Ok, I'm getting my clock cleaned over at Tyler Tarver's site for the Worst Movie Ever competition.
It turns out I care more about this than a healthy human should, but my clock is already shiny and doesn't need more cleaning.
So head over to Tyler's site and vote for my movie, The Stupids.
I promise I'll never ask you for anything ever again, until next time.
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Passing the Test
I don't miss college. Or taking tests for professional certifications. Or anything related to school at all.
I come from a family of teachers. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings and my mom - all have taught and served the children. And I believe that the children are our future.
Unlike Tyler Tarver, I would make a horrible teacher. I have no patience, and even less knowledge.
So I thought it would be fun to give a test here on the blog to my many fine reader, singular. No cheating, Mom.
1. When I plug a brand new KVM switch in and the video works, but not the keyboard and mouse, I:
a. control the screen w/ my mind.
b. find an old joystick to see if that'll work.
c. ask a geek.
d. cry.
2. The square toot of 81 is 9, but Martha is 4 years younger than her oldest child on her paternal mother's side and the train hasn't left yet. What is the lowest common denominator?
a. False.
b. Not false.
c. Calculator!
3. If all was Quiet on the Western Front, why did Johnny need a gun? Please explain.
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
a. Wrong.
Would you make a good teacher?
.
I come from a family of teachers. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings and my mom - all have taught and served the children. And I believe that the children are our future.
Unlike Tyler Tarver, I would make a horrible teacher. I have no patience, and even less knowledge.
So I thought it would be fun to give a test here on the blog to my many fine reader, singular. No cheating, Mom.
1. When I plug a brand new KVM switch in and the video works, but not the keyboard and mouse, I:
a. control the screen w/ my mind.
b. find an old joystick to see if that'll work.
c. ask a geek.
d. cry.
2. The square toot of 81 is 9, but Martha is 4 years younger than her oldest child on her paternal mother's side and the train hasn't left yet. What is the lowest common denominator?
a. False.
b. Not false.
c. Calculator!
3. If all was Quiet on the Western Front, why did Johnny need a gun? Please explain.
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
a. Wrong.
Would you make a good teacher?
.
10 Things You Wish Your Computer Would Do
1. Teleport you places.
2. Make you breakfast.
3. Handle sales calls for you.
4. Wirelessly connect to your TV...painlessly...without additional hardware.
5. Upgrade itself.
6. Make iTunes work whether it wants to or not.
7. Do what you want it to do, not what you tell it to do.
8. Talk to you. Not in robotic voice, but in a sexy futuristic voice.
9. Manage your investments. Nobody knows what the market is going to do...except the machines.
10. Interrupt you during Netflix movies for important reasons, not Windows Updates. "Excuse me, but there's an armed New York Yankee breaking down the back door."
What else do you wish your computer would do?
.
2. Make you breakfast.
3. Handle sales calls for you.
4. Wirelessly connect to your TV...painlessly...without additional hardware.
5. Upgrade itself.
6. Make iTunes work whether it wants to or not.
7. Do what you want it to do, not what you tell it to do.
8. Talk to you. Not in robotic voice, but in a sexy futuristic voice.
9. Manage your investments. Nobody knows what the market is going to do...except the machines.
10. Interrupt you during Netflix movies for important reasons, not Windows Updates. "Excuse me, but there's an armed New York Yankee breaking down the back door."
What else do you wish your computer would do?
.
Filtering the OOPS!
Sometimes I forget to filter what I'm thinking before it shoots out my mouth or off my fingers.
One of the bosses emailed me the other day with a simple question.
The Boss: Why does my laptop stop in the middle of my typing and then catch up 10 or 20 characters later?
I couldn't help myself. I only started hearing the warning sirens when I had clicked 'Send'.
Here was my reply:
Me: Because I'm downloading all your financial and personal information in the background. Hold still, it'll go faster and be over quicker. Thanks.
Some bosses have a better sense of humor then others...
What 'OOPS!' moments have you had with your boss?
One of the bosses emailed me the other day with a simple question.
The Boss: Why does my laptop stop in the middle of my typing and then catch up 10 or 20 characters later?
I couldn't help myself. I only started hearing the warning sirens when I had clicked 'Send'.
