The Most Important Childrearing Tip a Dad Should Ever Know

Today's treat is a guest post from Scott Moore, who blogs at The Moore You Know. Scott has written here before, and, if I have any say in the matter, will write here again. If you haven't been down the delightful rabbit hole that is Scott's brain, you should follow him on Twitter, read his blog and stalk him in person.

When Ricky told me that he and his wife were expecting, I couldn’t have been more excited for him. He is getting a progeny to mold, groom, and instruct in the ways of the Lord. But mostly because he is a blogger and kids provide never ending material. When you’re falling under the spell of blogging’s version of the Swamps of Sadness, they are like little luckdragons who show up and save the day*.  

For example, we had an incident when my daughter Ada was about 16mo that involved me rolling around the floor in sheer agony and her peeing diaperless in the living room. I try to be the eternal optimist in all situations. For example I think Charlie Sheen is going to get everything worked out and we will get a hilarious 9th season of Two and a Half Men** but the only good thing about our situation was Ada peed on the hearth rather than the carpet. Plus, I guess I learned the most important tip a dad should ever know that I am sharing it with you today.

The back story:

The evening started out seemingly normal. My wife was gone for the night and it was just Ada and me. We had already eaten dinner, finished the bath, and were getting a little playtime in before bed. When it was time to take Ada upstairs, I was going give her a nice fresh diaper but for some reason at that age she’d rather sit around in the product of her excretory system rather than her diaper be changed. So naturally, she put up a fight.

I eventually got her to lie down, took the old diaper off, and went to grab a new one. The problem was it was sitting about two feet out of reach behind me. I stretched to grab it and with my head turned, Ada saw her chance to make a getaway. Whether it was intentional or not, I’ll never know but in her haste to run for it she dropkicked me right in the bathing suit area. Instant pain shot through me rendering me helpless. I haven’t taken a shot like that since the time I was 6yrs old and forgot the breaks on my new bike were on the handlebars rather than pedaling in reverse. I hit a storage shed going full speed.

After the wave of nausea went away, I was able to muster up enough energy to roll over to see what she was doing. She was standing on the fireplace with a guile grin on her face, naked as the day she born, and showing no remorse for the events that had just taken place. I knew I had to get a diaper on her as quickly as possible but I couldn’t pick myself up. I remember lying there and thinking, “Well, if anything does happen at least it won’t happen on the carpet.” Then, as if my thoughts had somehow telepathically triggered it, I saw the stream, the floodgates had opened. Ada didn’t even acknowledge it. She stood there motionless, feet shoulder width apart, staring at me rolling around on the floor. Probably laughing on the inside.

As the puddle grew larger and larger, I knew I had to act quickly. I was able to stagger over and pick her up before she started skipping rocks in the pond she had just created. This time she let me put the diaper on her with no issues. I think she may have felt bad for what she had done. I picked her up, snapped her onsie, and limped my way upstairs to put her to bed.

The tip:

I came back downstairs and fell onto the couch to let the pain subside and to gather my thoughts. I learned a life lesson the hard way that night so now you don’t have to. I put together a checklist that, if followed religiously, should keep from appearing on America’s Funniest Home Videos:

1. Always have a spare diaper on you – Tuck one in your back pocket, sport one as a necklace, or if you are hardcore like me, wear a shoulder holster. A holster with a diaper in it instead of a gun isn’t as threatening, but neither is talking in falsetto.  
2. Plan for a change of clothes – If there is a change of clothes involved, lay them out on the floor just like your mom used to do for you in kindergarten right beside the spot the diaper change will be taking place. Just make sure you never have to reach for anything during a diaper change again.
3. Practice the teachings of Ross GellerUnagi is a state of total awareness. Only by achieving true Unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you.

I caution you dads, heed my advice and heed it well. Unless you wear a jock strap 24/7, which probably isn’t a bad idea either. The simple steps listed above will save you from insufferable pain and allow you to maintain your ability to reproduce more children which really only generates more likelihood of getting leg dropped in the crotch. Such is the tradeoffs of fatherhood. But it’s worth it.

*If you got The Never Ending Story reference we should be friends.***
**Note: I’m a sarcastic optimist.
***Ricky, you should totally name your baby, Falkor.



Scott said...

Ricky, thanks for that intro.

#37 on my Bucket List is to have to take out a restraining order on someone and you just got me one step closer.

Thank you and congratulations again.

Some Guy said...

And the wipes! Don't forget the wipes!

Nothing worse than needing some baby wipes during a diaper change and opening the lid on the wipey container only to find out that there are none left...

Always have one wipe ready to go and one on deck before you remove the diaper.