My Favorite Me

Like you, I have an ideal image of who I'd like to be, all saved up in my head (up top, in the back, above the left ear).

This man is taller. He's smarter, funnier, successful. He runs his own business. He's a family man. He's probably named Jack.

He's a people person. He puts others at ease. He's interesting, but doesn't have to monopolize the conversation.

He's helpful. He'll lend a hand or offer sage advice at the merest sign of need.

I'm not him.

But I'd like to be.

I've been stretched pretty thin lately. I've not been my normal self. I complain more. I sleep less.

I need to focus on getting back to basics.

So I'm going to take some time off for a while and go work on improving the things I can, and fibbing about the things I can't.

See you in a while...


How To Be a Sports Star

I think most kids grow up to work dead-end jobs simply because they didn't know how to get to their dream ones.

So this one's for the kids. Every kid has dreamed at one point in their lives of being a sports star.

Impressive skills, crazy salaries, millions of people praying you'll make a mistake and lose the big game. What's not to like?

Things You Can Do Now To Prepare For Your Future As A Sports Star
  • Stretch. You don't want to pull a hamstring this early in the game. You've got a long way to go, so you'd better warm up nice and easy.
  • Pick a sport. You should watch all kinds of sports on TV and go in person to any game you can. You have to figure out which sports you like (baseball), and which ones make you contemplate faking a heart attack just to get away (soccer).
  • Learn from the best. This will involve stalking your favorite stars. The younger you start, the easier it is to get away with this.
  • Practice signing your autograph. This is very important. Remember that one day, a youngster like yourself will get your autograph as a Christmas present from his rich absentee father in a desperate bid to buy his son's love. Don't spoil it.
  • Take a drama class. Whether it's arguing with an official or faking an injury to get a call against the other team, sports stars need some extra drama in their lives.
What tips do you have for the kids?

How Do We Get Back? - Guest Post for Heather Summers

Today I have the privilege of guest posting for Heather Summers.

Heather is funny and has an amazingly kind heart.

Head on over and read my guest post, and then stick around to see some of Heather's stuff.


I Don't Want To Go On the Cart - One Last Post by EduClaytion

Today is a sad day.

Today EduClaytion becomes the Old Yeller of blogs.

EduClaytion is was written by Clay Morgan.

Clay is putting the old blog to rest, but don't worry - here's one last hurrah.

After reading his last guest post ever, head on over to EduClaytion to see the tribute video Clay didn't ask me to be a part of.

EduClaytion is dead. Long live EduClaytion!

My host Ricky here says that nothing good ever came out of the 80s except his wife. While that's a really sweet husband sentiment so close to Mother's Day, it's like totally wrong to the max. I'm not saying that your good wife didn't come from the 80s Ricky, but she's got other rad company.

Let's begin.

Ricky back peddled after I started assaulting him with awesome movies, toys, and cartoons from the decade of my childhood. Then he said music, just stick to music. Okay. FINE.  

You've GOT to be kidding me. NO good music? Sure, the early years are lean for me too, but after 1984 we are good to go. I supposed U2 didn't really have anything going with a little album called The Joshua Tree. It only topped the charts in 20 countries and sold 25 million copies.

And how about this guy we used to have, oh what's his name? Now I remember—it's Michael Freaking Jackson. He had a couple decent songs and could even dance a little. Ever heard of Thriller? Not only is it widely regarded as the greatest music video in history, MJ even incorporated zombies into the act! It's gnarly and radical all rolled into one. It's Gnardical. I just invented a new word for the 1980s for when I fix the flux capacitor in my time machine. That's a Back To The Future reference but you probably don't know that either cuz it's like only the 7th greatest movie of all time.

And the ladies BROUGHT it in the 80s. How about The Bangles? Like there was any resisting Susanna Hoffs. Walk Like An Egyptian is STILL super fun. Manic Monday still makes sense of our workweek and Eternal Flame might be the hardest I ever crushed on a front woman as a kid.

Oh wait, that's a lie because I had an even bigger music crush before 1990. Her name was Paula Abdul. Straight Up. She's Forever My Girl, Ricky. Forever. She said so.

TV theme songs. They count. Just go ahead and consult my friends at TV Asylum for more, but I will point out Jan Hammer's Miami Vice Theme. And movies? Child please. Weird Science, Top Gun, Footloose, and Ghostbusters are all iconic.

