You may have noticed you don't always understand what your Network Administrator tells you.
You'll ask a question, and the response will be confusing and full of jargon. I've started a handy little reference to help you decipher what your resident geek is really saying.
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When your Network Administrator says: I've analyzed our disk space availability and through proactive deduplication efforts have reduced storage overhead by 20%.
He means: I finally deleted those old log files.
When your Network Administrator says: Reboot, and I'll be over to check out your problem in a minute.
He means: I'm hoping a reboot fixes that problem, because I have no idea and I really have to go to the bathroom.
When your Network Administrator says: The phone in the server room doesn't work, so just take a message for me if anyone calls.
He means: I unplugged the phone in the server room, which is where I'm heading because it's quieter in there.
When your Network Administrator says: I'll be working from home today.
He means: I got tired of wearing clothes.
When your Network Administrator says: That's a complex issue. Let me go back to my desk and review my documentation on that topic.
He means: I'm gonna go have a chat with my buddy Google.
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Know any more of your Network Administrator's secrets? Add to this cheat sheet in the comments!
Mr. Newman
My parents are out of town. You know what that means: I get to play with my very best friend, Mr. Newman.
As far as dogs go, I guess he's a good dog. He comes when he's called and doesn't eat the neighbors, although he did pee on my friend one time.
He's calming down in his old age. He's still neurotic, but slightly less so.
He's easily excited by everything - birds, people, plants, life - everything excites Mr. Newman.
I stop by my folks' house on my way to work. I open the gate to the backyard. I start the counting in my head.
1...
2...
I've never gotten to 3. I hear his collar jingling a moment before the first bark. I know what's going through his head as he rounds the corner of the house: "Oh boy! This is it! Someone is finally trespassing in MY YARD!"
This lasts only a split second as he recognizes me and diverts from Attack Mode into Jumping On Ricky Mode. "Oh boy! It's That Guy! The odd one the Nice People made! HE'S HEEERE!"
Then a switch goes off in Mr. Newman's head. If That Guy is here, and the Nice People haven't fed him yet (all day long - can you believe it? It's almost 7:30 in the morning), this might be his only chance. He starts to jump on me, yipping urgently. If he doesn't get help from me, then what will he do? Who will help him?
"Oh no! Today might be it! Today might be THE DAY I DON'T GET FED! I knew this day would come! Someone has kidnapped the Nice People, and I'M NOT GOING TO GET FED!"
I ignore him and walk the shed, where my dad keeps the dog grub. Newman jumps on me the whole way. I talk to him calmly, trying to reason with him.
"Down, Newman. Newman, get down. I'm getting you some food. Just relax, buddy. Get back. Down, Newman. Get down."
"Here! Over here! The Nice People keep the food over here! Quick!"
"Decaf, Newman, decaf."
As far as dogs go, I guess he's a good dog. He comes when he's called and doesn't eat the neighbors, although he did pee on my friend one time.
He's calming down in his old age. He's still neurotic, but slightly less so.
He's easily excited by everything - birds, people, plants, life - everything excites Mr. Newman.
I stop by my folks' house on my way to work. I open the gate to the backyard. I start the counting in my head.
1...
2...
I've never gotten to 3. I hear his collar jingling a moment before the first bark. I know what's going through his head as he rounds the corner of the house: "Oh boy! This is it! Someone is finally trespassing in MY YARD!"
This lasts only a split second as he recognizes me and diverts from Attack Mode into Jumping On Ricky Mode. "Oh boy! It's That Guy! The odd one the Nice People made! HE'S HEEERE!"
Then a switch goes off in Mr. Newman's head. If That Guy is here, and the Nice People haven't fed him yet (all day long - can you believe it? It's almost 7:30 in the morning), this might be his only chance. He starts to jump on me, yipping urgently. If he doesn't get help from me, then what will he do? Who will help him?
"Oh no! Today might be it! Today might be THE DAY I DON'T GET FED! I knew this day would come! Someone has kidnapped the Nice People, and I'M NOT GOING TO GET FED!"
I ignore him and walk the shed, where my dad keeps the dog grub. Newman jumps on me the whole way. I talk to him calmly, trying to reason with him.
"Down, Newman. Newman, get down. I'm getting you some food. Just relax, buddy. Get back. Down, Newman. Get down."
"Here! Over here! The Nice People keep the food over here! Quick!"
"Decaf, Newman, decaf."
Why Badgers Make Lousy Servers
Today's delicacy is a guest post from Christopher Adams, who blogs at Ramblings of a Christian Geek.
