The Customer Is Always Right

We were in a client meeting with a high-level executive, mapping out business processes and examining risk points and factors.

The executive raised the issue of ensuring data integrity and security for sensitive information that had to pass between departments in her organization.

Since the organization dealt with extremely sensitive information, none of their computers were connected to any outside networks.  Therefore, using a shared network file store or even simply sending an encrypted email between departments was not an option.

It was decided the information would be exchanged in person on encrypted CDs or DVDs.

The executive then started worrying about viruses.  "What if the department encrypting the disk has a virus on their system and passes it to the other department", she asked.

So we added a step to the process where the receiving department would decrypt the disk on a standalone workstation and then perform a full virus scan on the disk before copying the data onto their internal network.

We thought we had finally finished mapping out the process when she threw in another monkey wrench.

"What about the cell phone virus?"

"What cell phone virus?"

"I heard you can get a virus on your cell phone!"

"I suppose it's possible, especially if you have a smart phone that runs an entire OS, like Windows Mobile, but what are you getting at?"

"What if the person transferring the information gets a virus on their phone and it infects the disk they're carrying in their pocket?"

*Suppressed snickers of disbelief*

"It can't pass from the phone to the disk.  The disk is already burned, there's nothing connecting the two, the disk is encrypted, and it wouldn't be in the same format anyway."

"Of course it can spread!  That's what viruses do!"

After further discussion, it was decided we would err on the side of calm, well-reasoned logic:  We added a step to the process wherein the individual transporting the disk would carry his or her phone in a separate pocket.

The customer may not always be logical, but the customer IS always right!

As long as the checks clear.

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Computer Death Certificate

I frequently work on others' personal computers.  This means I am also frequently the bearer of bad news.  This never goes over well, and those I'm helping never have backups, either.  So, in an effort to soften the blow, here is what I sent a friend regarding the latest fatality.

Computer Death Certificate

Name:  John's IBM ThinkCentre

Date of Death:  1/28/2011

Cause of Death:  Unknown hard drive issues

Attempts Taken To Revive:  Hardware diagnostic tools, boot disks, Windows repair install, rain dance

Attending Doctor:  Dr. Pepper

Administrative Items for Surviving Family Members:  Would you like to claim the body already?  He's starting to smell!

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Eulogy:  Alas, poor ThinkCentre!  He served us well.

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Obituary:  John's IBM ThinkCentre was a hard-working Pentium 4.  He was loved by all, even the young and small.  While he will be missed, those in mourning should be reminded he was old and sick anyway.  In lieu of flowers, those wishing to pay their last respects may donate to the family's charity of choice, the Dude, We're Getting a Dell fund.

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How To Be a Better IT Guy

We often become frustrated with our users.  We argue with them.  We make fun of them.

But let's be honest - that's only one side of the story.

We can be just as bone-headed as any user.  I've had second helpings of humble pie while restoring a database some idiot, named me, deleted.

We can be less than helpful.  My mom's IT guy made her use an odd-ball workaround for years simply because he was too lazy to walk over to her printer and check it out himself.

We can suggest mindlessly stupid fixes for simple issues.  One of my users explained to our corporate helpdesk that clients had informed her she was not receiving their emails.  The suggested fix?  "If you are missing emails, have the client resend them."

We can be cranky.  The IT lady I replaced was scary.  She stomped out on me during my interview.  She would yell at superiors and peers alike.  She wouldn't come help you unless you promised something in return, like Starbucks...and she wasn't kidding.

We can be quirky.  IT folks aren't known for their people skills.  If you're reading this from your IT Commando Operations Headquarters, strategically located in your department's leaky basement, then you need to come up for air a bit more frequently.  Your users are nice and don't bite much, but you wouldn't really know, would you?  You should also go to the office Christmas party.  You may have been here for ten years, but to most folks you're still new since they've never met you.

What other things have you noticed IT folks failing at?

What will you do to be a better IT guy?

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Open Letters, Part 3

Dear Mr. Atheist,

Why do you care?

If you've got it all figured out, good for you.  If you've spent your life searching for truth, and the truth you've found is nothing, then why are you still searching?

Why are you upset at God if He doesn't exist?  Why are you incensed when someone else admits their own weakness and accepts the eternal help of someone greater than themselves?

