The HP Way

Just in case you were wondering, RAM is not hot swappable.

I found this out a few years back when I killed a color LaserJet network printer at work. I had pulled out the old RAM and was attempting to insert the new. Before the card had even been seated in, I heard a *click* and the printer turned off - a minor detail I had overlooked prior to starting.

I had fried what HP calls the 'master logic board', which has the RAM slots. It only costs $609.  The printer itself cost $800.  This printer was special - the sum of the parts was vastly greater than the whole.

I don't know whether I was more embarrassed by the fact I was an idiot or that the technician HP sent out (I assume she was Bill Hewlett's grandmother) was about 65 years old, 4 feet tall and called me 'honey' - as in "Oh, no, honey, you should never try to change the RAM when the power is on. Hehehe!"

Sheesh. At least she didn't pat me on the head, but that was probably just because she couldn't reach.

Then, to add insult to insult, I called HP for some covered warranty work on a desktop motherboard a few years later.

I answered the knock on the office door, and - you guessed it - there stood Bill Hewlett's grandma.

"Hello, I'm Mildred from HP, and I'm here to...Oh!  I remember you!  You're the cutey who hot-swapped the printer RAM!  Hehehe!"

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The Top-Secret HP Customer Dissatisfaction Command Center

Somewhere, deep in the heart of HP's corporate headquarters, lies a secret Customer Dissatisfaction Command Center (CDCC).

Staffed by goblins, vampires and trolls, the CDCC has a single nefarious mission:  Ticking Off Customers.

The heart of this organization can be summed up by its mission statement - "Because We Hate You".  This mission statement is written on the walls with a special paint made from customers' tears of frustration (recently, I personally provided the paint for several vowels).

The CDCC is located in a basement 500 feet below the surface.  Here, there is no sunlight.  Here, there is no joy.

The CDCC is responsible for alienating and frustrating loyal customers.  If they can turn a loyal customer into a disloyal customer, then they have done their job (bonus points if you cry while still on the phone).  Rest assured, the CDCC always does its job.

The CDCC is brilliant.  They came up with the extraordinary idea of counting Christmas and weekends as 'business days'.  This allowed them to close the support case I recently submitted while I was naively enjoying the holidays with family.  They also had the audacity to mark the case as 'Resolved', thus improving their customer support metrics.  Pure genius!

The CDCC is brazen.  When I resubmitted the case, they sent me an email requesting I test some things for them.  The CDCC suggested no less than ten hoops I had to jump through before they'd help me, including changing out all the hardware.  Since I was calling on a hardware issue, I think it's safe to say new hardware would fix the issue!

The coup de gras lied in the instructions, though - "To respond to this message, please hit reply. Please do not reply to this email."

I can hear the howls of laughter from here...

Note:  This is satire.  HP Legal:  Please don't sue me.  However, if you do, please notify me personally.  I may have some tech questions for you.

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