Payday candy bars - Diet or no diet, I'm going for it! I could be on my deathbed, with a doctor standing right next to me. He could say to me, "Mr. Anderson, if you eat another Payday candy bar, you will die a horrible, painful death." I would nod my head solemnly and reply, "Where do you want me to throw this wrapper?" I am defenseless in all things Payday.
Full disk encryption - Why just make one file inaccessible, when you can ruin the whole drive?
Airplanes - Magic, pure magic. They keep the magic in that black box.
Hand Sanitizer - Do the people who bottle hand sanitizer wear gloves?
Screwdrivers - Why aren't they all magnetic tipped? Can we go ahead and make that a standard feature?
Hawaii - Does it ever feel lonely out there in the middle of the ocean?
Professional certifications - I finally got one, and it's turning out to be like I expected - nobody cares.
Network wiring diagrams - Lots of work, very little payoff. Don't wanna do it...where's a junior staffer? Aha - You there! Come here for a minute. Bwahahaha! What? No, I always laugh like that.
The Muppets - I'm sure they're quite a trip if you're high.
Paper clips - I've had the same box since I started working here 7 years ago. It might disintegrate before I run out of clips. I hide my change for the vending machine in it.
Bowling - Did you know it's a contact sport? I didn't either, until last time I went and tackled myself crossing that slippery line. I got airborne as I continued down the lane. There's no dignity left after that, trust me. Not after falling that hard on your arse!
HP tech support - I've actually gotten a real, live human being to talk with me. I have this person's direct line. I hope my wife doesn't mind, because I'm about to start stalking this lady. She is the last helpful person at HP, and I'm not letting go for anything!
Kleenex - The tissues in my Kleenex box here at work have changed colors halfway through the box. Did they start packing it on White Day and finish it on Yellow Day?
Diet Dr. Pepper - An open can stays carbonated for days...when you forget about it and leave it on your desk at work behind your laptop.
Seriously, it's like a pinball machine in here.
I tried explaining to my wife what I call the Hand Sanitizer Fallacy a while back - you pick up the bottle with dirty/unsanitized hands. You sanitize. Then with your freshly sanitized hands you put the bottle away that was last touched by your unclean hands. Thus making the sanitization process you just labored through virtually pointless.
Granted, you could avoid this situation by squirting the sanitizing fluid into one hand, then put the bottle away with the other, then sanitize. But based on intensive research, 100% of the subjects I have observed do not do it this way.
Also, my wife does not like it when I call her a subject.
No, no, no. The extra sanitizer on your hands cleans the bottle as you put it back. It's all good.
But the bathroom faucet handles at restaurants is another matter.
I never thought about these things before I got married.
Yeah, lots of things change when you get married.
Like my underwear. I change that a lot more frequently now. Pretty much daily, if I let her have her way.
How long have you been married?
I also learned not to eat birthday cake that had its candles blown out. Who knows what germs were propelled onto the frosting?
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