach behind me. I stretched to grab it and with my head turned, Ada saw her chance to make a getaway. Whether it was intentional or not, I’ll never know but in her haste to run for it she dropkicked me right in the bathing suit area. Instant pain shot through me rendering me helpless. I haven’t taken a shot like that since the time I was 6yrs old and forgot the breaks on my new bike were on the handlebars rather than pedaling in reverse. I hit a storage shed going full speed.
After the wave of nausea went away, I was able to muster up enough energy to roll over to see what she was doing. She was standing on the fireplace with a guile grin on her face, naked as the day she born, and showing no remorse for the events that had just taken place. I knew I had to get a diaper on her as quickly as possible but I couldn’t pick myself up. I remember lying there and thinking, “Well, if anything does happen at least it won’t happen on the carpet.” Then, as if my thoughts had somehow telepathically triggered it, I saw the stream, the floodgates had opened. Ada didn’t even acknowledge it. She stood there motionless, feet shoulder width apart, staring at me rolling around on the floor. Probably laughing on the inside.
As the puddle grew larger and larger, I knew I had to act quickly. I was able to stagger over and pick her up before she started skipping rocks in the pond she had just created. This time she let me put the diaper on her with no issues. I think she may have felt bad for what she had done. I picked her up, snapped her onsie, and limped my way upstairs to put her to bed.
The tip:
I came back downstairs and fell onto the couch to let the pain subside and to gather my thoughts. I learned a life lesson the hard way that night so now you don’t have to. I put together a checklist that, if followed religiously, should keep from appearing on America’s Funniest Home Videos:
1. Always have a spare diaper on you – Tuck one in your back pocket, sport one as a necklace, or if you are hardcore like me, wear a shoulder holster. A holster with a diaper in it instead of a gun isn’t as threatening, but neither is talking in falsetto.
2. Plan for a change of clothes – If there is a change of clothes involved, lay them out on the floor just like your mom used to do for you in kindergarten right beside the spot the diaper change will be taking place. Just make sure you never have to reach for anything during a diaper change again.
3. Practice the teachings of Ross Geller – Unagi is a state of total awareness. Only by achieving true Unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you.
I caution you dads, heed my advice and heed it well. Unless you wear a jock strap 24/7, which probably isn’t a bad idea either. The simple steps listed above will save you from insufferable pain and allow you to maintain your ability to reproduce more children which really only generates more likelihood of getting leg dropped in the crotch. Such is the tradeoffs of fatherhood. But it’s worth it.
*If you got The Never Ending Story reference we should be friends.***
**Note: I’m a sarcastic optimist.
***Ricky, you should totally name your baby, Falkor.
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A Survival Guide to Pregnancy - Guest Post by Knox McCoy
Today's set of new dad tips is from Knox McCoy. He's awesome. I mean, just look at that name. How can a guy with a name like that not be awesome? His folks set him up right. How am I ever going to top that?
We swapped guest posts today. I wrote about working the drive-thru at Taco Bell, an idea Mr. Fort Knox inspired with this post.
So head on over to Knox's site and check it out!
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A Survival Guide to Pregnancy
So you're going to be a dad. That's awesome. I'm so happy for you. What's the first thing you did when you found out? Think about playing catch with your son? Consider how to lawfully yet forcefully grab your daughter's future boyfriend by the throat and casually introduce him to your firearm? Those are good things, friend. Nay, those are GREAT things.
But they aren't useful to you now. What's useful is surviving. I'm not talking about surviving your child's infancy or the surly teenage years. I'm talking about surviving your wife's pregnancy.
Know this: after your wife becomes pregnant, you carry the same emotional relevancy of a crash test dummy. New hormones flood her system and crazily careen and coarse through her on the reg.
The first trip I went on with my wife to the baby doc led to the nurse practitioner telling me that if I had an ounce of the hormones in my stupid male body that my wife had in hers, that my body would explode. She also said that some countries have considered not charging pregnant women with assault crimes because of the hormone quotient. Are you listening? I made exactly NONE of that up.