Man, we even had punky delights like Joan Jett, Cyndi Lauper and Billy Idol. I'm not even going to try to explain the real punk of that era since you wouldn't understand.

All this time and I haven't even mentioned Hair Metal yet. Yeah, I go there. I came in at the tail end of Gen X and lived through the genesis of Grunge that changed culture. But first we had hair bands.

The 80s was the decade of long hair. I think. My school had a strict dress code, so I was never allowed to grow the hair I wanted which would have probably been feathery and made me think I looked like Mark Slaughter. If you don't know who that is then how about Poison, Guns 'n' Roses, Motley Crue, Skid Row, Queensryche, Bon Jovi… I'm just going to get worn out here. And I think Def Leppard had the biggest rock album in the decade with Hysteria. And their drummer was MISSING AN ARM. Now I'm getting misty-eyed thinking about Steve Clarke (upon whom be peace), but I doubt you even know who that is, Ricky. Just know that Love Bites. And one more for ya? Stryper. Boom.

ALL this and I haven't even mentioned Metallica and friends. Seriously, the 80s had something for everyone.

  • Let's not forget the emergence of Weird Al Yankovic!
  • We Didn't Start the Fire Ricky. It was ALWAYS burning since the world's been turning. Billy also rocked Uptown Girl and some other honkytonk beats.
  • Man, we've even got pre-Bobby Brown Whitney. Have you even seen the video to Dance With Somebody? Major crush for me on that one too.
  • Every decade has its one hit wonders. Here's an 80s sampler.
    • Survivor—Eye of the Tiger
    • The Escape Club—Wild, Wild West
    • Bobby McFerrin—Don't Worry, Be Happy
    • Kim Wilde—You Keep Me Hangin' On
    • Falco—Rock Me Amadeus
    • A-Ha—Take on me

You may be thinking I've left out so much, people like Bruce Springsteen, David Bowie, Huey Lewis & the News, The Police or Sting, and Rick Astley. Well, I don't like any of those people, so I may just have waited until the end to lose some of you.

No worries, you can still jump in if you think any of those people are any good and tell Ricky that he's crazy because the 80s brought the noise. And it was good.

What am I forgetting?

Help me tell Ricky why else 80s music has its share of awesome.

What Would You Do?

My wife and I were at one of those hippie organic foods stores the other day, picking up hippie organic food. I believe it may have been called 'fresh produce' or some other hippie name.

Anyway, I digress. While I was holding the basket and staring at walls in boredom, I saw a man walk up to a display of the fancy cheese blocks ('hippie cheese') and put one in his coat pocket.

He was out of the produce section in a flash.

Now I had a dilemma:

  • I could tell one of the employees and risk a very awkward scene.
    • What if he changed his mind and had ditched the cheese in another aisle?
  • I could say nothing and let it go. Literally.
    • What if he needed hippie cheese to survive on in the wilderness and monkeys had stolen all his money?

What would you do?

IT Scapegoat Formula

Our Internet connection was down for exactly ten minutes the other morning.

At first, I thought it was no big deal. Comcast had it fixed pretty quickly, and the users could still access the database and internal network in the meantime.

However, we missed a milestone by about 4 hours. Management wanted to know why.

Suddenly, those ten minutes magically turned into the most important ten minutes of the day.

It seems that a disruption of x amount of time = x² loss of productivity.

For instance, when a user stands outside my office talking obnoxiously loud for ten minutes, it doesn’t impact his productivity. But take the Internet down…

Weird. I blame sunspots and global warming.

Let me call Comcast and see if they can fix it.

What fun blame games do you play at your office?

Subconscious Guest Post for the People, by the People, But Actually by Me

I've had three hours' sleep. You know what that means...

A guest post by my subconscious! Please note I cannot be held responsible for its content.

A user asked me to give her access to her boss' email in the boss' absence. She assured me that even though the boss had not notified me, it was ok. That's adorable.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was a silly movie.

We signed Evan up for swim lessons. This is vital since I plan on dunking him when he's older.

I played the neighbor kid in a game of horse last night. I lost, 5-0. It was an 8 foot rim. I missed a slam dunk. The kid's 8 years old. And I didn't even let him win.

You know you're busy when you turn down free baseball tickets so that you can vacuum and mop instead.

What gives?