Guest Post Swapping, Agent Smith Edition

Today Sharideth Smith, over at A Woman's Guide to Women, and I swapped guest posts. It's like we each took a vacation day to work somewhere else. We're going to have to reevaluate how we do these things.


Read Sharideth's attempt at running my help desk, and then head on over to her site to read my Romantic Dude Scorecard. It'll save lives.


--
network administrators have my pity.  they possess a level of patience i couldn't attain if i prayed for it for a 1000 years.  i really don't know how they do it.  have you read ricky's stories?!?  of course you have.  this is his blog and all.  i read it, too.  it makes me hate people even more than i already do.

ricky wants me to pretend like he has the day off at work and i have to man the IT phones.

here's how i imagine that might go.

god help us all.

*ring*

me:  what?

person who is going to try to ruin my day (pwigtttrmd):  i have an error message.

me:  i bet you do.

pwigtttrmd:  do you want to know what it says?

me:  no.

pwigtttrmd:  it says "Access Denied".

me:  you just used air quotes, didn't you?

pwigtttrmd:  what?

me:  nothing.

pwigtttrmd:  what should i do?

me:  i don't know.

pwigtttrmd:  aren't you suppose to know?

me:  i guess so.  what were you doing when you got the error message?

pwigtttrmd:  logging in.  i tried 3 times and then i got the message.

me:  did you forget your password?

pwigtttrmd:  what password?

*thud thud thud*

pwigtttrmd:  what was that noise?

me:  me banging my head on my desk.

pwigtttrmd:  what?

me:  nothing.  you've had a password every day you've logged in since you started working here, what is
it?

pwigtttrmd:  there's no need to take that tone with me.  this is clearly a problem with the computer.

me:  clearly.  what's your password?

pwigtttrmd:  fluffsnagles

me:  what?

pwigtttrmd:  fluffsnagles.  it was the name of my first set of cat slippers.

me:  there's nothing about what you just said that i understand.  how are you spelling that?

pwigtttrmd:  f l u f f s n a g l e s

me:  i've unlocked it.  try again.

pwigtttrmd:  tried it.  it didn't work.

me:  when did you successfully login last?

pwigtttrmd:  before i left for my wedding and honeymoon.

me:  has anything changed since then.

pwigtttrmd:  my name of course.

me:  what is your login name?

pwigtttrmd:  kittytoshiba

me:  that's not what i show here.  it says your login is kittycompaq.

pwigtttrmd:  that's my maiden name.  wouldn't my login automatically change when i got married?  don't computers know these things?

me:  goodbye.

what was the name of your first pair of slippers?

have you ever thought computers should just "know" something they didn't?  confess.  it's good for the soul.
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A Smashing Good Time

No, these aren't ink blots.

I'm not a shrink.

This is a oh-so-pretty smashed laptop screen.

Parents, don't leave your work laptop lying on the ground in the middle of the living room where your daughter can come running by and stomp on it.

And kids, don't do drugs.

Tell me some computer trauma stories!

.

The Password Wars

My mom is very upset.

Her network administrator at work is starting to enforce standardized usernames and complex passwords. This is a new frontier for Mom. The rest of us have been dealing with this for the last 10 years, but Mom works for a school and is therefore a bit behind.

"I can't remember my new username, so I have it written on a card that sits on my computer in the classroom."

I cringe more than a little when I hear this.

"And what's worse is the IT department says in the fall, I must change my password to something that includes lower and capital letters as well as numbers and symbols. I won't be able to remember that either, so it will join my username on the card."

I bite my tongue.

"How is this more secure?!?"

"It's not, Mom. You should try to make it something you can remember, then add numbers at the end or something."

I offer a few suggestions, all of which she declines.

I'm not sure what you'd do if your users kept their login information on a note on their keyboards, but I can tell you what I did.

I had a user who refused to learn her username and password. She kept it on a sticky note on her keyboard, just like Mom. I often spoke with her about not leaving it out in the open, but every morning, there it would be. I finally decided to have some fun...