But I totally get it! New life is being made in there. I expect it to be a little more dramatic than building a ginger bread house. So here's 4 tips to lasting through the pregnancy with your life intact.
1. Acquiesce, Acquiesce, Acquiesce
So dinner comes and she wants Indian Food and you want Pizza. Guess what, Bro Pesci? You want Indian Food. Nothing can be as vitriolic as food choice. Why? Because pregnant women have very polarizing taste buds and it changes quickly. So when she covets a particular cuisine. Then YOU covet that cuisine too.
2. Do Your Chores (And Hers)
Are you miffed because she didn't do the laundry or the dishes look like a Mt. Vesuvius of left overs and soiled kitchenware? Well guess what? She grew an elbow today. What are you doing? A crap ton of nothing probably compared to that.
3. Don't Complain. Ever.
Does your head hurt? Do you get migraines? That's cute. She's growing a human being inside her body and sometimes it stretches, kicks, and thunder punches her. Imagine having a leprechaun in your brain doing scissor kicks against your medulla. That's what it's like but IN UTERO. So maybe you do have a legit complaint, but stuff it. Unless you have a Siamese twin. Then I guess it's all even?
4. It's Not Personal.
Here's the thing: she goes through 9 months of discomfort and at the end of it, a human being comes out of her. That's her journey. In terms of painfulness, you have nothing to compare to that. But you will be lashed out at. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's God's way of balancing things out. But she's going to freak out on you sometimes for no reason at all. One minute you're talking about Richard Gere and the next minute she's in your face threatening you with bodily harm. It's not personal. She just needs to exert some frustration and by sharing a domicile with her, you will normally be the unfortunate target. Just let it roll and tread lightly.
Your wife's pregnancy is like a campfire. Tended to cautiously, it can be super enjoyable. But if ignored and wrecklessly managed, it will burn your face off. I'm not promising you anything, but if you follow these 4 tenets, you have a greater than 65% chance of seeing your child's birth. Godspeed.
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Beware of Fatherhood - Guest Post by Matt Cannon
Today's treat is from Matt Cannon, who blogs about living a life of faith through a lens of humor. Take it away, Matt!
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Beware of Fatherhood
By Matt Cannon (@seekingpastor)
Twinkies are delicious. I know that this is an opinion, but I believe it is an opinion with widespread agreement. Whether you live in a red state or a blue state or a state devoid of color (Vermont, maybe), if you have tasted a Twinkie then you probably agree. If you disagree then your judgment is either questionable or you are on medication that causes irrational thinking. If the latter is true, do not be alarmed—you may have a future in politics.
Twinkies are unhealthy. This is not an opinion; it is a fact. I’ve often wondered if contestants on The Biggest Loser intentionally try to put on extra weight before being shipped off to the ranch. And I’ve wondered if they use Twinkies to do it. And I’ve wondered what it would be like having someone like Jillian Michaels as a spouse. And I have curled into the fetal position and cried.
So, Twinkies are delicious and unhealthy. Do you know how to make them more of both? Deep fry them. Yes, people really do this. And yes, I have tried one and only one because I did not want to die. My description: wonderful and messy.
This is a pretty accurate description of fatherhood, too.
Strangely I was never warned about the messy part, about things in fatherhood that can cause problems. I was only told about the good things like how precious it is to hold a newborn in your arms or how sweet it is when they wrap their hand around your finger. Even though no one told me what to beware of, I feel compelled to help you out by sharing three things you should be on the lookout for as you enter fatherhood.
1. Beware of poo. No, not Winnie, the cute and cuddly lover of honey. He’s “the pooh,” not “the poo.” I’m talking about what I used to call poop before realizing that the main reason for Mike Rowe’s (host of Dirty Jobs) success is that he says poo instead of poop. Maybe one day I’ll be in commercials for blue jeans and pick-up trucks, too. Maybe not. Anyway, the point is that poo happens. And sometimes it gets under your fingernails.
