When I worked at Taco Bell, I made sure my boss knew from the start I wouldn't be working on Sundays.
Our arrangement worked well until one day when we got a new boss. He immediately put me on the schedule for the next Sunday.
I pulled him aside and informed him this wouldn't be happening. He told me if I didn't show up on Sunday, I shouldn't bother showing up on Monday either. Or any other day.
I didn't show, and neither of us ever mentioned it again. We understood each other and had an unspoken truce.
But as smug as I was over that small victory, I'm as hypocritical as the next Christian when it comes to my expectations of how others observe the Sabbath.
We're ready to throw down if our boss asks us to work on Sunday. We've got pocketfuls of righteous indignation ready if he dares ask. But that same indignation gets a little less righteous when the tables are turned, doesn't it?
It's Sunday. We've enjoyed a challenging and life-changing sermon. We grab our Bibles and herd our families to the car. We remember to drive like Christians, and let folks in front of us. We smile and wave. We're proud of ourselves; we're good Christians.
We hum a hymn on the way to the restaurant. We skip up to the door, and then things turn ugly. The restaurant is closed.
How dare they? Don't they know we hurried over here with plenty of time to beat the Baptists? We're here as a family, and we're hungry! It's not like folks who work in restaurants are Christians, you know. They shouldn't be taking Sunday off. I bet they don't have families, either. This is highly inconvenient. I bet they're at home watching football, and aren't thinking about me at all.
Well, if we can't eat out, at least we can get some shopping done. Why is this store closed too? Wow, even the mall closes early today. It's like today is special or something.
Thanks to these people, I can't get my to-do list done today. They're making me waste my weekend.
Selfish jerks!
Dieting
I'm always amazed by people who diet.
Some folks are crazier than others, like Rob Shepherd (Weight Watchers and excercise?!?).
Dieting is part of yet another culture I don't understand, like marathon runners, hunters and bikers.
I get on the scale and measure my progress. When it goes up, I think "Well, a beer and half a pizza will do that to you."
When I want the numbers to go down, I don't eat breakfast or lunch for a day or two. Then I don't have to worry about how many carbs this is, or how organic that is.
I also don't have to go to the Hurting Place. The thing about the Hurting Place is that it hurts. I'm not up for that. I took a quick poll, and all my muscles agree that not hurting is what they like best.
What do you do about dieting and exercising?
.
Some folks are crazier than others, like Rob Shepherd (Weight Watchers and excercise?!?).
Dieting is part of yet another culture I don't understand, like marathon runners, hunters and bikers.
I get on the scale and measure my progress. When it goes up, I think "Well, a beer and half a pizza will do that to you."
When I want the numbers to go down, I don't eat breakfast or lunch for a day or two. Then I don't have to worry about how many carbs this is, or how organic that is.
I also don't have to go to the Hurting Place. The thing about the Hurting Place is that it hurts. I'm not up for that. I took a quick poll, and all my muscles agree that not hurting is what they like best.
What do you do about dieting and exercising?
.
Racy Ideas
While on vacation last week, we got to witness the 101st running of the oldest trail race in America. And by witness, I mean we slept in while all the crazy people ran in the street below our hotel window. There was lots of cheering, which I suspect was for the runners and not for us. I really couldn't be bothered to get up and look out the window to check.
Because that's the thing about running, folks - it's always the same thing. I run, you run, one of us is faster and wins. Yada yada yada. Nothing truly exciting ever happens (with the exception of last year's running of this race - an 8-year-old girl won the race!).
My wife and I were thinking of ways to spice things up (in the race). We thought of several new categories you running-types might be interested in:
The 10K Skip - Skipping is not only more fun than running, but it's actually harder to do. You're basically jumping and waving your arms around. If you can do this for a 10K, then you get to keep your Man Card. If you fizzle out halfway down the block, then you've just become a man who skips down the street and gets funny looks.
The 5K Cartwheel - Cartwheeling is hard. Cartwheeling for 5K is epic. And dizzying. I assume.
The Wheelbarrow Marathon - You and a buddy, doing the Wheelbarrow. For 26 miles. You'd better pick somebody you like!
The Crabwalk Half Marathon - You might be a bit crabby when you finish this one.
The Pogo Stick Trail Race and Obstacle Course - This might be the only one I'd actually enter. This race would definitely have its ups and downs, but I think it'd be worth it.
Which race would you enter? What other races would you create?
