Somewhere, deep in the heart of HP's corporate headquarters, lies a secret Customer Dissatisfaction Command Center (CDCC).
Staffed by goblins, vampires and trolls, the CDCC has a single nefarious mission: Ticking Off Customers.
The heart of this organization can be summed up by its mission statement - "Because We Hate You". This mission statement is written on the walls with a special paint made from customers' tears of frustration (recently, I personally provided the paint for several vowels).
The CDCC is located in a basement 500 feet below the surface. Here, there is no sunlight. Here, there is no joy.
The CDCC is responsible for alienating and frustrating loyal customers. If they can turn a loyal customer into a disloyal customer, then they have done their job (bonus points if you cry while still on the phone). Rest assured, the CDCC always does its job.
The CDCC is brilliant. They came up with the extraordinary idea of counting Christmas and weekends as 'business days'. This allowed them to close the support case I recently submitted while I was naively enjoying the holidays with family. They also had the audacity to mark the case as 'Resolved', thus improving their customer support metrics. Pure genius!
The CDCC is brazen. When I resubmitted the case, they sent me an email requesting I test some things for them. The CDCC suggested no less than ten hoops I had to jump through before they'd help me, including changing out all the hardware. Since I was calling on a hardware issue, I think it's safe to say new hardware would fix the issue!
The coup de gras lied in the instructions, though - "To respond to this message, please hit reply. Please do not reply to this email."
I can hear the howls of laughter from here...
Note: This is satire. HP Legal: Please don't sue me. However, if you do, please notify me personally. I may have some tech questions for you.