Here was my reply:
Me: Because I'm downloading all your financial and personal information in the background. Hold still, it'll go faster and be over quicker. Thanks.
Some bosses have a better sense of humor then others...
What 'OOPS!' moments have you had with your boss?
Updates, Odd and Ends, Part II
I used 'II' instead of '2' since it feels more official, and trust me, this post is all kinds of official.
I'm traveling for work this week and next. That means my roommate and I can work on exceeding our personal goals of amount of pizza consumed in a two-week period. We had Chicago style last night, and we're going for thin crust fancy stuff tonight.
We were going to go to a World War I museum tomorrow to do our part as responsible Americans to learn about our history and stimulate the economy. Guess we can't do that now because the politicians are shutting down the government. Did you notice how if a shutdown occurs, the honorable folks in the military who put their lives on the line every day in our defense won't get paid, but the politicians who yap endlessly and do nothing productive will continue to get paid as though they're worth something? I wish we could just shut them down and leave the working folks alone. Vote 'em all out next time - both parties. Forget term limits; I'm now for a 'no incumbents' rule.
One time, at band camp, I never went to band camp.
Peace and pancakes.
What would you do to make the politicians fix their mess before a shutdown occurs at midnight?
.
I'm traveling for work this week and next. That means my roommate and I can work on exceeding our personal goals of amount of pizza consumed in a two-week period. We had Chicago style last night, and we're going for thin crust fancy stuff tonight.
We were going to go to a World War I museum tomorrow to do our part as responsible Americans to learn about our history and stimulate the economy. Guess we can't do that now because the politicians are shutting down the government. Did you notice how if a shutdown occurs, the honorable folks in the military who put their lives on the line every day in our defense won't get paid, but the politicians who yap endlessly and do nothing productive will continue to get paid as though they're worth something? I wish we could just shut them down and leave the working folks alone. Vote 'em all out next time - both parties. Forget term limits; I'm now for a 'no incumbents' rule.
One time, at band camp, I never went to band camp.
Peace and pancakes.
What would you do to make the politicians fix their mess before a shutdown occurs at midnight?
.
Updates, Odd and Ends
This post may sound a bit different than what you're used to.
You see, I'm out of town right now. I'm in Kansas, once again. So imagine my normal tone, but with a slight drawl and a bit of barbecue sauce.
Also, I'll be posting later in the day than usual because I don't have Internet access until after work, instead of before. So imagine it's just a time zone difference and we'll all be cool like cucumbers.
We went to a Bass Pro shop after work today. It's like the outdoorsman's Mecca. Reminiscent of Cabela's, but with its own fishing pond and restaurant. It was like a Mountain Man Mall, which I just made up and feel quite proud of myself for doing so.
I'm in a fight for my life. Tyler Tarver is hosting a tournament to decide The Worst Movie Ever, and I've made it to the Elite 8. My movie is The Stupids. I'm tied with the movie Knowing, for some unknown reason. Clearly The Stupids is a much worse movie*. Please go to Tyler's site and vote for The Stupids. This week, we were asked to write a defense of our opponents, so please don't be confused by what I wrote. You want to vote for The Stupids. I'm going to use this sentence as another excuse to use the phrase "vote for The Stupids".
In conclusion, I think children are the future and we should really work to preserve the baby wails.
* The Stupids is one of my top five favorite movies of all time. But that doesn't mean it's not an awful movie!
.
You see, I'm out of town right now. I'm in Kansas, once again. So imagine my normal tone, but with a slight drawl and a bit of barbecue sauce.
Also, I'll be posting later in the day than usual because I don't have Internet access until after work, instead of before. So imagine it's just a time zone difference and we'll all be cool like cucumbers.
We went to a Bass Pro shop after work today. It's like the outdoorsman's Mecca. Reminiscent of Cabela's, but with its own fishing pond and restaurant. It was like a Mountain Man Mall, which I just made up and feel quite proud of myself for doing so.
I'm in a fight for my life. Tyler Tarver is hosting a tournament to decide The Worst Movie Ever, and I've made it to the Elite 8. My movie is The Stupids. I'm tied with the movie Knowing, for some unknown reason. Clearly The Stupids is a much worse movie*. Please go to Tyler's site and vote for The Stupids. This week, we were asked to write a defense of our opponents, so please don't be confused by what I wrote. You want to vote for The Stupids. I'm going to use this sentence as another excuse to use the phrase "vote for The Stupids".
