Amazing NASA Batteries

The following is an email I sent to the manufacturer of our bathroom scale, which is on the fritz:


Greetings Dapper Sirs and Stunning Madams,

We have an EatSmart Precision GetFit scale. We bought it on Amazon around Christmas.

It's great. We love it. It works hard.

Too hard, in fact.

It won't turn off. Ever. It just shines day and night, broadcasting my failure for all to see.

Now to be fair, I have a two year old son. He's constantly pushing buttons on it, so it's entirely possible he reprogrammed it like that one time he turned our DVD player into a rogue NASA satellite.

I can turn it off by removing all the batteries, but then my son puts them in his mouth, which is frightening but also hilarious because he winces and then proudly says, "That's aMAZing!"

So, to recap - Do you have any ideas as to how I can make my scale behave like it did when it was shiny and new?

Thank you so much for your time.

Sincerely,

Ricky Anderson

How do you think they'll respond?

Edit: They sent us a new scale, with exactly zero hassle!

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What the Dell?

I received an email a while back from Dell.  It offered me 25% off spare parts if I used the special coupon code provided.  I needed two hard drives for one of my servers, so I thought now would be the time to do it.

When I entered the coupon code in my shopping cart, however, the system said I needed to call instead of ordering online.

Let the saga begin!

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Me:  I would like to order two hard drives for my server.

Dell Lady #1:  For your laptop or your desktop?

Me:  For my server.

Dell Lady #1:  For your server laptop or your server desktop?

Me:  Server.  For my server.  The one here at work.  In the server room.

Dell Lady #1:  Is this for a server?

Me:  I have the part number.  I know which hard drives I need.  Would you like the part number?

Dell Lady #1:  Sir, I ask again.  Is this for a server?

Me:  Why, yes it is!

Dell Lady #1:  Now, is this for a server laptop or a server desktop?

Me:  Let me just give you the part number to enter into your system.

Dell Lady #1:  Why don't you just give me the part number to enter into my system?

Me:  That's a great idea.  Here you go.

Dell Lady #1:  Ok.  I've got it.  How many would you like?

Me:  Two.  And I've got a coupon code you emailed me this morning for 25% off.

Dell Lady #1:  I can't honor that.

Me:  Why not?

Dell Lady #1:  I have to ask my manager.

Me:  Please do.

Dell Lady #1:  He says we can give you $100 off instead.

Me:  That's less than the 25% you offered me this morning.

Dell Lady #1:  Is this for a business?

Me:  Yes, as I stated earlier.

Dell Lady #1:  I can only help you with home and personal purchases.

Me:  I called the small and medium business line listed in the ad.  The automated answering lady who connected me to you said this was the small and medium business line.

Dell Lady #1:  Yes, but I'm doing home and personal purchases today.

Me:  Well, that makes sense.  I'm a network administrator, but I'm only doing haircuts today. Can you transfer me to someone who can help me?

Dell Lady #1:  Yes, please hold.

*20 minutes of jazz*

*I hang up*

*I start a chat support ticket on Dell.com*

*I re-explain the entire situation*

Me:  ...and so I've called, and they transferred me around endlessly, finally leaving me on hold until my beard grew back. I simply want to order two hard drives and have the coupon code sent to me by Dell honored. That's it. I have my credit card in hand. I would like to give Dell money. Would anyone at Dell like to assist with this endeavor, or should I just go away? Thanks.

Dell Online Chat Dude:  What's the part number?

*I give it to him.*

Dell Online Chat Dude:  Are you sure?

Me:  I copied and pasted it from your website.  *I give him the link*

Dell Online Chat Dude:  Ok, no wonder why it isn't working!  You're looking at the refurbished part.

Me:  Yes, silly me.  It was the one part available for my server on your site.  What does that have to do with anything?

Dell Online Chat Dude:  You are going to have to call in to make that work.  You called the right number before, but you need to be transferred to the refurbish division.  Make sure you tell them that.

Me:  I have a lot of things to tell them.

*I finally get someone in the right department on the phone.  She sounds helpful.*

*She looks up the part, takes my info, and is about to close the sale...*

Dell Lady #2:  Oh, I'm sorry sir.  I can't sell this to you.

Me:  No, I don't suppose you can.  What's the problem this time?

Dell Lady #2:  You have a dedicated account rep.  You'll have to place your order through her.

Me:  She doesn't work at Dell anymore.

Dell Lady #2:  Have you tried emailing her?

