Breakfast Foods: The Movie - Guest Post by Tyler Tarver

Today is the day we've (me) all been waiting for. 6 months ago, Tyler Tarver agreed to write a guest post for me.

Then he went and got himself on a magazine cover, accepted into a film festival, and wrote a book. I figured I'd never get The Tarve over here now.

Then I checked my spam filter.

Take it away, Tyler!

When I asked oh-Ricky-you-so-fine-you-blow-my-mind-hey-Ricky what he wanted me to write about, his first instinct was Why unicorns hate pancakes.

Obviously I couldn’t, because Unicorns love pancakes. They like cylindrical breakfast foods and the syrup gives their uni-horn that glittery sheen like a vampire’s belly.  C’mon Rick, everyone know dat on da streets.

So, I thought I’d give him the cast to the next movie in the works by the Cohen Brothers. A little bit of inside info from a guy who used to date the Cohen Daughters*. 

*Statement based in false.

Breakfast Foods: The Movie: The Cast: For Realz

Bacon: While Kevin B. seemed the obvious candidate (cause of his hair), the role went to John Hamm. Not only does he delight the ladies, but even guys gotta talk about how pleasing he is on the eyes. If that doesn’t describe bacon, then it isn’t. Catchphrase: “Looks like you’re the one that’s goin crispy” pshew pshew.

Eggs: Who’s the only person that can like up with John A. Bacon and take on the evil villain Pancaker? Ryan Reynolds? Too handsome. Will Smith? Too Big Willie. The Rock? Too goatee-ie. Throw away that 87 gasoline, we’re goin with the Diesel, Vin Diesel. He’s got more protein than a GNC on performance enhancers. Weapon of Choice: The High Cholesterol Handgrenade.

Milk: Y’all remember that movie Milk Money where you got to pretend you were gonna get a hot woman to come to your show and tell but instead you brought that clip of your hair from when you were two? Just me? Longest sentence ever? You’re leaving me? Who’s gonna play hot milk chick? No, not Diaz, she’s like 50. We’re going with Rachel McAdams. You always go with McAdams. You hear me Gosling? Attire: All black leather bodysuit with Dharma logo.

Pancakes: Who is going to play the most evil villain ever created? One who can make you feel so good about yourself, think you’re cool, you’re friends….and then BAM, you’re feeling like you just ate a normal meal for Buddy from Elf. Who can shake your hand while stealing your wallet/girlfriend/low-calorie-diet? Justin Bieber of course. He seems nice and sweet, but then you look up and he’s the President…or just really rich or something. Famous Villain Last Line Before Blowing Something Up: You’re standing on a land mine, IHOP over it.

It’ll be the top grossing Romantic Comedy of All-Time.

Thanks Ricky, let’s name a pet together.

What did Tyler miss about breakfast burritos?
Tyler Tarver is younger than you but older than your mom. You can check out his creatively named website, subscribe to it here, follow him real good on Twitter at his code name @tylertarver, or just buy his brand new toilet book he won’t shutup about titled Words&Sentences that 4 people have said is “funnier than sliced bread.” He’s not as attractive as you, but he sure does love you.