I would change her password. Not in the system, but on the sticky note. L's would become 1's, O's became 0's, etc. She would then try the modified password until her account would automatically lock itself. Then she'd call me.

User: My account is locked again!

Me: Did you write down your password?

User: Of course. I can't remember that silly thing!

Me: But when you write your password down, the system locks your account, remember?

User: What? Oh, yeah! I forgot the monitor can see me...

Mom thinks this type of behavior is all my fault. She asked me to have a talk with all the other network administrators. She says we're being unnecessarily difficult, and is putting us in timeout.

"You all sit in the corner, and think about what you've done!"

Who's right? The IT folks or the users?

.

Expect More From Your Network Administrator!

Staff: Do you have any electrical tape?

Me: Nope.

Staff: You sure?

Me: Yup.

Staff: Can you go get some for me?

Me: What do you need it for?

Staff: My iPod cable. It's fraying on one end.

Me: Sorry. Not going to stop doing my work-related stuff to go get you electrical tape.

Staff: You sure you don't have any?

Me: Yup.

Staff: You don't keep any in the server room?

Me: Nope.

Staff: I guess I can bring some in from home if I have to.

Me: I'm sorry that you'll have to go through such a huge personal trial for your personal equipment. I'm sorry I couldn't be of more assistance to you in your music-seeking endeavors.


.

End Users - Those Rascally Vagueabonds!

I love it when users need help.  I don't love it when they don't know what for.

Users are the reason I'm employed, and contrary to society's belief that I should hate people, I don't.  I enjoy resolving an issue that has a user stymied and unable to continue working.

This doesn't mean I'm beyond having some dastardly fun with users who don't even know what they're asking me to help with.  If you don't have time to read an error message, then you're too busy to ask for help.

I actually had the following conversation with a rather bright young CPA...

CPA:  Hey, I need your help.

Me:  Sure, what's up?

CPA:  I was trying to run some numbers and I got an error.

Me:  What program were you running?

CPA:  Yeah.

Me:  Yeah, what?

CPA:  I was running the program.

Me:  What program?

CPA:  Yeah.  Then the error popped up.

Me:  What was the error?

CPA:  It was long.

Me:  Do you know the gist of what it said?

CPA:  I didn't read it, because it was long.

Me:  *Muttering to myself* Yeah, details can be really annoying.  Like the federal tax code.  And if you just ignore it, it'll go away.  Did you leave the error message up for me to come see?

CPA:  Nah, I just clicked OK.

Me:  Well, that's a known issue.  You know, if you reboot and give it 5 minutes, I can fix it from my end.

CPA:  Thanks, I knew you could fix it.

Me:  Glad to help!

.

Arguing With Tech Support, Part 2

It never ends, does it?

Staff:  I can't log into the terminal server.  The error message says it can't find the remote server.

Me:  Let me take a look.  *Clicky*Clicky*  Ok, you're good to go now.

Staff:  What was the issue?

Me:  The connection was set to use the IP address instead of the host name, and since they're using DHCP, the IP isn't static, so the connection that used to work doesn't anymore.  I deleted that connection and added a new one referencing the host name, so you should be good now.

Staff:  I didn't understand any of that!  Could you maybe use English?

Me:  It couldn't find the server.

Staff:  I know, that's what the error message said.  But what does that mean?

Me:  It was looking for a server named Bob that had changed its name to Ted.

Staff:  Couldn't it have looked Ted up by his last name?

Me:  What?  No, that was just a meta...yes, that's what I had it do.

Staff:  And it worked!

.

Arguing With Tech Support

Is it okay to remind someone they shouldn't ask you questions they don't want the answers to?

Staff:  My account is locked out.

Me:  No problem!  *Clicky*Clicky*  Ok, you're good to go now.

Staff:  But it locked me out on the first login attempt.

Me:  Ok.

Staff:  Isn't it supposed to give you a few tries before it locks you out?

Me:  Yes, five.

Staff:  But it only gave me one!

Me:  Ok.

Staff:  Why would it do that?  Is your server broken?

Me:  Nope!  It locked because there were five unsuccessful login attempts.

Staff:  No there weren't!