Me:  Yes.  Strangely enough, she didn't respond.

Dell Lady #2:  Oh.  Well, try calling her.

Me:  She doesn't work there anymore.  Can you just place the order for her?

Dell Lady #2:  No, only she can do it.

Me:  Well, since she can't do it, can I have a new account rep?

Dell Lady #2:  I can't do that, Sir.  Only she can release the account.

Me:  So I can't order from Dell anymore?

Dell Lady #2:  I...I guess not.

Me:  That settles that.  I'm glad to hear it officially, though.

Dell Lady #2:  Thanks for calling Dell!

*I place the order online, with no discount.*

*My non-existent rep gets the credit.*

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The Top-Secret HP Customer Dissatisfaction Command Center

Somewhere, deep in the heart of HP's corporate headquarters, lies a secret Customer Dissatisfaction Command Center (CDCC).

Staffed by goblins, vampires and trolls, the CDCC has a single nefarious mission:  Ticking Off Customers.

The heart of this organization can be summed up by its mission statement - "Because We Hate You".  This mission statement is written on the walls with a special paint made from customers' tears of frustration (recently, I personally provided the paint for several vowels).

The CDCC is located in a basement 500 feet below the surface.  Here, there is no sunlight.  Here, there is no joy.

The CDCC is responsible for alienating and frustrating loyal customers.  If they can turn a loyal customer into a disloyal customer, then they have done their job (bonus points if you cry while still on the phone).  Rest assured, the CDCC always does its job.

The CDCC is brilliant.  They came up with the extraordinary idea of counting Christmas and weekends as 'business days'.  This allowed them to close the support case I recently submitted while I was naively enjoying the holidays with family.  They also had the audacity to mark the case as 'Resolved', thus improving their customer support metrics.  Pure genius!

The CDCC is brazen.  When I resubmitted the case, they sent me an email requesting I test some things for them.  The CDCC suggested no less than ten hoops I had to jump through before they'd help me, including changing out all the hardware.  Since I was calling on a hardware issue, I think it's safe to say new hardware would fix the issue!

The coup de gras lied in the instructions, though - "To respond to this message, please hit reply. Please do not reply to this email."

I can hear the howls of laughter from here...

Note:  This is satire.  HP Legal:  Please don't sue me.  However, if you do, please notify me personally.  I may have some tech questions for you.

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Tech Support Hold Music

I found myself on hold the other day.

I needed to pay Sony for some repair work they were doing for my boss' laptop.  All I had to do was give them my business credit card number, and we were set.

However, I got the new guy.  It was this poor soul's first day on the job, and he was overwhelmed.  He kept putting me on hold to check what he should do next with his boss and coworkers.

At first, I was annoyed that it was taking so long to simply give the man my card number and move on with life.

And then I noticed something odd.  Every time I was placed back in the hold queue, the hold music changed.

First up was Yanni (prounounced 'Yawny', which is French for "Help, I can't fall asleep!").  This probably added to me being perturbed.

The tribal bongos helped pick up the mood, though.  Nice touch.

Some well-timed Christmas ballads put me in the holiday spirit for a bit.

My fourth trip to the hold queue brought some gospel music, reminding me of the reason for the season.

Thankfully, the reggae hold time wasn't too long.  I never did like reggae, Bob Marley or otherwise ("Why all the foosin' and fittin'?").

The icing on the cake was the Hindi music.  I've never heard Hindi music while on hold with someone from India, which would make sense, but if you're waiting for the Sony repair center in San Diego, get ready!

All together, I was on hold for 28 minutes while the gentlemen learned how to type 16 numbers into his system.

Turns out it was half an hour well spent.


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Christmas Grapes

On the 23rd, we went to our favorite Chinese food restaurant, Hua Chang.

We were glad to see the restaurant wasn't empty that night, as it usually is.  A group of high schoolers was having a great time laughing it up with the owner's wife when I walked in to pick up our order.

She looked up at me excitedly and hustled over.  In addition to our regular hometown hero greeting, Mrs. Chang (I assume that's her name) threw in some almond cookies for free.  She tossed them into the bag, handed it to me, and told me, "You wait."  Then she disappeared into the kitchen.

I stood in the entryway for a bit, shuffling my feet and wondering what I'd done wrong.

Mrs. Chang returned with one hand behind her back and a huge smile on her face.

With a flourish, she produced a box of grapes.  "For the happy Christmas!" she exclaimed.

I gave her a hug.

Happy Christmas, indeed.