How To Be a Sports Star

I think most kids grow up to work dead-end jobs simply because they didn't know how to get to their dream ones.

So this one's for the kids. Every kid has dreamed at one point in their lives of being a sports star.

Impressive skills, crazy salaries, millions of people praying you'll make a mistake and lose the big game. What's not to like?

Things You Can Do Now To Prepare For Your Future As A Sports Star

• Stretch. You don't want to pull a hamstring this early in the game. You've got a long way to go, so you'd better warm up nice and easy.
• Pick a sport. You should watch all kinds of sports on TV and go in person to any game you can. You have to figure out which sports you like (baseball), and which ones make you contemplate faking a heart attack just to get away (soccer).
• Learn from the best. This will involve stalking your favorite stars. The younger you start, the easier it is to get away with this.
• Practice signing your autograph. This is very important. Remember that one day, a youngster like yourself will get your autograph as a Christmas present from his rich absentee father in a desperate bid to buy his son's love. Don't spoil it.
• Take a drama class. Whether it's arguing with an official or faking an injury to get a call against the other team, sports stars need some extra drama in their lives.

What tips do you have for the kids?

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How To Be a Firefighter

I think most kids grow up to work dead-end jobs simply because they didn't know how to get to their dream ones.

So this one's for my nephew, Joel. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, and when he quit hiding in the kitchen, he responded with 'fireman!'

Saving lives, operating heavy machinery, waking up to the world's loudest alarm clock. What's not to like?

Things You Can Do Now To Prepare For Your Future As a Firefighter

• Work out. You've got to be in great physical shape to save lives. You may have to carry an unconscious fat man down six flights of stairs one day, so start your exercise regimen now. Remember: That calendar isn't going to make itself.
• Play with fire. This is forbidden for most kids, but you? You're training. You will eventually put out far more fires than you create in practice. A word of caution - you should have an adult around for added safety / blame shifting. Your dad likes fire, Joel, so ask him. If your mom makes him say no, ask me or Aunt Jana. We're both pyros.
• Practice getting dressed quickly. Emergencies are not time to worry about color coordination. Slap it on and go! You may not have your firefighter's gear yet, but I have an old baseball catcher's getup you can practice with. It's practically the same thing, except not.
• Be calm. I've never seen a frazzled firefighter. You can't be jumpy in this profession. You're only three, but I already don't think this is a problem for you.
• Play poker. While your folks don't condone gambling, you are going to have a ton of downtime. You'll spend days and days on call, just waiting for things to burn. This means TV, card games and firehouse chores. You can come practice the chores part at my house. I hear you're good at washing cars.

What tips do you have for Joel?

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How To Be the President of the United States - Guest Post for Jessica Buttram

In my ongoing efforts to prepare the next generation for jobs of awesomeness, today I'm guest posting for Jessica Buttram.

Jessica is a much better writer than me, but apparently isn't a good judge of character. She asked me to write something for her, and I promptly put it off until yesterday morning at 4:15 AM.

So, head on over to Jessica's site to see what I threw up together for her.
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How To Be a Celebrity Chef

I think most kids grow up to work dead-end jobs simply because they didn't know how to get to their dream ones.

So this one's for the kids. Every kid has dreamed at one point in their lives of being a celebrity chef.

Creating delectable delights, starring in your own cable TV show, always being expected to cook Thanksgiving dinner. What's not to like?

Things You Can Do Now To Prepare For Your Future As A Celebrity Chef

• Mix it up. Start getting creative with your ingredients now. When you help Mom prepare dinner tonight, don't just follow that boring recipe - mix it up! Recipe calls for light seasoning on the meat? Try butter! Cake calls for a touch of frosting? Try butter! Homemade salsa is good, but lacks a little something? Try butter!
• Try butter. Seriously, butter makes everything better. Run out of creamer for that specialty coffee? Toss in a stick of butter!
• Work on your presentation. You can make the best burger in the world, but if your presentation is sloppy, nobody will want it....unless you garnish the plate with sticks of butter!
• Perfect your pizza. This is a necessity...if I'm coming over for dinner.
• Only make awesome food. You're a celebrity chef. You don't have to make grits or fried okra. You can afford to say no to foods you don't like. So don't eat your greens, but do eat your desert before your meal.

