My Modern Lemonade Stand

"If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all."

"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."

I have bad luck.

I'm not talking about the major things in life. I'm blessed with a loving family, a great job and a roof over my head.

I'm talking about the little things:

• If I make a bet with you, I will lose.
• If I wash the car, it will rain (18 times in a row; ask my wife!).
• I've gone gambling once and played the lottery once; I lost both times.
• Whichever sports team I'm rooting for will lose.
• Whichever stock I buy will go down.

This seems like an Eeyore mentality, but I have some entrepreneur blood in me. So I've decided to make lemonade.

This is my new business model:

For $50, I will cheer for your football team's opponent. The price goes up during the playoffs, and doubles for the Super Bowl (triple if you need me to watch the halftime show for some reason).

For $100 plus expenses, I will buy the stock you're short selling.

Jockeying for a big promotion at work? I'll write recommendation letters for your competition. Just $25 / letter.

Of course, with my luck, my luck will turn around right after I get my first client.

I can't win.


What would you pay me to mess up for you?
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Blither Blather Ducky Duck

If you pray for patience, God will make you take notes during a committee document review meeting.

Here are those notes...

Back-to-back meetings? Grumble, grumble...wait a minute - you brought pastries AND breakfast burritos?!? Talk to me, Boss, talk to me. You have earned my affection, er, attention.

Wow. That was a lot of meaningless words. I wonder if they'll notice if I substitute the Boss' for my own.

What I think was said: High-level mumbo-jumbo nomenclature file plan sponsor quarterly fish fry blither blather ducky duck.

What I'm going to write in the meeting minutes: Documented non-feasible customer supply chain obfuscation and compliance.

We are now in Hour Three of this Thirty Minute Meeting That Won't Take Long At All, Ricky Get Back In Here. It is currently being discussed that we have gotten off track and have not discussed what we should have been discussing at all. Don't you think all afternoon meetings should include Doritos?

so the meeting has been rescheduled for tomorrow.

Hope there's burritos!


Do you die a slow death in meetings?
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Potty Training and Vladimir Putin

Whenever I'm injured, no matter how slightly, I subconsciously limp a bit. Whether I stub my toe, have a headache or a sore throat, I find myself limping ever so slightly. That Oscar has my name on it, right?

We're 0-2 on potty training attempts (for Evan, not for us). He hates it with a fiery passion. Navy Seals have Hell Week. Toddlers have Potty Training. And if you're one of those superstar parents whose kiddo got it down in 15 minutes, I'll just sit here and assume you outsourced the potty training.

Oooh! Here's an idea: An advice column by Vladimir Putin about estate and probate matters. It would be called "Putin On Heirs".

I can't Gantt.
   (My sincerest apologies if you got that one.)


Are you potty trained?
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NEENJA Burrito Clocks

I am so tired I can't think straight.

But I'm also jittery because of all the coffee.

This has led me to wander around the office and tell my coworkers I'm a "NEENJA!"

NEENJAs are probably a bit more covert than I am.

One of my coworkers just handed me a breakfast burrito. I am declaring him an honorary NEENJA.

I don't like grandfather clocks.


Are you a NEENJA?
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Team Coverage of the Zip Line Straitjackets

How many of us aren't sick of the local news? It's 3 minutes of Gloom 'n Doom, followed by a 2 minute medical report telling you to avoid bananas because they cause cancer but to eat lots because they aid in weight loss, and capped off with 17 minutes of Live Team Coverage of the Fact It's a Tad Bit Windy Outside.

Sometimes I go back through old messages on my phone to clean out junk I don't need. I'm looking at a message right now from an old friend. It says, "Right on buddy, stay in touch." It's from January 18th. I never replied.

I have never heard the song Christmas Shoes, but I have heard everyone complain about it. It still can’t be worse than The Little Drummer Boy. The reindeer should have run over the Little Drummer Boy, not Grandma. Per rumpa pum THUMP.

