Mrs. Wheeler - Guest Post for Renée Jacobson

Today, we're going on a field trip to a teacher's house.

Sound backwards?

That's because Renée Jacobson isn't just any teacher - she's a twit.

You can leave a comment on Renee's site, but you have to raise your hand first.

And now that I've resorted to name-calling with my gracious host, click on over to read about one of my favorite teachers, Mrs. Wheeler.


Who was your favorite teacher, and why?
No, Jamie. Nathan Fillian was NOT your first grade teacher. Liar!

Secret Squirrels and Solar Flares

• We just had an IT Department (me) meeting. We needed to prioritize the day's activities. Our decision? Eat the grapefruit.
• I now have a mini fridge in my office. I hide it under my desk since I don't know if it's allowed.
• It has grapefruit in it.
• I wish the horn in my car had two settings: A light and happy, "Please pay attention to the green light. Thanks!", and a hot and heavy, "Quit trying to run me over with your obnoxiously large truck!"
• My boss just came in and said, "Can you help me send the client a file in Secret Squirrel Mode?"
• "Do you mean encrypted?"
• "Yeah, that!"
• We got an IT questionnaire from a vendor. One of the questions was "Do you encrypt all laptops while at rest?"
• I resisted the urge to respond that our laptops are only encrypted when they are moving. That's how you scramble the data on the drive, right?
• I moved 8 employee's computers to different desks this morning. That will make 8 new helpdesk tickets when they come in. Users have a knack for not telling you about random small issues with their computers, and then blaming it on you whenever there's a change.
• Example: User: I'm locked out of my account. It must be because I switched desks.
• Me: And solar flares.

Tell me something funny and/or not funny. Happy Monday!

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Swiss Army Knives For Babies

I'm disappointed.

For the past few months, my son has been using a crib.

All that work for nothing.

He used to sleep in a Graco Pack 'n Play.

When you're about to have your first baby, you stalk the aisles of Babies "Backwards R" Us with uncontrolled glee. You see, you scan, you register. You are unstoppable. You have a laser gun.

What you don't do is stop and think. Is the item really worth a house payment? How long will my child use it? Can I get a used one on Craigslist (the item, not the baby (those are on eBay, not Craigslist))?

You see the Pack 'n Play. It's a playpen ("baby jail"). It's a bassinet. It's a changing table. It's portable and lightweight, yet sturdy enough to support a polar bear.

You get it home, full of multi-function expectations.

You can't find the instructions, but that doesn't matter since you never use them anyway. This thing is for babies; how hard could it be?

After unpacking all the parts and scattering them around the living room, you start to wonder if you've bit off more than you can chew. There weren't that many parts on the store display, that's for sure. Are you assembling a 747 or a playpen?

You dive in and start to make headway. The base structure is easy enough. Now for the attachments.

Oh, the attachments.

The electronic noise-making thingy plugs in here. The diaper changing flip-out jobber slides in there. Or maybe there. Oops, upside down...and on the opposite side. The bassinet cover clips in right here...and velcros over there...and snaps down here...now for a little glue...where are the staples?

4 hours and two migraines later, it's finished. You stand back with pride. Now to carry it into the bedroom.

As you pick it up, you feel something on the bottom.

The instructions, helpfully taped under the Pack 'n Play.

Helpful, because the darn thing won't fit through the door and now you have to take it apart and start over.

--

So now you've learned several things:

• Don't buy stuff for babies.
• Have an experienced parent over to put stuff together.
• Getting stuff ready for your kids can expand your vocabulary more than Rosetta Stone.
• Think twice before buying a Pack 'n Play / garage door opener / toaster / satellite dish.

What awesome things have you put together? What have you bought that was multi-functional overload?

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User Ping Pong

Sometimes the users get so focused on an issue they're having that they can't listen to the solution.


User: Something's up with my computer. I can't log in from home. Can you check it out?

Me: Sure.


*User calls again, 6 minutes later*

User: I still can't connect. Didn't you say you were going to fix it?

Me: I'm running some diagnostics on it, so you won't be able to connect for a bit.

User: Ok, I'm trying it now.

Me: No, it-

User: It won't connect.

Me: I know. That's what I'm saying. It's going to take a while before I can fix the issue, so you won't be able to connect for a bit.

User: *Click* Grr! It still won't connect!

Me: Would you like to try a Burrito Supreme?


When has something funny happened to you because someone wasn't listening to what you were saying?
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Photopalooza, Part II

When you call for help, and then fix it on your own before I get there, I don't mind.
When I get to your desk and find this, I really don't mind!

Funny.
Oh, and good luck logging in tomorrow...

This was so funny to me in the store, I couldn't stop laughing.
Now I can't remember what was so funny.

When Mom decorates the baby's room.

When Dad decorates the baby's room.

Pick a pic and top my caption!

Suing Santa

Grandma                                                         *          IN THE

            Plaintiff                                               *          CIRCUIT COURT

v.                                                                     *          FOR

Santa Clause                                                  *        CIVIL ACTION NO.: xxx-xxxxx

            Defendant                                          *          

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

COMPLAINT AND PRAYER FOR JURY TRIAL

Grandma, Plaintiff, by Screwem and Suem, LLC, her attorneys, sues the defendant, Santa Clause, and in support, states as follows:

1. Grandma, Plaintiff, is a resident of Arkansas.
2. Santa Clause, Defendant, is a resident of the North Pole.
3. The Defendant regularly visits and is engaged in business in Arkansas.
4. This action arises from a sled accident which occurred on December 24, 2011 at the intersection of 12th Street and Vixen Road. Both are public roads in Arkansas.
5. On December 24, 2011, the Plaintiff, Grandma, was carefully and prudently walking home on the sidewalk, when she was violently struck from behind by the Defendant's reindeer, named Rudolph.
6. At the same time, a sled pulled by reindeer and operated by Santa Clause, Defendant, was traveling, and ran over the Plaintiff, causing the Plaintiff to sustain serious personal injuries.
7. All of the Plaintiff's losses and injuries were, are and will be due solely to and by reason of the carelessness and negligence of the Defendant, Santa Clause, without any negligence or want of due care on the Plaintiff's part contributing thereto.

   WHEREFORE, this Plaintiff claims ONE BILLION DOLLARS ($1,000,000,000.00) in damages.
   Respectfully submitted,

   Screwem & Suem, LLC

   
   

   No wonder Santa goes by so many names and has an unlisted address...

   
   

   Nathan Fillian has resigned as Santa Clause.

Christmas Is Insulting

We've all heard the political correctness in our society refuse to label Christmas as "Christmas". We're supposed to call it the "Holidays" or other such nonsense. The thought is that we'll insult folks who don't celebrate Christmas.

The irony is that I've never met anyone who found the mention Christmas insulting. Two of my Jewish friends have specifically told me they don't mind hearing "Merry Christmas". Which makes sense to me since I don't mind hearing "Happy Hanukkah".

This got me to thinking about ways that Christmas could be truly insulting...

Insulting

"Merry Christmas! You look like a drunk elf."

Not Insulting

"Merry Christmas! Thanks for the egg nog."

Insulting

"Merry Christmas! If you don't believe what I believe, then you're probably an axe murderer who kicks puppies. Would you like to go to my church and get badgered some more?

Not Insulting

"Merry Christmas! Would you like to join us at our church tonight to find out what it's all about?

Insulting

Merry Christmas! Did your family all go on a vacation to an undisclosed location without you...again?

Not Insulting

Merry Christmas! I hope you get to enjoy seeing your wonderful family again this year.


Have you ever met someone who was genuinely insulted by the mention of Christmas?

Nathan Fillian is Santa.