My Many Valentines

How did he do it?  Why did he do it?  What was it like?

I'm pondering, of course, on the love life of the wisest man in the history of the world.  You may have heard of him; his name was Solomon.  He had 700 wives and 300 concubines.

My first thought is to dismiss him as a nutcase.  However, the Bible says he was the wisest man of all time.  Let's see what the wisest man in history can teach us about marriage.

Let's start with the early years.  At this point, Solomon probably only had a couple dozen wives.  He knew all their names, got along with their families, and bought them anniversary and birthday presents on time.  All was well, if not busy.

Fast forward a decade or so.  The kingdom is expanding, and so is the Solomon household.  There are now so many wives and concubines that they have to eat dinner in shifts.

Here's a typical conversation:

Woman:  How did my lord like his dinner?
Solomon:  Fine, baby, fine.  How's my little darlin' tonight?
Woman:  A thousand pardons, Sire.  I am but your humble cook.
Solomon:  Wanna get hitched?
Woman:  But my liege, I have no royal blood.
Solomon:  Have you tried my concubine program?
Woman:  I'll look into it straight away, Sire.
Solomon:  Tell your friends!
*Solomon glances around the dinner table, noticing the hostile glares of his wives.*
Solomon:  Oh, relax.  You know there's only you...and you...and you...

Another decade passes, and the hostile glares have turned into obstinate arguments.  Solomon is miserable, but he still loves the ladies.  After prolonged soul searching, he decides to implement a brilliant idea - the Bride Recycling Program ("When Your One and Only Gets Old and Ornery").  He retires the older models to one of the country estates, and marries a newer, younger model.

This sounds harsh, but Solomon is the king.  It also helps that the recycled wives can still participate in growing the family.  There's still the Wife Referral Program ("Send-A-Spouse").  For every new wife they send Solomon's way, they receive a larger stipend, keeping everybody happy and working together, as a family should.

It's fifteen years later, and Solomon is getting old himself.  His life is in shambles.  Most of the kingdom has been taken from him for his disobedience.  His wives won't speak to him, and he's lonely.

You would think he'd be depressed, but never fear - the Concubine Courier Service ("We Bring the Action to You") is here!  Meaningful companionship is but a carrier pigeon away!  One request, and Solomon can spend as much time with a lady of negotiable affections as he wants.

If you think love is complicated, be thankful you're not Solomon.

Happy Valentine's Day!