2. Beware of weight gain. This one will sneak up on you because it takes at least a year and a half to happen. One day you are eating just your food and before you know it you’re eating your food and whatever food you child has left over. You do this because you do not want to be wasteful, but the money you would waste by throwing the excess food away is probably less than the money you will spend buying new, much larger clothes.
3. Beware of ceiling fans. Every father that has ever lived has gotten great pleasure from tossing his progeny into the air. Pleasure turns to pain if this is done under a ceiling fan. Mothers get very angry at this—trust me.
I have five kids and have learned these lessons the hard way, so I should be charging you for all of this. Instead, I am giving these tips away for free. Before I finish, here is one more piece of advice.
Beware of being obsessed with perfection.
For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God
Romans 3:23
Romans 3:23
New fathers are often obsessed with being perfect, with saying the just the right words and doing all of the right things. They want their child to experience the best that life has to offer and they have big dreams for their dear child’s future.
They sometimes forget that being a father does not equal being perfect.
Fathers fail.
Mothers fail.
Children fail.
No matter what you do, no matter how long you do it—you will fail.
But Jesus will never fail and will always be there to forgive, redeem, and strengthen us when we aren’t all that we hoped we could be.
Regardless of who you are or what role you have, please try not to be obsessed with perfection. Instead, be obsessed with Jesus.
He is perfect and is perfectly able to hold us up when we are not.
What other things should new father beware of? Have you ever had a deep-fried Twinkie? Share away!
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Expecting Tips
Today's set of new dad tips comes from Some Guy. You might remember his last guest post, Cleanliness Is Next To Impossible. Check out his blog!
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There are some husbands out there who have never been in a maternity ward. I'll give you some tips on what to expect, but not too many. That would take all the fun and wonder out of it. If your wife is going to have a C-section, then there's not as much fun and wonder involved. My wife has not had a C-section, so I can't give you any tips on that.
Anyway, here are my thoughts on being a ward of the maternity, umm, wing.
1. For men, the term for a delivery that isn't a C-section is "normal delivery". Women might use another term, but guys are incapable of using that term.
2. Make sure you know where all the nearby eating establishments are located before you need them. You will need them for yourself, and your wife might appreciate having real food after the delivery.
3. Remember that you are there for your wife and baby. You are not there to use up the bandwidth on the free wireless connection in the hospital. If you're getting evil glares from the nurses, you might want to stow the laptop for a while.
4. Your wife is not yelling at you; she's yelling with you. My wife opted for the epidural each time, so there was no yelling.
5. The epidural is your friend. And your wife's friend too. No, you do not get an epidural - what I meant is that your wife's epidural is your friend.
6. Take a picture of the clock when the doctor announces the time of birth. I know it's practically useless because the time is recorded elsewhere, but people like it.
7. The doctor does not spank the baby right after the birth anymore. And the doctor does not approve of your trying to spank the baby at that point either.
8. If the doctor says that you should cut the umbilical cord but you don't really want to because you're not good with medical/bloody/gunky stuff, you are allowed to decline. If the doctor persists, say that you feel faint and need to sit down. They'll bring you juice and leave you alone for a while.
9. Your main job after the baby is born is to count the fingers and toes. Of the baby. Do not neglect this duty.
10. It's fun to update your wife's Facebook status throughout the whole process. Be sure to write from her point of view, and people will be amazed that she had the fortitude to be typing on a laptop during contractions. And it's best to get her buy-in beforehand.
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There are some husbands out there who have never been in a maternity ward. I'll give you some tips on what to expect, but not too many. That would take all the fun and wonder out of it. If your wife is going to have a C-section, then there's not as much fun and wonder involved. My wife has not had a C-section, so I can't give you any tips on that.
Anyway, here are my thoughts on being a ward of the maternity, umm, wing.
1. For men, the term for a delivery that isn't a C-section is "normal delivery". Women might use another term, but guys are incapable of using that term.
2. Make sure you know where all the nearby eating establishments are located before you need them. You will need them for yourself, and your wife might appreciate having real food after the delivery.