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I recently purchased some shrink wrap for my windows to help save on energy costs at home, which got me to thinking about what all I've done this year to save energy in the server rack at work.
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I recently purchased some shrink wrap for my windows to help save on energy costs at home, which got me to thinking about what all I've done this year to save energy in the server rack at work.
First off, we've all thought at one point or another that badgers would make a great cost-saving alternative to large servers dedicated to a single task. Badgers may not be great multitaskers, but when you put a single straightforward request in front of them we can all agree they will accomplish the task very efficiently and with a touch of class that can only be described as a koala in a deerstalker serving drinks at a dinner party. When putting a badger in your server rack, you are first tempted to put the battery backups at the bottom so the rack doesn't tip, but this is a rookie mistake. Badgers, despite how little you may feed or water them, will eventually need to relieve themselves and post-badger-processed water always flows down and ruins whatever electrical components it gets on. (and if you are one of those ferret lovers, don't try telling me ferret waste is any less harmful, there are too many whitepapers and newspaper liners that claim otherwise)
Another difficult decision is where to plug the Cat6 in. There are few receptacles large enough for an RJ-45 jack, and the badger won't be too happy with either being used for data transfer. (small hint: prune juice will provide better throughput)
As you can see, it is very problematic using a badger just to save a couple of bucks on the electric bill, and you are still limited to one task per badger (and nothing is worse than trying to run multiple badgers in the same rack!). So I've had to come up with an alternative. That's where virtualization comes in. Virtualization is like storing photos of badgers rather than actual badgers. When you look at them over the network, you can't tell the difference between a virtual machine and a real server being peed on by a badger. I use a $4,000 dual quad-core Xeon server with 48GB of RAM plugged into a $10,000 storage array with 16TB of usable RAID 6 that is currently running about 25 servers. If I had to buy 25 servers with a similar amount of storage, it would cost me over $100,000 to accomplish the same feat, and most servers would be running at 10% CPU most of the day, and would only serve overheat your badgers causing them to return jumbo frames all over your gear.
The awesome thing is I could add another $4,000 host server and run another 25 servers on it too! That's over $200,000 worth of servers for less than $20,000. In fact, I could throw another $2,000 into RAM alone to make sure Exchange and SQL server are happy while running along side several other less-demanding virtual servers on the same hardware and STILL stay under 75% CPU/RAM usage.
I can't imagine choosing badgers or dedicated servers over a virtual environment. Both are guaranteed to just poop all over your annual budgets without feeling the least bit guilty. Only virtualization will both save you money and cuddle up with you in the server room without biting.
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Willfully Ignorant and Obnoxious Christians
I have several relatives that insist on sending me every piece of 'Christian' propaganda garbage they can find on the Internet.
And to these loved ones, I want to say:
No, your emails of lies have not convinced me our new President is the anti-Christ.
No, your emails of lies have not convinced me to sign a petition so Jesus won't be portrayed as homosexual in a new movie.
No, I will not forward your cute, non-Scriptural, warm-fuzzy-filled email on to 16 people in the next 8 minutes to prove I love God. No, not even if you include the animated puppies and angels and size 72 pink flashing text.
No, our world will not be turned upside down by the removal of "In God We Trust" from the quarter.
No, you are not doing the world a favor or fulfilling the Great Commission by forwarding these alarmist and mostly false messages to all your AOL contacts.
My usual method of dealing with these stupid yet dangerous annoyances is to reply with a link to Snopes that sheds light on the lie. This doesn't always work.
One family member responded to my clarification by saying, "Oh well, I still forward things that will get someone to talk to God because that is never bad."
So even when you're wrong, you're right? This brings Proverbs 26:5 to my mind.
As for the lies, read Proverbs 12:22. While you're at it, check out Exodus 20:16.
The mindset of sounding the alarm and spreading the word regardless of logic or reason or fact is foreign to me. Christians who partake in and propagate these scams are why nonbelievers are justified when they look at us and think, "I do not want to be like that."
Think about it: are you doing more harm than good by forwarding that email? Proverbs 14:15 says you should at least have a coherent thought about it before passing it on.
A good start to spreading God's Word is to stop spreading substitutes.
So here's a test: I didn't link any of the Scripture I referenced above to the source. Did you check up on me? If you did, you're one of the few.
The delete button should now be your friend.
Go, and send no more.
__
And to these loved ones, I want to say:
No, your emails of lies have not convinced me our new President is the anti-Christ.
No, your emails of lies have not convinced me to sign a petition so Jesus won't be portrayed as homosexual in a new movie.
No, I will not forward your cute, non-Scriptural, warm-fuzzy-filled email on to 16 people in the next 8 minutes to prove I love God. No, not even if you include the animated puppies and angels and size 72 pink flashing text.
