Life Advice for Evan - Guest Post by Joseph Craven

Joseph Craven is a relatively new acquaintance of mine. We met in a bar in Philly on the Internet, which is how I meet all my friends.

Joseph is qualified to post on my blog for a number of reasons. The first is that I have a brother named Joe. Both appear to be taller than me and can probably make me cry.

But the real reason is that as with every other blogger I know, I quickly recognized Joseph is funnier than me. When that happens, I beg for a guest post. Joe doesn't like begging, so I demanded it of him.

J blogs at The Greatest Blog of All Time. He's also on Twitter. Check him out (I can say that - he's not married).

In the comments, please leave some additional life advice for my shiny new son, Evan. Also, leave a random new nickname for Joseph Craven. It's all right, it's not like he knows where you live.

Baby Evan Uses a Computer

Yesterday we took Evan to the doctor for a weight checkup.

The nurse was nice and chatted with us for a few minutes about her first child. Then she got down to business...

"Take off his clothes and his diaper and place him on the scale, please."

"His diaper too?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"We need an accurate weight."

I removed the diaper and winced.

Nothing.

With a sigh of relief, I placed Evan on the scale on the nurse's desk next to her computer monitor and keyboard. The nurse took the measurement, and then gasped as Evan exploded on the desk, and the monitor, and the keyboard...and then politely used his hose to put the fire out.

That's what IT folks do, right - put out fires?

I'm proud of you, Son.

Have your kids ever shocked strangers?
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If My Son Were An Operating System

If my son were an operating system, he'd be Linux. Linux isn't new, and babies aren't new...but this baby? It's the latest distro. Though it's built on the same kernel as it's predecessor, you should upgrade to this distro. It's entirely different and anyone who doesn't like it is old-school. Maybe you should RTFM.

If my son were an operating system, he'd be OS X. He doesn't have many features. There's iPoo, iCry, iEat and iSleep. But what he lacks in features he makes up for in simplicity. He's easy to use and has a very attractive form factor.

If my son were an operating system, he'd be Windows. The accessories you can use with this version are endless! The downside is that nothing's free and there's a million things to update. The stroller? Outdated! Buy a new one! That car seat is more than two years old? Security vulnerability - upgrade it! Your car won't hold all these accoutrements? You need a bigger drive!


What did iMiss?
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Baby Potpourri, Baby

• My son is very well-tempered. He doesn't cry unless he needs changed or fed. Or when he suddenly thinks wild boars are about to eat him.
• Is it too soon to start using my son as an excuse to watch more baseball and football? You know, for bonding purposes?
• I read my son Bible stories. I bought a Baby Bible from the Kindle store for this. My son is 8 days old. I read; he poops. Buying a Baby Bible to read him is equivalent to reading him a thesaurus instead of Roots.
• He'd better not commit any crimes. I have a copy of his footprints.
• He doesn't have a Social Security number yet. I wonder if 12 is taken?
• Sometimes he nurses too fast and chokes. I have to remind him to chew first and not to cry with his mouth full.

Why is my son so awesome? Make up the most ridiculous idea you can in the comments.

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When Things Get Rocky

From our labor day to yours, Merry Christmas!

Time to get up, time to get moving. There are no naps in this dojo!

What are you doing today?
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Things Your Baby Will Bring to the Table - Guest Post by Rob Shepherd

Rob Shepherd is one of my internet twins. Sometimes I read his posts aloud...before he's posted them.

He's a blogger, pastor, husband and father of twins, which is why I'm honored he would write a guest post for me while Jana and I are trying to figure out how to be parents for the first time (P.S. - if you have some extra sleep, please feel free to email it to me).

I wrote a guest post for him a while back. If you haven't read it yet and would like to laugh at me in my absence, click these four words after you read Rob's list of things your baby will bring to the table.

You're up, Rob...

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Being a dad of five month old twins, I think that I can write with great authority about what your baby is going to bring to the table. Now when I write 'table', I mean things they are going to be good at when they are first born.