When the Boss asked for ideas for 2014, apparently she wasn't looking for awesome ideas like “Install zip line from roof to parking garage.”

Sometimes when I’m dancing I forget the work elevator has cameras.

Curse Allen and his wrenches. Long live King Philip!

Straitjackets get a bad rap. A little re-branding and they’d sell like hot cakes to parents of toddlers. I mean, it worked for the leash, right?




What's your best idea for 2014?.

Superphone Tasty Cologne

When I first found my son standing in our shower, sucking on the cap to my cologne bottle, banging the bottle on the shower door, I was annoyed. Then it occurred to me - what else are you going to do when you're two and Mom and Dad won't turn on the TV for you or let you use the iPad?

I used to call the gym "the Hurting Place". I don't do that anymore since I stopped going when we bought an elliptical machine. Now I walk up to it and say, "Hello, Newman."

Buying the new iPhone will give me superpowers, yes? I seem to remember that's how it works.

We got our refrigerator 9.5 years ago. It has a water dispenser in the door. I have never changed the water filter for this dispenser. I prefer the water from the refrigerator dispenser over our tap water. Either this means the filter is still good, or I prefer water filtered with yuck. Let's go with option 1.


What have you been lax about lately?
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The History of Words

A long time ago, people used them too. They still do.


The End


Give me a brief history of something.
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Versatile Coworker Pretzels and Airplanes

The packaging on my pretzels says they are "more versatile than ever before". So far, they have failed as paper airplanes, shoes and coyote bait. I'm calling shenanigans on this one.

Revel in the majesticalityness.

My desk at work is so clean that my coworkers have started asking if I'm planning on sticking around. I have no 4-foot stacks of papers, so my desk doesn't look like theirs. I work in a records management department...

I spent an afternoon the other day teaching my son to burp and then yell "BURRRP!", so my wife should be having an awesome day today while I'm at work. It's the little things, right?


What awesome things have you taught someone impressionable?
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News and Updates

Fighting broke out today in the Gaza Strip

- Adobe Acrobat is ready to install an update -

Stay tuned to find out what a Kardashian wore to some awards ceremony

- Adobe Flash Player is ready to install an update -

Team coverage of your 5 day forecast begins now

- Adobe Updater is ready to install an update -

Crime is up in populated areas; stay tuned to find if your neighborhood will be burned to the ground next

- Java has downloaded an update and is begging for you to install it -

Your officials are corrupt and there's nothing you can do about it; investigative report at 10:00

- Seriously, Java would really like you to install the latest version; the one it installed 12 minutes ago is obsolete -

Natural disasters! Are they natural? Our experts say yes, also no.

Everything's new and updated, but not much really changes, does it?

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Things I've Given Evan That His Momma May or May Not Know About

• Salsa
• This one was a winner.
• He likes it everywhere. Doesn't matter how spicy. He'll make a face and dig back in. He holds his chip proudly and says "DIPIT!"
• Coffee
• This was a REAL winner. I only gave him a couple sips, but that kid will keep Starbucks in business for years to come.
• No real reaction to this. Figured I'd be chasing him around like crazy.
• Beer
• Just kidding. But I did rinse a bottle once and let him pretend it was a boat during bath time.
• No, YOU'RE a bad parent.
• Grapefruit Juice
• This was NOT a winner, but he was very polite about it. He scrunched up his face and shook his head, but didn't spit it out.
• He immediately handed his cup to me and said, "For daddy?"

What have you done that someone else would disapprove of so you didn't tell them but you can tell me because we'll both think it's funny and the Internet's a secret anyway?

