Updates, Odd and Ends, Part IIIa, Which Is Unrelated to Part III, Because I Don't Remember What I Wrote Then

• Jana says I'm weird about my socks. They have to be pulled up as tight as possible. Can't stand loose socks.
• Can't wait for this here baby to come! I will have a completely blank slate upon which to paint someone's view of the world. Oh, the therapy sessions this kiddo will have.
• I had sweet tea for the first time today. It was a tragic accident due to mislabeling. Blech! I don't know how you Southerners can stomach that stuff.
• In Canada, they pour it on pancakes.
• I hadn't realized what a double time-saver not keeping up with the news can be. Not only do I not waste time on all the dire gloom-and-doom, but it stops coworkers cold when they wander over to my desk and ask what I think of the latest horrible situation unfolding out there.
• Knox McCoy and Tyler Tarver each have new books. There's new content in each, so if you read their blogs, don't worry about it just being a printed version of the posts. Check 'em out (the books, not Knox and Tyler. They're not that pretty.).
• That was a weird set of parentheses and periods to juggle there. Probably bunged it up.
• Get a Kindle version out there pronto, Tyler!
• This is the last bullet point, because the typing box is full and I hate scrolling.
• This one doesn't count.

What's the square root of 42, and what does it tell us about the assassination of Abraham Lincoln?

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Questions

How did you find this blog?

What do you like about it?

What don't you like?

What is your favorite post?

Thanks!

Sock Her!

I don't understand soccer.

Yes, I get that the objective is to score more goals than the other team.

What I don't get is that soccer fans are never happier than when nothing is happening. If the score is 0 to 0, it's like Christmas for a soccer fan.

I admit much of my confusion regarding soccer is simply willful ignorance. I never played soccer as a child, and I've never watched a complete soccer game in my life.

In elementary school, there would be 100 kids kicking soccer balls around before school started. Invariably, it ended with me standing in the goal and blocking dodging 10 soccer balls zooming at my head at once. So I may be a bit biased.

Another thing that confuses me about soccer are the coaches. They dress in an athletic suit, as though they might have to go and spell the goalie for a bit. Has this ever happened?

Several of my friends at work are soccer fans. We get in spirited debates about which is more boring - soccer or baseball. When you're debating the virtues of boring with an accountant, you realize you have failed in life.

Although I stick by my claim that soccer is the second most boring sport. Soccer games are around 12 hours long. The only sport more boring is golf, although whether or not it's a true sport is definitely up for debate.

What sports do/don't you like?

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How To Be a Supermodel

I think most kids grow up to work dead-end jobs simply because they didn't know how to get to their dream ones.

So this one's for the little girls. Every little girl has dreamed at one point in their lives of being a supermodel.

Fame, fortune, stalkers. What's not to like?

Things You Can Do Now To Prepare For Your Future As A Supermodel

• Be tall. Supermodels need to be able to look down on everyone else. Before you go to sleep at night, concentrate for thirty minutes on making your bones grow. Stretch with your mind. You can do it!
• Go to the gym. You need to be in great shape to be a supermodel. But remember - we're going for tone here, not muscle. If you think your neck is disappearing, put down the dumbbells.
• Actually you're going to put down everyone, but we'll get to that.
• Smirk, don't smile. You're not going to be happy being a supermodel. You're going to be annoyed. Remember that you're above it all, and you're just doing it for the money. If you smirk well, the people looking at your smirk will feel compelled to hand you their cash.
• Eat well. And by eat well, I mean don't eat stuff that's bad for you, like food. Food makes you fat. Except celery.
• This should be your motto: No food except celery so I can accept a salary.
• You're welcome.
• Rely on your looks. You don't need to pay attention in school. You can have the nerds do your homework for you. You should start expecting everything in life to be handed to you on a silver platter.
• This will come in handy during the Miss America pageant you're going to win. Nobody wants a smart supermodel.
• Gold platters are gaudy.

What tips do you have for the kids?

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Movies I Wish They'd Remake

Hollywood is running out of creativity. They don't know what to do, so they endlessly remake movies that sold well previously.

If they're going to remake movies, I'd rather they remake the ones that need to be remade because they're so dated, not just the ones that did well.

Here's a few movies I wish they'd remake:

• Arsenic and Old Lace
• The Good, The Bad and the Ugly
• Sergeant York
• Who's Minding the Mint?
• To Hell and Back
• Safe at Home!
• The Jackie Robinson Story

I'm sure there's a ton more. What movies do you wish they'd remake?

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The Great Browser Debate

Throughout the history of the Internet, folks have debated the virtues of their favorite browsers.

Internet Explorer, Netscape, Firefox, Opera, Safari, Chrome, etc. Everybody's got a favorite and thinks you should use it, too.

I've heard all the arguments before, save one: MSN Explorer.

Today my boss, a lady who is roughly my age, had an issue loading her email on her personal computer and asked for my help. I waltzed over and stumbled a bit as I saw it: MSN Explorer. There it was, in all its colorful ugliness.

"There's your problem. You need a browser."
"What? This IS a browser."
"Nobody uses that. Try IE."
"I don't like IE."
"Usually that sentence comes from rational people. Why do you insist on using MSN Explorer?"
"It has all these colorful buttons."
"Do you have 12 cats, 16 grandchildren and an AOL account?"
"No, of course not."
"Then get rid of this garbage."
"What should I use?"
"Anything. Literally any other browser in the entire world."

I tried to be open-minded, so I ran a Google search for reasons to use MSN Explorer. The first non-Microsoft link to come up was a page detailing how to remove it. This should tell us something.

So, what browser do you use? If you use MSN Explorer and enjoy it, please defend it here. I'm genuinely curious whether it has any value beyond pretty buttons and no options.

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Things I've Done Once

• I used to be a professional magician.
• I did exactly one show, but when you get paid for something, that makes you a professional, right?
• It was a kid's birthday party. The kids were bored during the show.
• When boogers and armpit farts are more interesting than your show, it's time to retire.
• Juggled in front of an actual audience.
• Wanna see me juggle three balls? Yay! Wanna see me do it again? Hello?
• Gotten married.
• She hasn't left yet!
• During my entire three month career as a loan officer, I closed one loan.
• It was for my in-laws, God bless 'em.
• Performed a song using a nose flute. It was a duet with my mom, who also used a nose flute.
• This is an actual instrument. Google it.
• International travel
• We went to Mexico once when I was five. I bought a guitar for 50 cents.

What's something you've done once?

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