Me:  Ok.

Staff:  So what else could cause this?

Me:  Maybe you locked it yesterday and didn't notice until this morning, so on your first attempt this morning, you got the account locked message.

Staff:  That didn't happen!

Me:  Ok.

Staff:  *Walks away mumbling*

If you're going to be offended by any hint of your actions causing an undesired consequence, then I don't know what to tell you.  I don't care if you lock your account - it's a two second fix, and I've done it myself.  There's no shame.  So don't argue!

.

The Reboot

I'd like to thank Microsoft for one of the most misunderstood inventions of all time: The Reboot.

Most people become annoyed when forced to reboot since closing their Solitaire game and Facebook session can be quite the productivity setback.

Those of us on the front lines of the help desk, however, know how useful this tool can be when used properly.

Here are some of the many uses for The Reboot:

1. The Great Time Buy - If I don't know the answer to your issue and need a few minutes to consult with Buddy Google, but you're out of sorts and on the verge of becoming the Panicked User of Doom, then I'm not above buying myself three minutes while you reboot.

2. The "I Don't Know, So Why Not?" Crap Shoot - No, it's not dishonest. Since you insist upon leaving your workstation turned on for weeks on end, half your issues are regularly solved with a reboot. Out of temp space? Connectivity issues? General system slowdown? I've got your reboot right here, my friend.

3. The Passive-Aggressive Help Desk Revenge - Remember when I reset your password last week? Four times on Thursday alone? When you blamed the fact you couldn't remember your cat's middle name on me and my 'complex password' security requirements? Yeah, you've had a target on your back since then. But it's all good - I feel better now. Don't worry about the spreadsheets you lost during that last reboot - no one really reads spreadsheets anyway, they just look at the totals.

If you're on the help desk front lines, I hope you begin to realize the value The Reboot brings us. Don't worry about getting caught - Microsoft has made The Reboot pervasive in our society, and the users are accustomed to it.

Be careful not to abuse its use, though. Like all tools, The Reboot must be used sparingly and only in the proper situations.

.

What Users Think

I often have chagrined users ask me to fix their personal computers.

Most are honest about what the issue is and how they caused it.

They'll get loaded up with spyware and adware during a brain-free trip around the Internet.

Sometimes I wonder what's going on inside their heads...

...

The scene opens with a user lounging on the sofa in her living room. She's wearing pink bunny slippers and humming to herself.

She checks her Facebook page, which doesn't have anything personal from any of her 'friends'. There are, however, 6 birthday cakes, 4 kitty charities and 18 Mafia Wars invitations. The user gleefully accepts them all.

She then notices a "Check this out!!!!!!!!!!" link in the sidebar.  She's got no idea who it's from or what it's about, but she doesn't want to be left out when there's that many exclamation points involved.  She quickly clicks in anticipation.

After closing the twelve popups that load, she sees a Weatherbug advertisement and a flashing banner ad informing her she's won the drawing by being the 1,000,000 visitor to this site!

An avalanche of pop-ups, windows that won't close and other Internet gremlins explode on her screen.

The user yelps a bit and shuts down her computer.

After a moment, she can't stand it anymore and boots back up. She logs into Facebook.

"Ooh, kittens!"

*click*




What do you think goes on inside user's heads?




.

"Oh my gosh..."

Today's tasty entree is a guest post from Isaiah Henni. I love his blog, not only because it's nicer, but because he's writing a series on his studies of Nehemiah, or as I call them, Ricky's Devotion Time Since He Didn't Get Up Early Enough. Oh, and I wrote a post for him a while back, but forgot to link to it from here since I was out of town and/or lazy. Go read it and pretend it's new. Also, pretend you enjoy it.

--

One of my friends who used to be in Tech Support related this story to me. I was grateful I didn't get this call, and you'll see why in just a second.

Me: “Tech Support, how may I help you?”

Caller: “My internet isn’t working. I can't open up Internet Explorer.”

Me: “Ok. What happens when you try to open it?”

Caller: “Nothing.”

Me: “Ok... when you click on it, nothing happens?”