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Instant Chocolate Toddler Trailers

• I opened up a Carnation Instant Breakfast packet this morning. I noticed on the back it had a recipe for a chocolate banana smoothie.
• If I had time to make a smoothie, I wouldn't be having an instant breakfast.
• The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting releases today. If you're still here reading this and not on Amazon downloading that, we might not have much in common.
• Holy McFoot this book is funny! Interview with the author coming soon.
• The Ender's Game trailer releases today. So I guess I'll have to sit at my computer hitting Refresh every 12 seconds until it's uploaded.
• I don't understand why I have to wait until November for the movie, but I guess it's not that big a deal since I've been waiting 20 years already.

What are you excited about?
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Canada, We Have to Talk

I went to the grocery store last night to get salsa for the taco salads we were having for dinner. We were out of salsa because Jana didn't hide it and went to work, leaving me and the salsa all alone together. Poor planning on her part, right? The populace of the grocery store was mostly guys on the phone with their wives telling them they couldn't find anything, which I mentioned to Jana when I called her to tell her they were out of the kind she likes best.

I don't understand people that live in cold locations. One time in Kansas, my eyebrows froze. Think about that. That means it's too darn cold. Another time in Nebraska, it was -14 F. That means Nebraska was in debt to the sun. So my new personal weather rule is that if the snow in my area ever covers my shoes, I'm moving. You guys realize you don't have to live in cold places, right? I'm looking at you, Canada.

Evan had a rough night, so after I got him settled again, I decided to turn it into an opportunity and go to work early. Got here at 5:15. That's when I realized I had forgotten the key to our department's door. I asked security to let me in. The head guard said, "I can do that for you Sir, but you need to know that I'll have to write your name down on the list." Really? The list that provides documentation I came in before anyone else? Oh, NO!

What's the coldest you've ever been?

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High Five for the Domesticated Bacon!

I think most men wouldn't mind being domesticated if they could choose their own level of domestication. Put the toilet seat down? No problem!

Yesterday I found myself in a serious discussion about duvet covers.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FORGET TO DRAW THE LINE!

I wish all folks were as easy to please as my son. When my boss got upset at something, I'd just say "High five!", and move on.

One of the biggest perks of adulthood is the ability to control your own bacon intake.

If you're sick a friend of mine, I'll be happy to help in any way...from far away, like if you need me to Google something for you.

I almost got hit in the crosswalk this morning by an SUV. I was in the right, so I threw my hands up and stood my ground as the maniac drove around me (my light was green, he was running a red light). It was only two minutes later when I had calmed down that I realized how stupid I was. You can be dead and still be right. I should have boogied out of the way...but I'm an idiot.

I have two cartoon desk calendars. Everyone loves it when I tear them off and hand them out. So I think that's good job security, yes?


How many light bulbs are out in your house right now?
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The Listening Lottery

My coworkers play the lottery. I don't. This leads to lively discussions about money, math and being super rich. When I came in today, one of my co-workers said, "Well, I'm here so we obviously didn't win, but you know if we did we'd still split it with you, right?" Now THIS is the way to play the lottery!

I started my new job on 12/31/12. I got a letter this week thanking me for my perfect safety record in 2012. I felt it was well-earned. I'm going to list it on my accomplishments when review time comes around.

In business school, we learned the best way to launch a fast-growing and profitable business was to identify a need and fill it before someone else does. I've noticed that these days, everyone's talking and nobody's listening. However, I'm often told I'm a great listener, so...feel free to talk to me. Right there on your laptop. Just speak straight at my blog's homepage, and I'll listen. Then just send me a check for a nominal fee. Tell your friends!


Tell me whatever you want - I'm listening!
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Rental Cows and Depressed Cigarettes

We are so frequently out of milk that I just need to buy my own cow. Or rent one. Or however that works for city folk.

When I was in IT, I always assumed the users sat around not doing their work while they brainstormed ways they could get IT to do it for them. Now that I'm no longer in IT, I can confirm that suspicion.

In order to be a proper cubicle worker, one must eat early. And often.

Except the crust, the part of the pizza that has no sauce or cheese is there to make you sad. If you receive a pizza like this in a restaurant, never frequent that particular establishment again. Trip, don't tip, the waiter.

