Passive-Aggressiveness For Fun and Profit

We have a neighborhood association, although we're not entirely sure what for.

They send out newsletters telling us how much they're going to be doing during the upcoming quarter. We get the same updates the next time around.

There's rules regarding parking in the street, keeping trash out of your yard, and curbing your weeds. If you were to print out all these rules, you'd have to change your profession to "Lumberjack" when you filed your taxes next time around.

None of these rules are enforced, which isn't really a huge issue as most people follow them of their own free will.

My next door neighbor, however, seems to think his side yard is just an uncovered garage. If you'd see it on the Beverly Hillbillies, you'll find it here.

This neighbor is a very nice man, and I'd hate to have any sort of disagreement between us. This is the only issue we've ever had with him. He seems to keep everything forever, just in case, although we were sad when he finally threw out his Christmas tree in late April. It had been the most festive item in his collection.

The latest addition to the side yard garage is a camper shell for a pickup truck. I would just handle this myself and put it on his truck, if he owned one.

However, I am a colossal wuss. I hate confrontation. My mind goes blank and I try to hide behind my wife whenever I'm in a jam. For instance, if you're my waiter and you spit in my food, my most likely course of action would be to apologize to you immediately and run away after leaving a big tip.

A great example of my wussitude was this weekend when my wife and I were running errands. I was waiting in the car, chatting with my brother on the phone. A lady opened her car door into mine, hitting it several times as she was loading her purchases into the back seat. While this was happening, another lady hit me on the other side as she got out of her car! I sat there and smiled at each of them. I didn't even get out of the car to check on the damage.

So what's a wuss to do with a collector of all things unsightly living right next door?

Help him clean up the collection, of course.

I'm thinking of putting it on Cragislist. I'll just post a picture of the camper shell and my neighbor's address. It'll be free to whoever picks it up in the middle of the night.

If this plan works, I'll start charging nominal fees for the other items.

I'll have our neighborhood cleaned up in no time flat!