Caller: "Yes."

Me: "Hmm. Now which icon are you clicking on?"

Caller: "I'm not sure what you mean."

Me: "No problem, do you know what version of windows you have?"

Caller: "Um, haha, sorry, no idea."

Me: "Ok, go ahead and click on the start button in the bottom left-hand corner."

Caller: "Ok."

Me: "Do you see the Internet Explorer icon?"

Caller: "No."

Me: "Ok, hmm. What do you see?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Me: "You don't see anything?"

Caller: "No."

Me: "Is your monitor on?"

Caller: "What?"

Me: "Is your computer on?"

Caller: "Well, I'm sure it is."

Me: "Is it making noise?"

Caller: "Well, no."

Me: "Ok, let's push the power button."

Caller: "Ok. [silence] Nothing happened."

Me: "No fan noise or anything?"

Caller: "Nope, no lights either."

Me: [skeptical] "... and you're sure you pushed the button?"

Caller: "YES!"

Me: "Wait, so it wasn't on before?"

Caller: "No."

Me: "Well, why were you saying you were clicking on things?"

Caller: "... I don't know. Are you going to help me or not?"

Me: [thinking] "Is the computer even plugged in?"

Caller: [long pause] "Oh my gosh..." [long pause] "Oh my gosh..."

Me: "Its not plugged in, is ..."

Caller: [interrupting] "Oh my gosh... just, forget I called. It is working fine... Oh my gosh, I can't believe I did that... Oh my gosh."

Me: "Thank you for calling Tech Support."

Caller: "You can't tell anyone this, just forget I called... bye!" [hangs up]

Me: [turns to co-worker] "You're not going to believe this."

True story. The person was saying they were clicking on things on the screen, when their computer wasn't even on. Then he finds out the computer has been unplugged the whole time.

This is why the good men and women of Tech Support will ask you every time, "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" and "Are you sure it's plugged in?"




.

Out to Lunch

Sometimes avoiding the obstacles to your goal is the best way of dealing with them.

Let's say your goal is to get to lunch on time to meet a friend.  You've finished upgrading the RAID array in the server room, and it's time to head out.

A new Network Administrator would simply open the server room door and head across the office to the parking garage.  However, new Network Administrators also do not eat lunch.  This is when the pack of Special Needs Users descends on him.  He will never see the light of day again.

Experienced Network Administrators, however, have prepared for this occasion.

When an experienced admin heads to lunch, he plans accordingly.  

He's built a secret passageway from the server room to the back wall of the kitchen. He swings open the secret back door of the fridge and snags his lunch.  Then he continues down the secret passageway to the trap door that leads to the parking garage.  Freedom!

The users could be chasing him of course, but he's not worried.  He's in no hurry because he left booby traps.

When a user pounds on the server room door, a bucket of keyboards and mice comes crashing down.

Any users stalking the Admin at his desk will be delayed until they figure out the guy in the chair is ignoring them not only because his headphones are in, but also because he is in fact a crash test dummy with a wig and a pocket protector.

If the users are dumb enough to pursue, the line of laptops leading to the parking garage will slow them down.  They're open, rigged like bear traps.

And while the users are licking their wounds, the Experienced Network Administrator is enjoying lunch, far away from the office.  There's food, there's quiet, there's no users...

...until his mobile rings.

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The Panicked User of Doom

Every company's got one.

The Panicked User of Doom (PUD) can't seem to figure anything out for herself.  She can't so much as turn her computer on without calling you six times.

Here's my latest bout with our resident PUD:

PUD:  What's that black box on the ground that says 'Dell' on it?

Me: It's what we call a computer.  Why?

PUD:  It's making a horrible beeping noise.  These things aren't all they're cracked up to be.  They have so many problems.

Me:  *Muttering*  Don't we all.

[I head over to take a look]

Me:  I see the problem.

[I remove a binder from the keyboard, which had been holding down the D key.  The beeping stops.]

PUD:  Oh, thanks.  It was driving me crazy.  Silly machines!  Oh!  One more thing - I just got an email from someone, and I'd like to respond.