No, our world will not be turned upside down by the removal of "In God We Trust" from the quarter.
No, you are not doing the world a favor or fulfilling the Great Commission by forwarding these alarmist and mostly false messages to all your AOL contacts.
My usual method of dealing with these stupid yet dangerous annoyances is to reply with a link to Snopes that sheds light on the lie. This doesn't always work.
One family member responded to my clarification by saying, "Oh well, I still forward things that will get someone to talk to God because that is never bad."
So even when you're wrong, you're right? This brings Proverbs 26:5 to my mind.
As for the lies, read Proverbs 12:22. While you're at it, check out Exodus 20:16.
The mindset of sounding the alarm and spreading the word regardless of logic or reason or fact is foreign to me. Christians who partake in and propagate these scams are why nonbelievers are justified when they look at us and think, "I do not want to be like that."
Think about it: are you doing more harm than good by forwarding that email? Proverbs 14:15 says you should at least have a coherent thought about it before passing it on.
A good start to spreading God's Word is to stop spreading substitutes.
So here's a test: I didn't link any of the Scripture I referenced above to the source. Did you check up on me? If you did, you're one of the few.
The delete button should now be your friend.
Go, and send no more.
__
Do As I Say...
I hate it when users aren't prepared. They bring me dead computers, and each one apparently contains the next great American novel and all existing baby pictures of their loved ones.
Of course they don't have a backup.
Their lack of foresight now means I'm expected to go into Emergency Mode.
This is where I stop doing productive things and try to miraculously raise kaput hardware from the dead.
"Why didn't you make a backup?", I ask.
"I meant to! I just didn't have time."
"That's no excuse!"
These users drive me nuts. I'm glad I took the day off on Friday.
I'll have all kinds of time on my hands. I can do anything I want. I should make that backup I've been intending to do. That clicking sound from my hard drive probably doesn't mean anything.
Meh, I'll do it over the holidays.
---
Of course they don't have a backup.
Their lack of foresight now means I'm expected to go into Emergency Mode.
This is where I stop doing productive things and try to miraculously raise kaput hardware from the dead.
"Why didn't you make a backup?", I ask.
"I meant to! I just didn't have time."
"That's no excuse!"
These users drive me nuts. I'm glad I took the day off on Friday.
I'll have all kinds of time on my hands. I can do anything I want. I should make that backup I've been intending to do. That clicking sound from my hard drive probably doesn't mean anything.
Meh, I'll do it over the holidays.
---
The Globetrotter
If you see me at the airport, you'll probably think I'm a seasoned traveler.
I am.
But that doesn't mean I've gotten used to it.
I can rush through a security line with the best of 'em. I don't wear shoes with laces, I don't make a scene, and I can stack / unstack a pile of bins like a champion Sport Stacker.
I can recite the Safety Speech in my sleep. I can negotiate hotel rates with ease.
But that doesn't mean I don't have my share of issues.
While I'm in the security line at the airport, my seemingly calm mind is racing. "What if that guy's a terrorist? Will they catch him? What if they think I'm a terrorist? What will they do to me? What if I have to go into that glass "timeout" box for some one-on-one quality frisking time, again?"
After this brief moment of anxiety, I get to move on to the plane. What if I get on the wrong flight? This is a real concern, as I almost did this once. I had gotten to the airport early since I was worried about being late. I was catching the flight home from Kansas City (motto: "You came! Hey wait a minute, come back!"). I was two feet from handing my boarding pass to the attendant when the guy behind me said, "You ever been to Phoenix?"
"Yes", I replied. "I was born there."
"I bet they'll be glad to see you again."
I was so early, I was boarding the wrong flight!
Assuming I get to where I'm going, I then get to experience the joy that is renting a car. I don't care which company it is, they all have the same goal: Charge you a lot while confusing and scaring you. You'll reserve your car online by clicking on the "Cheap as stealing dirt!!!" link. You'll feel a bit adventurous and give yourself an upgrade from the PT Cruiser to any other car in the world. Then you show up at the rental place. You ask for your reserved car at the agreed upon price.
"I'm sorry", comes the reply. "We don't have that model available. We only have PT Cruisers."
"I was promised another car. Really, any other car."
"Nope, sorry. Oh, wait - we do have another car. Let me double check...yes, we have one other car available."
"Great, I'll take it. What a relief! The last time I was in a PT Cruiser, I thought the designers had a personal vendetta against me. Nothing was where it was supposed to be. The window controls were under the radio, and the analog clock was in the back seat. I think the trunk was on the roof and the engine was on vacation."
