I have no idea how to grill chicken. If you're having chicken at my place, you're a gambler.
My wife: Did you check the chicken?
Me: Yup!
Wife: And?
Me: It's still there.
Bananas don't make good weapons. They're too Dole.
There's no such thing as a free lunch. Unless someone gives you lunch for free.
When I'm in charge, we're not having the usual "Candy Dish By the Receptionist". We're having the "Beef Jerky and Doritos Bucket By Ricky".
Chicken noodle soup is how you punish sick people.
If you order a last minute lunchtime meeting, you should also be required to order a last minute lunchtime pizza.
At some point you say to yourself, "Self - today is not getting any better. So we shall have a cookie instead."
Do you like food too?
.
Faith Like a Child
I was prepping Evan for PaPa's funeral. I blabbered on and on about heaven and Jesus. I'd never had to explain death and resurrection to a two-year old.
Evan waited until I was all done and then simply said, "He's happy!"
Kids get it better than we do.
Faith like a child.
That's what PaPa had. His faith was simple. His Jesus was enough.
He demonstrated love through his actions.
He was patient. He was kind. He always protected, always trusted, always persevered.
He sat through my Little League games and took me to garage sales and pawn shops. He watched my silly magic tricks over and over, shocked each time. He wrote me letters riddled with typos and one-liners ("If you turn that pitching machine on its side, will it throw you curveballs?").
He exemplified how to love your spouse. Unconditionally, respectfully, tenaciously.
He was generous. He never charged a church or a desperate person unable to pay. They received the same effort from him as those that could.
This is how he lived. These are his beliefs. We are his legacy.
Evan waited until I was all done and then simply said, "He's happy!"
Kids get it better than we do.
Faith like a child.
That's what PaPa had. His faith was simple. His Jesus was enough.
He demonstrated love through his actions.
He was patient. He was kind. He always protected, always trusted, always persevered.
He sat through my Little League games and took me to garage sales and pawn shops. He watched my silly magic tricks over and over, shocked each time. He wrote me letters riddled with typos and one-liners ("If you turn that pitching machine on its side, will it throw you curveballs?").
He exemplified how to love your spouse. Unconditionally, respectfully, tenaciously.
He was generous. He never charged a church or a desperate person unable to pay. They received the same effort from him as those that could.
This is how he lived. These are his beliefs. We are his legacy.
Blither Blather Ducky Duck
If you pray for patience, God will make you take notes during a committee document review meeting.
Here are those notes...
Back-to-back meetings? Grumble, grumble...wait a minute - you brought pastries AND breakfast burritos?!? Talk to me, Boss, talk to me. You have earned my affection, er, attention.
Wow. That was a lot of meaningless words. I wonder if they'll notice if I substitute the Boss' for my own.
What I think was said: High-level mumbo-jumbo nomenclature file plan sponsor quarterly fish fry blither blather ducky duck.
What I'm going to write in the meeting minutes: Documented non-feasible customer supply chain obfuscation and compliance.
We are now in Hour Three of this Thirty Minute Meeting That Won't Take Long At All, Ricky Get Back In Here. It is currently being discussed that we have gotten off track and have not discussed what we should have been discussing at all. Don't you think all afternoon meetings should include Doritos?
so the meeting has been rescheduled for tomorrow.
Hope there's burritos!
Do you die a slow death in meetings?
.
Here are those notes...
Back-to-back meetings? Grumble, grumble...wait a minute - you brought pastries AND breakfast burritos?!? Talk to me, Boss, talk to me. You have earned my affection, er, attention.
Wow. That was a lot of meaningless words. I wonder if they'll notice if I substitute the Boss' for my own.
What I think was said: High-level mumbo-jumbo nomenclature file plan sponsor quarterly fish fry blither blather ducky duck.
What I'm going to write in the meeting minutes: Documented non-feasible customer supply chain obfuscation and compliance.
We are now in Hour Three of this Thirty Minute Meeting That Won't Take Long At All, Ricky Get Back In Here. It is currently being discussed that we have gotten off track and have not discussed what we should have been discussing at all. Don't you think all afternoon meetings should include Doritos?
so the meeting has been rescheduled for tomorrow.
Hope there's burritos!
Do you die a slow death in meetings?
.
Amazing NASA Batteries
The following is an email I sent to the manufacturer of our bathroom scale, which is on the fritz:
Greetings Dapper Sirs and Stunning Madams,
Greetings Dapper Sirs and Stunning Madams,
We have an EatSmart Precision GetFit scale. We bought it on Amazon around Christmas.
It's great. We love it. It works hard.
Too hard, in fact.
It won't turn off. Ever. It just shines day and night, broadcasting my failure for all to see.
Now to be fair, I have a two year old son. He's constantly pushing buttons on it, so it's entirely possible he reprogrammed it like that one time he turned our DVD player into a rogue NASA satellite.
I can turn it off by removing all the batteries, but then my son puts them in his mouth, which is frightening but also hilarious because he winces and then proudly says, "That's aMAZing!"
