I love conferences.
If you're a vendor and you have a conference, I'll attend. It doesn't really matter what the conference is about, as long as The Boss approves my request.
There is one catch: You'll have to pony up with some freebies.
I'll sit through your presentation, pretend to read your brochures and white papers, and schmooze with your sales team. In exchange, you'll load me up with free software, pens, shirts, light-up key chains and hopefully a hat. I'm a sucker for hats. It's a good system we have.
If all you've got at your stand is brochures and badge clips, we're going to have to cut it short. But if you have a whole grab bag full of goodies, we can talk all day. I definitely make time for grab bags.
Don't take this confession of my true motives personally. I do my best to be polite, and it's not like you're being honest either. We have conversations like this:
Vendor: ...and our cutting edge technology will help you leverage your throughput via comparative analysis of the blah-de-blah...
Me: That's incredible! We'll definitely keep you in mind for our ongoing project procurement plans. Would you happen to have a business card?
If we were both being honest, the conversation would go downhill rather quickly:
Vendor: I'm just gonna let you read the brochure. I'm tired of repeating the same old spiel over and over. I know you're not listening to me and you're only interested in the grab bag anyway.
Me: True. Mind if I grab two? I could lie and say it's for my co-worker, but the truth is I use your t-shirts for changing my oil, and I go through 'em pretty fast.
Vendor: Sure. The sooner I hand this junk out, the sooner I can go home.
Me: Wanna do me a favor? Help me create a diversion for the dude at the booth behind you. He's got hats.
If you know of any conferences coming to town, please let me know.
Showing posts with label weasels. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weasels. Show all posts
Passive-Aggressiveness For Fun and Profit
We have a neighborhood association, although we're not entirely sure what for.
They send out newsletters telling us how much they're going to be doing during the upcoming quarter. We get the same updates the next time around.
There's rules regarding parking in the street, keeping trash out of your yard, and curbing your weeds. If you were to print out all these rules, you'd have to change your profession to "Lumberjack" when you filed your taxes next time around.
None of these rules are enforced, which isn't really a huge issue as most people follow them of their own free will.
My next door neighbor, however, seems to think his side yard is just an uncovered garage. If you'd see it on the Beverly Hillbillies, you'll find it here.
This neighbor is a very nice man, and I'd hate to have any sort of disagreement between us. This is the only issue we've ever had with him. He seems to keep everything forever, just in case, although we were sad when he finally threw out his Christmas tree in late April. It had been the most festive item in his collection.
The latest addition to the side yard garage is a camper shell for a pickup truck. I would just handle this myself and put it on his truck, if he owned one.
However, I am a colossal wuss. I hate confrontation. My mind goes blank and I try to hide behind my wife whenever I'm in a jam. For instance, if you're my waiter and you spit in my food, my most likely course of action would be to apologize to you immediately and run away after leaving a big tip.
A great example of my wussitude was this weekend when my wife and I were running errands. I was waiting in the car, chatting with my brother on the phone. A lady opened her car door into mine, hitting it several times as she was loading her purchases into the back seat. While this was happening, another lady hit me on the other side as she got out of her car! I sat there and smiled at each of them. I didn't even get out of the car to check on the damage.
So what's a wuss to do with a collector of all things unsightly living right next door?
Help him clean up the collection, of course.
I'm thinking of putting it on Cragislist. I'll just post a picture of the camper shell and my neighbor's address. It'll be free to whoever picks it up in the middle of the night.
If this plan works, I'll start charging nominal fees for the other items.
I'll have our neighborhood cleaned up in no time flat!
They send out newsletters telling us how much they're going to be doing during the upcoming quarter. We get the same updates the next time around.
There's rules regarding parking in the street, keeping trash out of your yard, and curbing your weeds. If you were to print out all these rules, you'd have to change your profession to "Lumberjack" when you filed your taxes next time around.
None of these rules are enforced, which isn't really a huge issue as most people follow them of their own free will.
My next door neighbor, however, seems to think his side yard is just an uncovered garage. If you'd see it on the Beverly Hillbillies, you'll find it here.
This neighbor is a very nice man, and I'd hate to have any sort of disagreement between us. This is the only issue we've ever had with him. He seems to keep everything forever, just in case, although we were sad when he finally threw out his Christmas tree in late April. It had been the most festive item in his collection.
The latest addition to the side yard garage is a camper shell for a pickup truck. I would just handle this myself and put it on his truck, if he owned one.
However, I am a colossal wuss. I hate confrontation. My mind goes blank and I try to hide behind my wife whenever I'm in a jam. For instance, if you're my waiter and you spit in my food, my most likely course of action would be to apologize to you immediately and run away after leaving a big tip.
A great example of my wussitude was this weekend when my wife and I were running errands. I was waiting in the car, chatting with my brother on the phone. A lady opened her car door into mine, hitting it several times as she was loading her purchases into the back seat. While this was happening, another lady hit me on the other side as she got out of her car! I sat there and smiled at each of them. I didn't even get out of the car to check on the damage.
So what's a wuss to do with a collector of all things unsightly living right next door?
Help him clean up the collection, of course.
I'm thinking of putting it on Cragislist. I'll just post a picture of the camper shell and my neighbor's address. It'll be free to whoever picks it up in the middle of the night.
If this plan works, I'll start charging nominal fees for the other items.
I'll have our neighborhood cleaned up in no time flat!
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