"I understand, sir. So you will be taking the other available model?"
"Yes, of course. Wait a minute, you're smirking...what's the other model?"
"A van, sir. An ancient, beat-up van with no windows."
"Like the kind kidnappers use?"
"Exactly! Oh, one other thing. The price has doubled since we're giving you an upgraded model."
So off I go in my kidnapper van...
...in a city that may or may be the same one I intended to visit.
---
I am.
But that doesn't mean I've gotten used to it.
I can rush through a security line with the best of 'em. I don't wear shoes with laces, I don't make a scene, and I can stack / unstack a pile of bins like a champion Sport Stacker.
I can recite the Safety Speech in my sleep. I can negotiate hotel rates with ease.
But that doesn't mean I don't have my share of issues.
While I'm in the security line at the airport, my seemingly calm mind is racing. "What if that guy's a terrorist? Will they catch him? What if they think I'm a terrorist? What will they do to me? What if I have to go into that glass "timeout" box for some one-on-one quality frisking time, again?"
After this brief moment of anxiety, I get to move on to the plane. What if I get on the wrong flight? This is a real concern, as I almost did this once. I had gotten to the airport early since I was worried about being late. I was catching the flight home from Kansas City (motto: "You came! Hey wait a minute, come back!"). I was two feet from handing my boarding pass to the attendant when the guy behind me said, "You ever been to Phoenix?"
"Yes", I replied. "I was born there."
"I bet they'll be glad to see you again."
I was so early, I was boarding the wrong flight!
Assuming I get to where I'm going, I then get to experience the joy that is renting a car. I don't care which company it is, they all have the same goal: Charge you a lot while confusing and scaring you. You'll reserve your car online by clicking on the "Cheap as stealing dirt!!!" link. You'll feel a bit adventurous and give yourself an upgrade from the PT Cruiser to any other car in the world. Then you show up at the rental place. You ask for your reserved car at the agreed upon price.
"I'm sorry", comes the reply. "We don't have that model available. We only have PT Cruisers."
"I was promised another car. Really, any other car."
"Nope, sorry. Oh, wait - we do have another car. Let me double check...yes, we have one other car available."
"Great, I'll take it. What a relief! The last time I was in a PT Cruiser, I thought the designers had a personal vendetta against me. Nothing was where it was supposed to be. The window controls were under the radio, and the analog clock was in the back seat. I think the trunk was on the roof and the engine was on vacation."
"I understand, sir. So you will be taking the other available model?"
"Yes, of course. Wait a minute, you're smirking...what's the other model?"
"A van, sir. An ancient, beat-up van with no windows."
"Like the kind kidnappers use?"
"Exactly! Oh, one other thing. The price has doubled since we're giving you an upgraded model."
So off I go in my kidnapper van...
...in a city that may or may be the same one I intended to visit.
---
And a Cartridge In a Pear Tree
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - five server racks, four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - six Nintendo Wiis, five server racks, four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - seven Audible books, six Nintendo Wiis, five server racks, four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - eight fiber lines, seven Audible books, six Nintendo Wiis, five server racks, four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - nine KVMs, eight fiber lines, seven Audible books, six Nintendo Wiis, five server racks, four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - ten satellite phones, nine KVMs, eight fiber lines, seven Audible books, six Nintendo Wiis, five server racks, four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - eleven French presses, ten satellite phones, nine KVMs, eight fiber lines, seven Audible books, six Nintendo Wiis, five server racks, four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - twelve Android phones, eleven French presses, ten satellite phones, nine KVMs, eight fiber lines, seven Audible books, six Nintendo Wiis, five server racks, four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
Boy, I hope the stores are open the day after Christmas - I have some returns!
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - five server racks, four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - six Nintendo Wiis, five server racks, four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - seven Audible books, six Nintendo Wiis, five server racks, four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - eight fiber lines, seven Audible books, six Nintendo Wiis, five server racks, four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - nine KVMs, eight fiber lines, seven Audible books, six Nintendo Wiis, five server racks, four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - ten satellite phones, nine KVMs, eight fiber lines, seven Audible books, six Nintendo Wiis, five server racks, four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - eleven French presses, ten satellite phones, nine KVMs, eight fiber lines, seven Audible books, six Nintendo Wiis, five server racks, four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - twelve Android phones, eleven French presses, ten satellite phones, nine KVMs, eight fiber lines, seven Audible books, six Nintendo Wiis, five server racks, four SD cards, three iPods, two Macbook Airs, and a cartridge in a pear tree.
Boy, I hope the stores are open the day after Christmas - I have some returns!
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