The Top-Secret HP Customer Dissatisfaction Command Center

Somewhere, deep in the heart of HP's corporate headquarters, lies a secret Customer Dissatisfaction Command Center (CDCC).

Staffed by goblins, vampires and trolls, the CDCC has a single nefarious mission:  Ticking Off Customers.

The heart of this organization can be summed up by its mission statement - "Because We Hate You".  This mission statement is written on the walls with a special paint made from customers' tears of frustration (recently, I personally provided the paint for several vowels).

The CDCC is located in a basement 500 feet below the surface.  Here, there is no sunlight.  Here, there is no joy.

The CDCC is responsible for alienating and frustrating loyal customers.  If they can turn a loyal customer into a disloyal customer, then they have done their job (bonus points if you cry while still on the phone).  Rest assured, the CDCC always does its job.

The CDCC is brilliant.  They came up with the extraordinary idea of counting Christmas and weekends as 'business days'.  This allowed them to close the support case I recently submitted while I was naively enjoying the holidays with family.  They also had the audacity to mark the case as 'Resolved', thus improving their customer support metrics.  Pure genius!

The CDCC is brazen.  When I resubmitted the case, they sent me an email requesting I test some things for them.  The CDCC suggested no less than ten hoops I had to jump through before they'd help me, including changing out all the hardware.  Since I was calling on a hardware issue, I think it's safe to say new hardware would fix the issue!

The coup de gras lied in the instructions, though - "To respond to this message, please hit reply. Please do not reply to this email."

I can hear the howls of laughter from here...

Note:  This is satire.  HP Legal:  Please don't sue me.  However, if you do, please notify me personally.  I may have some tech questions for you.



Sgt. Wolverine said...

I refuse to buy another HP product -- I'm pretty sure they all come from the CDCC in the first place.

I bought an HP printer/scanner a few months ago, and though it CLAIMED it would work with OS X, it only somewhat worked with OS X: it had functionality, but it wouldn't work conveniently like it would with a Windows machine. For instance, no matter what I tried, I couldn't get it to scan wirelessly without initiating the scan from the AWFUL, ponderously slow, painfully unintuitive HP scanning software -- though I was supposed to be able to initiate scans on the scanner, all that cool wireless stuff really only works with Windows. That's unfortunate, because I'm not really Windows-compatible anymore.

I took it back to the store the next day and spent extra money on a Lexmark printer/scanner. Guess what? It works! What a novel concept! Maybe you should try it sometime, HP.

And yes, I'm bitter. I'm pretty sure HP actually stands for Hardly Profitable.

Ricky Anderson said...


And I thought I was upset with HP.