In conclusion, I think children are the future and we should really work to preserve the baby wails.
* The Stupids is one of my top five favorite movies of all time. But that doesn't mean it's not an awful movie!
.
The Most Important Childrearing Tip a Dad Should Ever Know
Today's treat is a guest post from Scott Moore, who blogs at The Moore You Know. Scott has written here before, and, if I have any say in the matter, will write here again. If you haven't been down the delightful rabbit hole that is Scott's brain, you should follow him on Twitter, read his blog and stalk him in person.
--
When Ricky told me that he and his wife were expecting, I couldn’t have been more excited for him. He is getting a progeny to mold, groom, and instruct in the ways of the Lord. But mostly because he is a blogger and kids provide never ending material. When you’re falling under the spell of blogging’s version of the Swamps of Sadness, they are like little luckdragons who show up and save the day*.
For example, we had an incident when my daughter Ada was about 16mo that involved me rolling around the floor in sheer agony and her peeing diaperless in the living room. I try to be the eternal optimist in all situations. For example I think Charlie Sheen is going to get everything worked out and we will get a hilarious 9th season of Two and a Half Men** but the only good thing about our situation was Ada peed on the hearth rather than the carpet. Plus, I guess I learned the most important tip a dad should ever know that I am sharing it with you today.
The back story:
The evening started out seemingly normal. My wife was gone for the night and it was just Ada and me. We had already eaten dinner, finished the bath, and were getting a little playtime in before bed. When it was time to take Ada upstairs, I was going give her a nice fresh diaper but for some reason at that age she’d rather sit around in the product of her excretory system rather than her diaper be changed. So naturally, she put up a fight.
I eventually got her to lie down, took the old diaper off, and went to grab a new one. The problem was it was sitting about two feet out of reach behind me. I stretched to grab it and with my head turned, Ada saw her chance to make a getaway. Whether it was intentional or not, I’ll never know but in her haste to run for it she dropkicked me right in the bathing suit area. Instant pain shot through me rendering me helpless. I haven’t taken a shot like that since the time I was 6yrs old and forgot the breaks on my new bike were on the handlebars rather than pedaling in reverse. I hit a storage shed going full speed.
After the wave of nausea went away, I was able to muster up enough energy to roll over to see what she was doing. She was standing on the fireplace with a guile grin on her face, naked as the day she born, and showing no remorse for the events that had just taken place. I knew I had to get a diaper on her as quickly as possible but I couldn’t pick myself up. I remember lying there and thinking, “Well, if anything does happen at least it won’t happen on the carpet.” Then, as if my thoughts had somehow telepathically triggered it, I saw the stream, the floodgates had opened. Ada didn’t even acknowledge it. She stood there motionless, feet shoulder width apart, staring at me rolling around on the floor. Probably laughing on the inside.
As the puddle grew larger and larger, I knew I had to act quickly. I was able to stagger over and pick her up before she started skipping rocks in the pond she had just created. This time she let me put the diaper on her with no issues. I think she may have felt bad for what she had done. I picked her up, snapped her onsie, and limped my way upstairs to put her to bed.
The tip:
I came back downstairs and fell onto the couch to let the pain subside and to gather my thoughts. I learned a life lesson the hard way that night so now you don’t have to. I put together a checklist that, if followed religiously, should keep from appearing on America’s Funniest Home Videos:
1. Always have a spare diaper on you – Tuck one in your back pocket, sport one as a necklace, or if you are hardcore like me, wear a shoulder holster. A holster with a diaper in it instead of a gun isn’t as threatening, but neither is talking in falsetto.
2. Plan for a change of clothes – If there is a change of clothes involved, lay them out on the floor just like your mom used to do for you in kindergarten right beside the spot the diaper change will be taking place. Just make sure you never have to reach for anything during a diaper change again.
3. Practice the teachings of Ross Geller – Unagi is a state of total awareness. Only by achieving true Unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you.