.
Stuff I Made Up, Mostly In My Head
Aren't you glad we don't have round picture frames for our desks? They'd be rolling everywhere all the time, and we'd never get anything done.
If we can figure out how to talk to the dolphins and whales, shouldn't we try to communicate with in-utero babies? We could learn a lot from an insider. Get on that, Science.
Terry Pratchett has Alzheimer's, and still writes great books. Heck, Ralph Compton is dead and still writes books. I can't get further than two chapters into my own book and struggle to write a blog post. That probably makes me a special kind of stupid.
Don't worry if you lose a lot of weight. It's pretty easy to find.
Have you checked out ShortAndSilly.com? It's pretty much the most awesome site ever. If you don't like that, try Zombo.com.
When are the aliens coming?
.
If we can figure out how to talk to the dolphins and whales, shouldn't we try to communicate with in-utero babies? We could learn a lot from an insider. Get on that, Science.
Terry Pratchett has Alzheimer's, and still writes great books. Heck, Ralph Compton is dead and still writes books. I can't get further than two chapters into my own book and struggle to write a blog post. That probably makes me a special kind of stupid.
Don't worry if you lose a lot of weight. It's pretty easy to find.
Have you checked out ShortAndSilly.com? It's pretty much the most awesome site ever. If you don't like that, try Zombo.com.
When are the aliens coming?
.
How To Be An Astronaut
I think most kids grow up to work dead-end jobs simply because they didn't know how to get to their dream ones.
So this one's for the kids. Every kid has dreamed at one point in their lives of being an astronaut.
Floating in space, seeing the stars, avoiding traffic. What's not to like?
Things You Can Do Now To Prepare For Your Future As An Astronaut
- Drive fast. This will help you prepare for takeoff.
- Wave at your mom. You know you won't be able to help yourself when you're looking down at Earth.
- Eat freeze dried food. This will prepare your tastebuds for the nightmare that is space food.
- Pee in a garden hose. Thankfully this won't happen too much in space since all the food is dry.
- Practice backflips. You've gotta get used to being upside down.
- Use walkie-talkies. Practice radio chatter with your buddies. Use the words 'Roger' and 'starboard' frequently.
- Move slowly. I'm not sure what's so dangerous up there, but I can guarantee it's deadly to move fast. Every clip I've ever seen on TV of an astronaut makes it look like they're moving in slow-motion.
What tips do you have for the kids?
.
7 Tips for Taking Your Kids to Their First Baseball Game
I love baseball. So do you (I'm not asking; I'm telling). Chances are your kids do, too.
Here's some tips for you and your kids when going to their first baseball game:
1. If you've got a minor league team, start there. Take the opportunity to meet the stars now, because they'll be too stuck up later. I've met Eric Karros, Mike Piazza and Pedro Martinez when they played for the Albuquerque Dukes. They were all friendly then - now they won't even return my calls.
2. Minor league tickets are cheaper. You'll rarely have to mortgage anything to see a game, but paying for big league tickets can turn a minivan-driving dad into a drug dealer.
3. Let your kids bring their tiny baseball gloves. Not only will they feel important, but they'll have something to protect you with when a line drive heads your way.
4. 25¢ hot dog night. Don't stop until you're too full to waddle to the car!
5. Don't forget to yell 'CHARGE!', or the terrorists win. This applies to The Wave as well.
6. If you jump up to catch a foul ball, take note of where you're going to land. Upon landing, I had a very personal and painful moment with an armrest at the Arizona Diamondbacks stadium. You only forget this tip once!
7. Learn the songs. If you don't know the national anthem or 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame', you're just a fool watching everyone else have fun. And they'll probably put you on the big screen.
What do you love about going to baseball games? What advice would you give others?
.
Don't Worry; Be Happy
Now you'll have that annoying song on your mind all day. You're welcome.
Things That Worry Me But Probably Shouldn't
Things That Worry Me But Probably Shouldn't
- International travel - what if I'm in a cafe in Shangai and the waiter brings the bill and it's for 10 trillion dollars?
- Me: Um, I think there's a typo.
- Waiter: You American?
- Me: Yes.
- Waiter: No typo. You pay now!
- What if I'm not a good dad? What if I freak out?
- Did I gas up the car?
- What if this post's too short?
- What if I think of a whole bunch of stuff to add right after I hit 'Publish Post'?
What oddball things do you worry about?
.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)