Me:  Go ahead; doesn't bother me.

PUD:  See, they sent me a picture, but it's turned on its side.  Can you show me how to make it right-side-up?

Me:  *Click* There you go!

PUD:  Ok, thanks!  Can we make it bigger?

Me:  *Click* Yup!

PUD:  *Stares at the picture intently*  Ok, now...I just talk to her?

Me:  Umm...that's just a picture.  You can't talk to it.  Well, you CAN, but...


.

Helpless Users

Some users simply refuse to understand an issue or take any initiative in resolving it.

There are multiple networks at my work, and I don't have administrator access to all of them.  This means there are certain issues I can't do anything about, even if I understand what needs to be done.

Here's a conversation I have with certain users, not infrequently:

Helpless User:  Can you fix blah-de-blah?

Me:  I don't have access to that since it's not on our local network, but you can submit a ticket to the  corporate helpdesk and they'll remote in and get you fixed up.

Helpless User:  So there's nothing I can do?

Me:  You can submit a helpdesk ticket and the folks at the corporate helpdesk will remote into your system and get you squared away.

Helpless User:  Well, I guess since there's nothing I can do, I'll just live with it.

Me:  Yes, I guess that is the only sensible course of action we have left at this point.

.

Because I Don't Wanna

I developed a little application several years ago that allows the receptionists to track all our correspondence in a database.  It ties the scanned image to the data entered in the database.

One of the users recently asked me to make some changes to the forms I had set up for data entry.  Our conversation went like this:

User:  I'd really like to avoid having to switch back and forth between the keyboard and the mouse when finishing one record and creating the next record.

Me:  Good idea; I can do that.  *Clicky.  Clickyclick.  Tappitytaptap.*  There, done!  Now all you have to do is hit Tab twice to get to the new record.

User:  Thanks, but I don't wanna do that.  I'll have to look down at my keyboard to make sure I hit the Tab key, and that takes as long as just using the mouse.

Me:  No, it doesn't.  You use the Tab key all the time.  Just tap it twice, and you're good to go.  If you still don't want to do that, then you'll have to use the mouse.

User:  Well, it's such a bother.  I don't like either option.

Me:  So...you're saying you don't want to use the keyboard or the mouse?

User:  Yeah, I guess so.

Me:  Then I'll need to work another method of input.  Let's see...how about telekinesis?  No?  A joystick?  No?  How about just doing your job, is that an option?


.

Secret Computer Fairy Dust

Special Needs User (SNU):  Can you help me sync my email to my iPhone?

Me:  No.

SNU:  Can you help me sync my calendar to my iPhone?

Me:  No.

SNU:  Why not?

Me:  Corporate blocks it.  They don't support iPhones.

SNU:  Why?

Me:  I don't know.

SNU:  Do you know why they block it?

Me:   No.

SNU:  So there's no workaround?

Me:  No.

SNU:  What did you do for the partners?

Me:  The partners got different phones since they couldn't use their iPhones.

SNU:  So you just hooked them up with some secret fix that you can't tell me?

Me:  What?  No, I just told you...yes, that's exactly what I did.  I have secret computer fairy dust, and I only share it with management.


.

Do As I Say...

I hate it when users aren't prepared.  They bring me dead computers, and each one apparently contains the next great American novel and all existing baby pictures of their loved ones.

Of course they don't have a backup.

Their lack of foresight now means I'm expected to go into Emergency Mode.

This is where I stop doing productive things and try to miraculously raise kaput hardware from the dead.

"Why didn't you make a backup?", I ask.

"I meant to!  I just didn't have time."

"That's no excuse!"

These users drive me nuts.  I'm glad I took the day off on Friday.

I'll have all kinds of time on my hands.  I can do anything I want.  I should make that backup I've been intending to do.  That clicking sound from my hard drive probably doesn't mean anything.

Meh, I'll do it over the holidays.


---

User Wrangling

I'm not an IT Nazi, although I did replace one.

The previous admin would demand sacrifices before descending from on high to assist the lowly users.  She demanded Starbucks from me one time in exchange for walking down a flight of stairs to make my computer work so I could do my job.