3. Remember that you are there for your wife and baby. You are not there to use up the bandwidth on the free wireless connection in the hospital. If you're getting evil glares from the nurses, you might want to stow the laptop for a while.
4. Your wife is not yelling at you; she's yelling with you. My wife opted for the epidural each time, so there was no yelling.
5. The epidural is your friend. And your wife's friend too. No, you do not get an epidural - what I meant is that your wife's epidural is your friend.
6. Take a picture of the clock when the doctor announces the time of birth. I know it's practically useless because the time is recorded elsewhere, but people like it.
7. The doctor does not spank the baby right after the birth anymore. And the doctor does not approve of your trying to spank the baby at that point either.
8. If the doctor says that you should cut the umbilical cord but you don't really want to because you're not good with medical/bloody/gunky stuff, you are allowed to decline. If the doctor persists, say that you feel faint and need to sit down. They'll bring you juice and leave you alone for a while.
9. Your main job after the baby is born is to count the fingers and toes. Of the baby. Do not neglect this duty.
10. It's fun to update your wife's Facebook status throughout the whole process. Be sure to write from her point of view, and people will be amazed that she had the fortitude to be typing on a laptop during contractions. And it's best to get her buy-in beforehand.
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Ace Tips for New Dads
Big News: We're pregnant! After more than 2 years and multiple fertility treatments...nothing. Then in November the doctor told us it wasn't going to happen.
Then in December, God decided otherwise!
So to celebrate, I asked some buddies for tips on being a dad.
First up is Jared Clifton, who creatively named his blog after himself. He's cool like that.
Here's Jared...
Then in December, God decided otherwise!
So to celebrate, I asked some buddies for tips on being a dad.
First up is Jared Clifton, who creatively named his blog after himself. He's cool like that.
Here's Jared...
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I married a smokin' hot lady with 2 kids. They're 6 and 7 and she raised them right, so I didn't really have to do anything to mold them into the best kids anyone has ever met. But because I can't just say "Find a smokin' hot, single mom who raised her kids right"* and leave it at that, I've got to write about something. I've been around babies enough to know some stuff about what they need and I'm pretty sure I can give some solid advice for new dads of babies.
*Although that's probably my best advice.
Feed Them- If there is one things a baby can't do, it's feed itself. Their hand-eye coordination and motor skills are worse than a 5 minute old Shetland Pony. So, I guess just make sure stuff isn't too hot and it's all mushed up so they can gum it down. Probably start with milk, I think. But milk gets expensive, so some Mt. Dew should be fine, too.
Wash Them- Again, the poor hand-eye coordination and motor skills makes it hard for them to turn on a bath tub, so it's your responsibility as a responsible dad to make sure their clean. I think this would probably be easiest if you do it once or twice a week, out in the yard with some Dawn dish washing liquid and a hose. The hose should be pretty powerful, because even though they don't really do much, babies can get real dirty.
Talk to Them- Like, about the world and stuff. It's never too early to make them knowledgeable about the plight of third-world countries and how our government screws us over every chance they get. Then you can have a onesie that says "Conspiracy Theorist In Training"! If they don't have anything to say back, it's probably because they can't talk yet. But, if my research is correct, they should be able to carry on cohesive, intelligent conversation within about 3 months of birth.
Teach them Fiscal Responsibility- You must instill in your baby the value of a dollar earned. Your baby wants diapers? Make it pay for them. It wants a pacifier? Tell them to cut your lawn. Hugs? That's going to cost you too, infant. No free rides in this house!
Teach Them Stuff to Mold Them Into a Self-Sufficient Adult- If you have a boy, you can teach him how to change his own oil, fix the plumbing, repair the holes in the wall caused by playing baby hot-potato*, anything that will make him more manly and stubborn. If you have a girl, lock her in her room until she's 57 and tell her you're the only male that exists.
*If mommy would have actually tried to catch you instead of screaming "PUT THE BABY DOWN!" and crying, it wouldn't have happened.
Follow these few simple tips and you'll be well on your way to the coveted "#1 Dad" coffee mug.
What advice do you have?
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