I caution you dads, heed my advice and heed it well. Unless you wear a jock strap 24/7, which probably isn’t a bad idea either. The simple steps listed above will save you from insufferable pain and allow you to maintain your ability to reproduce more children which really only generates more likelihood of getting leg dropped in the crotch. Such is the tradeoffs of fatherhood. But it’s worth it.
*If you got The Never Ending Story reference we should be friends.***
**Note: I’m a sarcastic optimist.
***Ricky, you should totally name your baby, Falkor.
When Ricky told me that he and his wife were expecting, I couldn’t have been more excited for him. He is getting a progeny to mold, groom, and instruct in the ways of the Lord. But mostly because he is a blogger and kids provide never ending material. When you’re falling under the spell of blogging’s version of the Swamps of Sadness, they are like little luckdragons who show up and save the day*.
For example, we had an incident when my daughter Ada was about 16mo that involved me rolling around the floor in sheer agony and her peeing diaperless in the living room. I try to be the eternal optimist in all situations. For example I think Charlie Sheen is going to get everything worked out and we will get a hilarious 9th season of Two and a Half Men** but the only good thing about our situation was Ada peed on the hearth rather than the carpet. Plus, I guess I learned the most important tip a dad should ever know that I am sharing it with you today.
The back story:
The evening started out seemingly normal. My wife was gone for the night and it was just Ada and me. We had already eaten dinner, finished the bath, and were getting a little playtime in before bed. When it was time to take Ada upstairs, I was going give her a nice fresh diaper but for some reason at that age she’d rather sit around in the product of her excretory system rather than her diaper be changed. So naturally, she put up a fight.
I eventually got her to lie down, took the old diaper off, and went to grab a new one. The problem was it was sitting about two feet out of reach behind me. I stretched to grab it and with my head turned, Ada saw her chance to make a getaway. Whether it was intentional or not, I’ll never know but in her haste to run for it she dropkicked me right in the bathing suit area. Instant pain shot through me rendering me helpless. I haven’t taken a shot like that since the time I was 6yrs old and forgot the breaks on my new bike were on the handlebars rather than pedaling in reverse. I hit a storage shed going full speed.
After the wave of nausea went away, I was able to muster up enough energy to roll over to see what she was doing. She was standing on the fireplace with a guile grin on her face, naked as the day she born, and showing no remorse for the events that had just taken place. I knew I had to get a diaper on her as quickly as possible but I couldn’t pick myself up. I remember lying there and thinking, “Well, if anything does happen at least it won’t happen on the carpet.” Then, as if my thoughts had somehow telepathically triggered it, I saw the stream, the floodgates had opened. Ada didn’t even acknowledge it. She stood there motionless, feet shoulder width apart, staring at me rolling around on the floor. Probably laughing on the inside.
As the puddle grew larger and larger, I knew I had to act quickly. I was able to stagger over and pick her up before she started skipping rocks in the pond she had just created. This time she let me put the diaper on her with no issues. I think she may have felt bad for what she had done. I picked her up, snapped her onsie, and limped my way upstairs to put her to bed.
The tip:
I came back downstairs and fell onto the couch to let the pain subside and to gather my thoughts. I learned a life lesson the hard way that night so now you don’t have to. I put together a checklist that, if followed religiously, should keep from appearing on America’s Funniest Home Videos:
1. Always have a spare diaper on you – Tuck one in your back pocket, sport one as a necklace, or if you are hardcore like me, wear a shoulder holster. A holster with a diaper in it instead of a gun isn’t as threatening, but neither is talking in falsetto.
2. Plan for a change of clothes – If there is a change of clothes involved, lay them out on the floor just like your mom used to do for you in kindergarten right beside the spot the diaper change will be taking place. Just make sure you never have to reach for anything during a diaper change again.
3. Practice the teachings of Ross Geller – Unagi is a state of total awareness. Only by achieving true Unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you.
I caution you dads, heed my advice and heed it well. Unless you wear a jock strap 24/7, which probably isn’t a bad idea either. The simple steps listed above will save you from insufferable pain and allow you to maintain your ability to reproduce more children which really only generates more likelihood of getting leg dropped in the crotch. Such is the tradeoffs of fatherhood. But it’s worth it.
*If you got The Never Ending Story reference we should be friends.***
**Note: I’m a sarcastic optimist.
***Ricky, you should totally name your baby, Falkor.
.
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