Hollywood Is Calling

Occasionally, I'll get the rare opportunity of an acting gig.

At work.

Since I work for an accounting firm, the most common role I'm cast in is that of an accountant.

When The Boss wants to pad his kids' college fund, I get the part.

For instance, I periodically review the work of actual accountants. I am not, nor have I ever been, an accountant. However, I have been with the firm for many years. This, in and of itself, means I am qualified to review junior staff's work. It makes no difference that they have been trained in accounting and I have not. This role calls for confidence, and confidence I must deliver.

It usually goes something like this:

Junior Accountant: Here's my work, on time as requested, Sir.

Me: Um, looks good. Lotsa numbers 'n stuff.

Junior Accountant: Thank you, Sir.

Me: *Frowning at the totals section of the 1500-row spreadsheet*  Oh, there is one thing. This part here looks wrong. I want you to fix that.

*One week time lapse*

Junior Accountant: Sir, I spent all last week reviewing my work.

Me: And?

Junior Accountant: Uh, well, Sir...it's actually correct. You see, these numbers add up. If you take the bi-monthly rate times the...

Me: You're right, looks good! I was just making sure you were paying attention. Keep up the good work!

Play the part well, and The Boss is satisfied. I am now free to return to the No Man's Land of IT.

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National Kazoo Day 2011

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How to Get Cold Call Sales People off the Phone

I hate sales calls.

Somehow, a few of them manage to get through the receptionists.  It's always some company twelve states away that wants to provide "local, cost-effective solutions for my IT needs".  They're offering products I won't use and services I don't need.

When I ask to be removed from one list, they gladly comply...right after moving me to another company's list.

Once, after 100 calls in two months from a company named Insight Direct, I simply picked up the phone, yelled and hung up.  Apparently that was the secret code to get off their cold-call list!

Lately, I've been thinking of more proactive and creative ways to achieve the same result.  Without further ado, here are:

7 Ways to Get Cold Call Sales Folks to Leave You the Heck Alone

• Say, "I have to go.  I'm being eaten by goblins."
• Say, "I've really got to cut this short - I'm next in line to jump in the wood chipper."
• Suddenly forget English.  "Que?"
• Put the sales person on hold while I transfer them back and forth between me and my alter ego, Crazy Jim.
• Offer them my company's services.  Tit for tat!
• Give one sales person's contact information to another sales person.
• Ask for more information.  "Compooters?  What's that?  They do what now?  Wait, you're going too fast - start at the beginning."

Do you hate cold sales calls?

What tactics do you use?

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My Wife the Cat

My wife is like a cat.

I've been noticing more of her feline tendencies lately.

She can see in the dark.  It's amazing.  We'll get home after sunset with arms full of groceries (milk, tuna, etc.).  There won't be any lights on, and she can walk down the hall, through the dining room and into the kitchen without missing a step or bumping a wall.  I can't make it through the door without falling on my face.

If I'm writing, she'll wander in to the office and sit in my lap...like a cat.  "Would you rub my back?"  Just like a cat.

Or when we're watching a movie, for instance.  She'll cozy down in a blanket, or three...like a cat.

The other night she got home from work late in the evening and immediately started cleaning.

You know who else cleans compulsively?

Cats.

Cats, while compulsive cleaners, shed hair at an alarming rate.  My wife has lost so much hair in our bathroom we could start our own clothing line.  Or make toupees for my dad.

I may be wrong, of course.  I could be reading too much into this.  My wife hasn't thrown up in my shoes or clawed the curtains in quite some time.

But she did just ask me for a foot rub.


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Open Letters, Part 1

Dear Mr. Conservative,

Why do you have to be so difficult?

Why do you need to argue with every point of contention made from those on the 'other side of the fence'?  Have you ever stopped to wonder if they might be right this time?

Why do you mindlessly swallow every point of contention made from those already on your own side?  Have you ever stopped to wonder if they might be wrong this time?

Have you stopped to ponder what it is you're swallowing and in turn force-feeding to others?

For instance, if you're so conservative, why are you against the environment?  What has the environment ever done to you?  Why has every conservative I've ever spoken with on the subject felt the need to argue against the existence of global warming?  Why do conservatives want more oil drilling and less focus on renewable energies?

Why can't you just be, well, conservative - and therefore work to protect the environment, regardless of whether global warming exists or not or who is responsible for it?  Seriously, who cares?

Imagine what would happen in our country if we actually listened to each other.  You don't trust liberals because they're against everything you want, and vice versa.  What if you backed down and handed the next liberal you debate with, your fellow citizen, an olive branch?

Would that help you get one in return?

And if it did, would we be as divided as we are now?

Whatever happened to the United States of America?

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Cleanliness is Next to Impossible

Today's treat is a guest post from Some Guy.  He blogs at Some Blog Site.  You should read it Some Time, he's funny.  Enjoy!


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Did you know you don't have to refrigerate ketchup?  That's one of the things I learned early in my marriage.

And you don't have to clean the microwave either.  Nothing can survive in that environment - the radiation kills anything and everything.

And I don't clean up spilled macaroni and cheese right away.  With 3 young boys, we go through a lot of mac and cheese at our house.  There will always be some that winds up on the floor.  Have you ever tried to sweep fresh macaroni and cheese?  It doesn't sweep - it smears.  That creates more of a mess.  But let it dry for about two days and it sweeps up with no problems.  So I don't clean the dining room floor until two days after a major spill.  It just works better that way.

And there's no reason to make your bed.  Really, why do we have to make our beds?

As the old saying goes: "You make your bed - you have to lie in it."  But it's more work to lie in a bed that's made.  It is twice as cumbersome to unmake a bed, make a bed, unmake it, and make it again.

I sometimes don't explain things well and do better by drawing it.  I will attempt to do that here.



Figure A: The Standard Making of Beds

This has four cases - close, open, close, open.

Figure B: The Efficient Making of Beds

This has only two cases - close, open.

There are other situations where the extra steps make sense: if I don't close the front door when I leave the house, the mosquitoes can get in.  And if I don't close the car door when I get out, the interior lights drain the battery (and mosquitoes can get in).  Fridge door - food gets warm.  etc. etc.

But what's going to happen to my bed if I leave the covers open?  The only reason I can think why to make your bed is for it to look better in case someone sees it.  But we don't normally have people over to look at our bed, so it's not normally an issue.  We do make our bed when we are expecting people over, just in case they get lost and accidentally wander into our bedroom.

And that, my friends, is why you should clean the microwave occasionally - just for looks, in case someone else happens to see it.

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Afghanistan Quarantines Its Only Pig Out of Fear of the Flu

Well I would, too.

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