Why do you need to convince everyone else you're right?  Do you enjoy the tiny infusion of smugness you feel in your small, calloused heart when you use science and logic you yourself do not completely understand to 'win' a debate with someone less 'enlightened' than yourself?

Why don't you just call it a day and hit the golf course?

I think you can't let it go because you're a liar.  You're lying to yourself when you proudly proclaim, "I've got it all figured out!"

I'm not suggesting you blindly accept the next brand of religion that's sold at your front door next Saturday.  I'm simply suggesting if the best your equation can come up with is null, than you should probably reevaluate the variables and assumptions you're working with.

At least agnostics are honest.

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Office Pranks

I like to educate my users.

One way I educate them is in the area of security.

For instance, everyone in my office now knows never to leave their computer unlocked.

While the computers may lock themselves after 15 minutes, my users have found that to be plenty of time for me to 'reconfigure' their workstation.

There's a fresh batch of newbies around now.  We love newbies.  They're so excited and naive.

They really aren't fair game, though.  They haven't learned yet.

The best ones to get are the old-timers.  Every now and then, you have to run get a print job or some other quick errand.  You'll only be gone a second.

I have a protege at work.  He helps with the computer duties when I'm out.  He's smart and a quick learner.

But some days he's not as quick as others.

I was working on the computer in the cube next to him the other day, and saw him get up and head for the door.  He tossed me a snarky one-liner, laughed, and continued out the door.

After 'reconfiguring' his workstation, I left him a note on his screen:

"You knew better."

I'm watching my back carefully.

I'd better print this out and proofread it before posting.

*Print*

I'll only be gone a second...

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Never Hurt a Vendor

Never, never, never.

I feel sorry for vendors.  They're so easy to take advantage of.  Let's take a look at a perfect example - my CDW rep.

He provides products, services and one-on-one attention.  He helps me do my job by getting me what I need when I need it.  He's nice, prompt, funny and occasionally answers the phone.  He's a pretty normal guy - a loving father of three who works from home on Fridays so he can see the kids he's trying to feed.

Why would you want to hurt this hard-working family man?

Because it's fun, that's why!

It starts off small, like asking for a price break or free shipping on larger orders.  If this works, then you know you have a patsy.  Patsies are the pushovers you need as part of your ordering process.

Patsies make talking on the phone worth the time and effort:

Me:  I'd like to order 10 laptops, please.

Vendor:  Sure thing, Mr. Anderson!  Anything else I can fall over myself to get for you?

Me:  Well, since I'm ordering in bulk, can you knock $50 off each one?

Vendor:  Ouch!  Sure thing!

Me:  *Confidence growing*  Oh, and would you throw in 6 flash drives and a couple dozen optical mice?

Vendor:  You drive a hard bargain!  Will that be all?

Me:  *Confidence enlargement complete*  Sure thing, Pat.  Do you have any swag?  I could do with a CDW hat and maybe a couple shirts.

Vendor:  Uhh...

Me:  I'll take the large - thanks!

Vendors are people, too.  Don't take advantage of them.  Be nice.

Remember, it shouldn't hurt to be a vendor.

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Open Letters, Part 2

Dear Mr. Liberal,

Why do you have to be so difficult?

Why do you need to argue with every point of contention made from those on the 'other side of the fence'?  Have you ever stopped to wonder if they might be right this time?

Why do you mindlessly swallow every point of contention made from those already on your own side?  Have you ever stopped to wonder if they might be wrong this time?

Have you stopped to ponder what it is you're swallowing and in turn force-feeding to others?

For instance, if you're so liberal, why are you for abortion?  You can call it freedom of choice, but that's a lie.  The choice is not free if it's only made by one of the parties involved.

As a liberal, you're a champion of human rights.  Where there is injustice, your heart bleeds.  And yet, in what could not possibly be a greater injustice, you stand on the side of the oppressor.

Why can't you just be, well, liberal - and therefore work to protect the rights of the unborn?  Seriously, you defend the lives of animals all the time.  Why not humans?

Imagine what would happen in our country if we actually listened to each other.  You don't trust conservatives because they're against everything you want, and vice versa.  What if you backed down and handed the next conservative you debate with, your fellow citizen, an olive branch?

Would that help you get one in return?

And if it did, would we be as divided as we are now?

Whatever happened to the United States of America?


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