What tips do you have for the kids?

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How To Be a Blogger

I think most kids grow up to work dead-end jobs simply because they didn't know how to get to their dream ones.

So this one's for the kids. Every kid has dreamed at one point in their lives of being a blogger.

Working for free, building community with strangers, meeting fictitious deadlines. What's not to like?

Things You Can Do Now To Prepare For Your Future As A Blogger

• Take notes. You'll need ideas for your last-minute post (this one!). It helps if you have a list of ideas handy.
• Be ridiculous. The more outlandish you can make any situation you find yourself in, the better your blog posts will be later.
• Learn web design. Then your blog won't look generic and boring. Like mine.
• Read Bryan Allain's new book, 31 Days to Finding Your Blogging Mojo. It's full of funny and very useful advice for growing your blog. My favorite are the hidden ninja parts. Bryan is the blogging world's Gandalf. Trust him.

What tips do you have for the kids?

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How To Be A Doctor

I think most kids grow up to work dead-end jobs simply because they didn't know how to get to their dream ones.

So this one's for the kids. Every kid has dreamed at one point in their lives of being a doctor.

Saving lives, a high salary, malpractice suits. What's not to like?

Things You Can Do Now To Prepare For Your Future As A Doctor

• Apply for med school. Since this process can take so long, it's never too early to apply. Remember that you won't start your career until ten years after all your friends. Get a head start!
• Watch Doogie Houser. He's just a kid, and yet he's a doctor. If he can do it, you can too!
• Rummage through Mom and Dad's medicine cabinet. Read all the labels and learn what each one does. Don't take any of the medicine; that would be dangerous. Give it to the cat instead to see what happens.
• Surf Web MD. Look at all the weird things people can come down with. If any of it freaks you out, you're probably better off as an IT guy. If it intrigues and excites you, you've found the right profession.
• Weirdo.
• Keep people waiting. When Mom and Dad call you downstairs for dinner, wait at least thirty minutes. When you finally come, act preoccupied and furrow your brow as you stare off into space and ignore the family dinnertime chat.
• Give ambiguous answers. When people ask you questions, don't tie yourself down to definitive answers. You'll need this later when diagnosing your patients.
• "You may have carpal tunnel, Mrs. Johnson. Or malaria. Or rapid hair loss triggered by onset coronary failure. We'll need to run some more expensive tests."
• "Oh, no! Is it fatal?"
• "Only if you die."

What tips do you have for the kids?

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How To Be a Spy

I think most kids grow up to work dead-end jobs simply because they didn't know how to get to their dream ones.

So this one's for the kids. Every kid has dreamed at one point in their lives of being a spy.

Intrigue, suavity, poison in your scotch. What's not to like?

Things You Can Do Now To Prepare For Your Future As A Spy

• Listen. You learn more by listening than by talking. Plus, talking too much to the wrong folks can get you killed.
• Tiptoe. Spies can't be going around making all kinds of noise and attracting attention. It's a health hazard.
• Target practice. You're probably going to need to be good with weapons. It's what I heard.
• Be resourceful. Your handler's not going to just hand you a packet of cyanide or a plain old digital camera and tell you to get going. It'll be disguised as hair gel or an odd hat. Learn to think outside the box.
• Watching MacGyver should help a bit.
• MacGyver's real name is Richard Anderson. My real name is Richard Anderson. Coincidence? I think not.
• Gain the confidence of others. Be reliable. Do your chores when you're asked. Be respectful. Your folks will think you're a wonderful child. They'll never suspect you're selling their secrets to the Russians.

What tips do you have for the kids?

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How To Be a Supermodel

I think most kids grow up to work dead-end jobs simply because they didn't know how to get to their dream ones.

So this one's for the little girls. Every little girl has dreamed at one point in their lives of being a supermodel.

Fame, fortune, stalkers. What's not to like?