Since I'm not a Nazi, I don't mind when my users occasionally take the initiative.

Take yesterday, for instance.  One of the users was moving desks and decided to move her computer by herself.  Not a problem...usually.

The fun started when she came upstairs to my desk, madder than a wet hen.  Her Internet connection no longer worked.  She insisted it had been working, and she had taken care to connect everything back up in the same manner she had dismantled it.

We went down to her desk to survey the situation.  I took one glance at her laptop and stopped the snort and chuckle from escaping my poker face.

Me:  Out of curiosity, why did you come up to my desk to get me, instead of just calling?

User:  My phone doesn't work, either!  Nothing is working - all your stupid equipment is broken!

Me:  Yes, I noticed.

User:  How?  You haven't looked at my phone yet.  I was going to let you fix the laptop before asking you about my phone.

Me:  Oh, they're related.

*I unplug the phone cord from the laptop and put it back in the phone.  I grab the unplugged network cable and plug it into the laptop with a satisfying *Click*.

User:  Oh.  Well, I could have done that!

Of Mouse and Man

Some users are more clueless than others.  They're the recurring callers; the ones who are always stymied by the simplest of error messages.

When you help them, they're not always with the program.

Here's a classic example...

==

Special User:  How do I open a file?


Me:  Double-click it.


Special User:  I did, and nothing happened.  Come look.


Me:  Ok, show me.


Special User:  *Right clicks on a file twice*  See?  Just that silly pop-up menu.


Me:  Double-click with the left mouse button.


Special User:  *Right clicks on the file twice*  Still doesn't work!


Me:  The other button.


Special User:  *Right clicks on the file twice*  Nope!


Me:  Your other left mouse button.  There's only two.  Use the one on the left.  The one closest to your keyboard.


Special User:  *Right clicks on the file twice*  Why won't this work?  I'm doing it right!


Me:  Yes, you're doing it with the right mouse button, which is incorrect.  Try this one.  *Touches the correct button*


Special User:  *Right clicks on the file twice*  I hate computers!


Me:  No, you don't.  Try this one.  *Touches it again*


Special User:  Oh, the left one!  *Left clicks on the file twice*  Ok, you fixed it!


Me:  Glad to help!  *Walks away mumbling* *Right eye twitches*

The User Virus

There's a reason I'm in the information technology field.

I like computers.  I enjoy helping folks use computers.  I like to work my way through complex problems and look like a genius afterward.

But mostly I just don't want to get dirty.

I'm especially squeamish regarding anything to do with bodily functions and/or fluids, specifically your bodily functions and/or fluids.

If I'm walking down the road and see you lying on the sidewalk in a pool of blood, gasping "Help me!", I'll be glad to call 911.  Otherwise you're on your own, buddy.

This sort of situation has yet to happen in my office full of accountants, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't get hazard pay.  My coworkers will come to work no matter how sick they are.  Some of these folks could give birth after being decapitated in a car wreck on the way to work and still manage to get here in time.

Here's how it plays out:

*Phone rings*

Me:  This is Ricky, can I help you?

Sick and Stubborn User:  My combuter is acting ub.  Can you come check it out?

Me:  Sure, I'll be right there.  Are you sick?

Sick and Stubborn User:  No, it's just allergies.


*A couple days go by*


Me:  You sound awful, are you sure you're not sick?

Sick and Stubborn User:  It's just allergies!  *Achooooo!*


*A couple days go by*


Me:  How's your allergies?

Sick and Stubborn User:  The doctor said I have bronchitis.  And pneumonia.  And the hauntavirus.  And the flu!  I'm not contagious though.

Me:  Of course not.  Why don't you take a few days off?

Sick and Stubborn User:  I don't want to use my sick days.  Gotta save 'em for when I need 'em.

Me:  You're insane.  Go home.

Sick and Stubborn User:  Why are you wearing gloves and a SARS mask?

Me:  It's standard network anti-virus equipment.

Sick and Stubborn User:  I see.  What are you drinking?

Me:  Hand sanitizer.