So, to recap - Do you have any ideas as to how I can make my scale behave like it did when it was shiny and new?
Thank you so much for your time.
Sincerely,
Ricky Anderson
How do you think they'll respond?
Edit: They sent us a new scale, with exactly zero hassle!
Edit: They sent us a new scale, with exactly zero hassle!
.
Potty Training and Vladimir Putin
Whenever I'm injured, no matter how slightly, I subconsciously limp a bit. Whether I stub my toe, have a headache or a sore throat, I find myself limping ever so slightly. That Oscar has my name on it, right?
We're 0-2 on potty training attempts (for Evan, not for us). He hates it with a fiery passion. Navy Seals have Hell Week. Toddlers have Potty Training. And if you're one of those superstar parents whose kiddo got it down in 15 minutes, I'll just sit here and assume you outsourced the potty training.
Oooh! Here's an idea: An advice column by Vladimir Putin about estate and probate matters. It would be called "Putin On Heirs".
I can't Gantt.
(My sincerest apologies if you got that one.)
Are you potty trained?
.
We're 0-2 on potty training attempts (for Evan, not for us). He hates it with a fiery passion. Navy Seals have Hell Week. Toddlers have Potty Training. And if you're one of those superstar parents whose kiddo got it down in 15 minutes, I'll just sit here and assume you outsourced the potty training.
Oooh! Here's an idea: An advice column by Vladimir Putin about estate and probate matters. It would be called "Putin On Heirs".
I can't Gantt.
(My sincerest apologies if you got that one.)
Are you potty trained?
.
Two Tickets, Please
Evan has a toy airport and airplane. He loves to simulate the entire traveling experience. He checks luggage, loads the plane, and flies the passengers to the next airport, which is really just landing on the other side of the first airport.
I made him a ticket / boarding pass the other day. I stamped it with our return address stamp in order to make it official.
I told him I'd be traveling for work soon.
He asked if he could come, too. I said no.
He asked if I would have a ticket to give the airplane man. I said yes.
He ran into the other room and came back holding his ticket.
"Evan has a ticket! Evan give ticket to airplane man and ride airplane with Daddy?"
I'll be needing an extra ticket, Boss.
My precious cargo won't be in the overhead bin, he'll be with me.
When were you surprised by a child's request?
.
I made him a ticket / boarding pass the other day. I stamped it with our return address stamp in order to make it official.
I told him I'd be traveling for work soon.
He asked if he could come, too. I said no.
He asked if I would have a ticket to give the airplane man. I said yes.
He ran into the other room and came back holding his ticket.
"Evan has a ticket! Evan give ticket to airplane man and ride airplane with Daddy?"
I'll be needing an extra ticket, Boss.
My precious cargo won't be in the overhead bin, he'll be with me.
When were you surprised by a child's request?
.
Shaken, Not Stirred
Some users are lucky you can't reach through the phone and shake them.
This is also a sign my phone is defective and will no longer be answered.
--
User: Would you please remote into my computer and fix this issue?
Me: That's not really an issue; it's working like it should.
User: But I don't like it doing that.
Me: I understand how that can be frustrating. Would you like me to remote in and show you another way to accomplish what you're trying to do?
User: That'd be great!
Me: Ok, I'm in. So if you look at this option over here -
*User grabs control back and opens their email*
Me: Um, if you look at this -
*User grabs the mouse and fires up Pandora*
Me: If you don't mind, I can just show you -
*User starts talking to a coworker*
*I simply change a setting that will let the user do what they want to, without waiting for the user to learn it since they obviously don't care*
Me: You're all set. You just need to reboot for the change to take effect.
User: Do you mean log off and back on?
Me: No, I meant reboot.
User: What, like now?
Me: Yes, please.
User: Ok, I'll call you back.
*10 minutes later*
User: Ok, I'm back. I just logged off and back on, though. I didn't reboot. Is that ok?
*Blink, blink*
Me: No, please reboot your computer and have a great day.
*Click*
What drives you crazy?
.
This is also a sign my phone is defective and will no longer be answered.
--
User: Would you please remote into my computer and fix this issue?
Me: That's not really an issue; it's working like it should.
User: But I don't like it doing that.
Me: I understand how that can be frustrating. Would you like me to remote in and show you another way to accomplish what you're trying to do?
User: That'd be great!
Me: Ok, I'm in. So if you look at this option over here -
*User grabs control back and opens their email*
Me: Um, if you look at this -
*User grabs the mouse and fires up Pandora*
Me: If you don't mind, I can just show you -
*User starts talking to a coworker*
*I simply change a setting that will let the user do what they want to, without waiting for the user to learn it since they obviously don't care*
Me: You're all set. You just need to reboot for the change to take effect.
User: Do you mean log off and back on?
Me: No, I meant reboot.
User: What, like now?
Me: Yes, please.
User: Ok, I'll call you back.
*10 minutes later*
User: Ok, I'm back. I just logged off and back on, though. I didn't reboot. Is that ok?
*Blink, blink*
Me: No, please reboot your computer and have a great day.
*Click*
What drives you crazy?
.
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