Things You Can Do Now To Prepare For Your Future As A Supermodel

• Be tall. Supermodels need to be able to look down on everyone else. Before you go to sleep at night, concentrate for thirty minutes on making your bones grow. Stretch with your mind. You can do it!
• Go to the gym. You need to be in great shape to be a supermodel. But remember - we're going for tone here, not muscle. If you think your neck is disappearing, put down the dumbbells.
• Actually you're going to put down everyone, but we'll get to that.
• Smirk, don't smile. You're not going to be happy being a supermodel. You're going to be annoyed. Remember that you're above it all, and you're just doing it for the money. If you smirk well, the people looking at your smirk will feel compelled to hand you their cash.
• Eat well. And by eat well, I mean don't eat stuff that's bad for you, like food. Food makes you fat. Except celery.
• This should be your motto: No food except celery so I can accept a salary.
• You're welcome.
• Rely on your looks. You don't need to pay attention in school. You can have the nerds do your homework for you. You should start expecting everything in life to be handed to you on a silver platter.
• This will come in handy during the Miss America pageant you're going to win. Nobody wants a smart supermodel.
• Gold platters are gaudy.

What tips do you have for the kids?

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How To Be a Movie Star

I think most kids grow up to work dead-end jobs simply because they didn't know how to get to their dream ones.

So this one's for the kids. Every kid has dreamed at one point in their lives of being a movie star.

Beach houses, private jets, rehab. What's not to like?

Things You Can Do Now To Prepare For Your Future As A Movie Star

• Be the center of attention. All the world's a stage - start practicing! Get in front of every camera you can. The tourists will forgive you.
• Meet a lot of people. In show biz, it's not what you know - it's who you know. So you'd better start getting friendly with everyone!
• Practice your scenes. Regularly repeat your conversations with friends and family. Come back into the room and say, "Take 2!" Ask them to help you memorize your lines and hit your marks.
• Get a stunt double. That physical stuff looks way to dangerous! You'll have to have your hired gun do it.
• Dodge the paparazzi. Practice by getting away from people you know. Coworkers, friends, family - pretend they're out to get you. If you really want to hone your skills in this game, try to outrun the ice cream truck the next time it's jingling down your street.
• You should probably do this anyway. Ice cream trucks are creepy.
• It's like some weirdo is fishing for children.
• Get an agent. You can't handle this alone, and thanks to your new mega-paycheck, you won't have to!

What tips do you have for the kids?

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How To Be A Ninja

I think most kids grow up to work dead-end jobs simply because they didn't know how to get to their dream ones.

So this one's for the kids. Every kid has dreamed at one point in their lives of being a ninja.

Fearsome weapons, precision agility, superior debating skills. What's not to like?

Things You Can Do Now To Prepare For Your Future As A Ninja

• Practice stealth. Quiet cunning is what sets ninjas apart from other dangerous men in bathrobes.
• One of my younger brothers was great at this. We'd find him in odd places, sitting quietly. Usually tall places, like on top of bookshelves. He was a climber.
• He also had a knack for disappearing after dinner, but before dishes.
• He still doesn't do dishes.
• Take ballet lessons. This will help you be light on your feet and get used to spinning for all those roundhouse kicks. It will also help you start your list of people you're going to visit once you're a bona fide ninja. They won't be making fun of you then!
• Learn martial arts. I'm not sure which ones, but I hear martial arts are part of this complete ninja.
• Scream at folks unexpectedly. Practice on your parents. Wait until your dad comes home from work. When he leans over to set down his briefcase, jump out from behind the door and yell "Aaiii!" If this doesn't work, try "hiii-ya!"

What tips do you have for the kids?

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How To Be An Astronaut

I think most kids grow up to work dead-end jobs simply because they didn't know how to get to their dream ones.

So this one's for the kids. Every kid has dreamed at one point in their lives of being an astronaut.

Floating in space, seeing the stars, avoiding traffic. What's not to like?

Things You Can Do Now To Prepare For Your Future As An Astronaut

• Drive fast. This will help you prepare for takeoff.
• Wave at your mom. You know you won't be able to help yourself when you're looking down at Earth.
• Eat freeze dried food. This will prepare your tastebuds for the nightmare that is space food.
• Pee in a garden hose. Thankfully this won't happen too much in space since all the food is dry.
• Practice backflips. You've gotta get used to being upside down.
• Use walkie-talkies. Practice radio chatter with your buddies. Use the words 'Roger' and 'starboard' frequently.
• Move slowly. I'm not sure what's so dangerous up there, but I can guarantee it's deadly to move fast. Every clip I've ever seen on TV of an astronaut makes it look like they're moving in slow-motion.

What tips do you have for the kids?

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