Our departmental copier machine went out again this morning. The Boss told IT she wanted a root cause analysis after it was fixed. I thought that was fairly obvious - it's a copier machine. All copier machines are garbage. 

That's why the repairman always looks depressed and defeated. That's also why you see him daily.

The coffee this morning was particularly awful. Usually it's good, but today it tasted like old cigarettes. Don't ask me how I know that, Mom.


Are pancakes better in the winter or the summer?
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1,000 Free Donut Blankets

Did you ever play a game with somebody who was 1,000 times better at it than you? Did you ask them to play left-handed to make it fairer? Turns out that doesn't work in Words With Friends.

More than half the folks in my department didn't come in today. One of the guys who did come in brought donuts for everybody. It's as close to winning the lottery as I'll ever come.

I don't play the lottery, but if I did, I would really hope I won.

What time is it in your head?

My son woke me up the other night at 4 AM to show me his blanket. That was very nice of him.

I'm finding it hard to get used to not being the administrator of the computers and servers at work. I was given a task that could have been completed in two hours with full access. I'm on day three since full access will not be granted, but thanks for asking.


Ever served for jury duty?
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Turquoise Robot Turtles - Approved For Safe Keeping

I'm thinking of changing my name to Safe Keeping. Then I'll go around to all the banks and ask the tellers, "You know all those people who left their money here for Safe Keeping? Well, I'm here and I'd like to make a withdrawal please."

I now work for a large company. That means there's a form for everything. Rather than being annoyed at this, I've decided to have some fun. I've noticed that my manager automatically approves every access request I submit, no questions asked. Then the next person up the chain approves her approval without asking questions. So I think I'm going to submit odd stuff, like "Need access to CEO's limo", or "Request increase to robot development / Cornuts fund".

I'm still writing Changeup. I've got several more chapters written...but I don't like any of it. I'm trying to decide what to do about it before posting any more.

Evan is learning words at an alarming pace. He's also learning words I wouldn't expect him to yet. My buddy's mom was showing him her necklace, which was made of many different colored stones.

BM: Can you say 'brown'?

Evan:

BM: How about 'red'?

Evan:

BM: This one's turquoise.

Evan: Turquoise!

Everybody: WHAT?!?

Evan: Turtle?


What was the craziest thing you said as a kid?
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How to Get Rich and Buy Your Own Unicorn

I've figured out the most lucrative business to be in these days. The sticker industry. It doesn't sound impressive, but think about everything you got for Christmas. I guarantee you there were at least three stickers on every. single. gift.

We got a Blu-ray player for Christmas (with stickers, of course). I can see no difference between Blu-ray and regular DVDs, but they cost twice as much so they must be better, right?

I started a new job last week. It's a career change for me. I'm not in IT anymore. I do some database work, but I am NOT the IT department. It's wonderful and magical and full of unicorns.


So...how's it going?
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Big 'Ol Pile a Wood

Below is a link to a hilarious voicemail someone left on my wife's phone. Make sure to listen to the end. FYI - My buddy edited the clip to remove the man's actual phone number. Those are the skips and beeps you hear.

Big 'Ol Pile a Wood

Tell us your funniest wrong number story.
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Tic-Tac Socks

I'm a compulsive Tic-Tac purchaser (the orange kind, if you're Christmas shopping for me). I buy them in the grocery store checkout line whether I'm out of stock or not (usually not). But then I lose them. I find them later in random spots. Glove box, bedside table drawer, office desk. Then I'm happily surprised. They're like little love gifts to myself.

We took Evan for his first haircut the other day. They gave him a certificate. I want to be rewarded for basically not throwing a fit. Of course, I realize by complaining about this I've disqualified myself. Rats.

Once again, the University of New Mexico did not make it to the New Mexico Bowl. Go Lobos!

I need new socks.

Today is my sister's birthday. She's 29 again. I wonder if she needs socks?


What are you snacking on?
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