Failed Opening Lines of the Speech I'm Giving on Sunday, Not That I'm Nervous or Anything Crazy Like That, Ok?

We're dedicating our son at church this weekend.

This means I have to give a speech in front of 2,000,000 people (I think that's how many people will be there - just an estimate).


Like most things in life, it's the getting started part that has me stalled.

Some failed opening lines of my yet-to-be-written speech:
  • It was a dark and stormy night
  • Call me Ishmael
  • Once upon a time
  • It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
  • Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury
  • Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

You can watch it live at 11:15AM MST this Sunday. NOT that you should...

What other failed opening lines can I cross off my list?