• Pooping. Babies are great at this. The first couple of poos look like they ate straight oil in the womb. It’s gross.  One benefit of all this pooping is that you can blame all of your funky smells on them and no one will question it.
• Crying. I don’t know if your kid will be as gifted as mine, but my kids were gifted criers when they were first born. They would cry in the middle of the night on a consistent basis.  They also would wait to cry until we sat down to eat, watch a TV show, or try to sleep ourselves. Good luck with that.
• Sleep. They sleep a lot. For our first week of parenting my wife and I looked at each other and said, “parenting is easy.” Those jokers sleep a lot. It’s like you have a little coma victim who wakes up to eat only to fall back to sleep when they are done. We thought parenting was easy, but then week two happened and their crying outweighed their sleeping.
• Sneezing. Babies apparently don’t have nose hairs so they sneeze pretty often. Don’t worry they aren’t getting sick. They just sneeze a lot.
• Rolling their eyes up into their head. My daughter did this more than my son but it freaked us out every time. It’s like they don’t have full control of their eyes and those things roll all around the back of their head.
• Getting out of swaddles. Now the first week they slept so much they did not bust out of their swaddles. Come week two my kids became escape artists and would get out of the most tightly swaddled swaddle.

The truth is that if your kid is like my kids, they won’t bring a lot to the table for the first few weeks. They cost you money, sleep, and will probably cause you to tell your wife “what were we thinking.” Even though they don’t bring a lot to the table you will feel a love for them that you cannot describe. They haven’t done anything to deserve your love but you will love them with all your heart. It reminds me of how God must feel about us. I don’t bring a lot to the table. God doesn’t love me because of anything that I do. He loves me because He’s my father.

1 John 3:1a - “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!”

What else do babies bring to the table?

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Good Admins Behaving Badly - Guest Post by Chad Jones

It's been several years since this happened, but I remember it like yesterday: our Helpdesk staff was going to be in all day training, and a coworker and I were voluntold to man the call center.

Now, I was no stranger to the call center--having run (a one man) one in a previous position.

"Help desk, can I help it? Er, how can I help you? Your Microsoft Word won't do what? Let me dispatch a tech."

I have to say: that part--the dispatching--was fun. Instead of being dispatched, I was the dispatcher, and I dispatched with abandon!

"Your printer is jammed? [I could tell you how to clear it--nah!] Let me send a tech."

"Ok, I'll unlock your account. I'm not supposed to. You're welcome."

Now, as fun as making working for other people was, that was nowhere near the highlight of my day. That came when I went on break.

What you need to understand is that it was around the holidays, and consequently a number of staff were on vacation. And with work still needing to be done, a number of temps were brought in to do that work.

Including in the director's office.

Which is where I pretended to be calling from when I called the helpdesk. (Please imagine me with an Indian accent).

"Hehlo? Is is dis de halpdask? I am temporary wuhrker in director office. De cards woan deal."

"Excuse me? What? Yes, this is the helpdesk. What did you say your problem was?"

"De cards--dey woan deal. Dey tell me to practice duh drag an drohp."

"What cards, sir? Can you tell me which application you're having a problem with?"

"Soll-ee-tahre--de cards woan deal."

"You're playing Solitaire? What's your name?"

"Vijay Singh. I am temporahry wurhker in director office."

"Hold on, please." She puts me on hold (all the while not knowing it's me, and obviously, I found this all out later).

"Hey, Susan (the supervisor), this guy says he's playing Solitaire. I thought we didn't allow games on office PCs?"

"Where's he at?"

"Says the director's office."

"What's his name?"

"Vijay Singh."

At this point Susan, who was a golfer, burst out laughing.

"You've been had, girl! Vijay Singh is a famous golfer! A-ha-ha!"

My coworker went to get back on the line with me, but I'd hung up.

A few minutes later, I returned to the office resume answering calls.

She said to me, "You won't believe what just happened..."

"Let me guess -  'De cards woan deal...'"

"A**hole."
And so it goes when good admins do bad.


Thank-you very much! I'll be here all week.

What pranks have you pulled at work?

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Chad lives in Arizona with his wife, Lisa, and two children. He's network admin, and all-around go-to tech guy for a company he declines to name (on account of he wants to keep working there). This time of year, he dreams of Alaska. Also, he's lived in Arizona for nearly 37 years, and had never heard of a haboob prior to this year.

He blogs at RandomlyChad, and either lives up, or down, to that moniker (depending on your point of view). You can also follow him on Twitter.
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