The Ultimate Movie - Guest Post by Knox McCoy

Today we have a special treat - a guest post by Knox McCoy.

Knox McCoy is Superman. He's a husband. Father of two. He blogs, runs The My Bad Project, and co-created TV Asylum.

He's genuine, hilarious and the secret love child of Tyler Stanton and Jon Acuff.

Take it away, Knox!

[EDIT: Knox didn't really write this. This was part of an elaborate April Fool's Day scheme involving Chad Jones, Amanda Bast, Joseph Craven, Kevin Haggerty, Heather Summers and Rob Shepherd. Check out their parody posts by clicking each of their names above.]

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I LOVE MOVIES.

I know, right?

There's so many that are classics. Hundreds that are my favorite. Several that fell just short of the mark. I mean, I left The Matrix thinking, "There is no spoon? I thought there would be a variety of spoons. I was told this explicitly."

But there is no perfect movie.

UNTIL NOW.

I have decided to create what has eluded Hollywood for millions of years.

This movie will kick butt and take names. It will make you laugh. It will make you cry. It will make adrenaline squirt out your ears. You'll give it a standing ovation and refuse to leave the theater until they show it again.

It will be called Ultimate Awesome. It's so good, they're already casting the sequel.

Speaking of casting - you can't resist a movie that has Matt Damon, Reese Witherspoon, Sean Connery, Emma Watson, Robert De Niro, Nicole Kidman, Liam Neeson and Morgan Freeman...IN THE OPENING SCENE.

Love on the high seas.

Zip lines. Explosions.

Dramatic betrayal and redemption.

Slapstick. Wordplay.

Belly dancers.

I haven't even written the script yet, but the initial reviews are already in.

"Sweet Alamo, that was fantastic." - Everbody

I promise no Julie Roberts, though. That horse grin scares me.


What part do you want to play in Ultimate Awesome?
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Happy Birthday, The Joseph Craven of The Greatest Blog of All Time

Amanda Bast is classy.

She found out that today is The Joseph Craven's birthday.

A month ago, she got together a bunch of bloggers and asked them to record a video telling The Joseph Craven that he's getting closer to uncontrollable ear hair.

While there may be many kind and wonderful folks in this video, I think you'll agree that my 6-month-old movie star son, Evan steals the show.

Click here to watch Amanda's tribute to Joe. I can call him that because he lives so far away.


Agree with me below in the comments or I'll delete your comment. Deal? Deal.
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Kids Aren’t Funny - Guest Post by Amanda Bast

Amanda Bast and I are swapping posts today. Amanda is yet another funny Canadian. They seem to be infiltrating the Internets as of late. You can follow her on Twitter, and read her funny blog.


After reading Amanda's post here, head on over to her blog to read my post, Weird Crap That Freaks Ricky Out.

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I work with children. I have nieces and a nephew. My friends have kids. I generally find myself surrounded by children. One thing that I have noticed is this: kids are not funny. At all.

They don’t understand comedic timing. They don’t understand how to craft a joke, with a set up and a punch line. I’ve never seen a kid do stand up. If they did, it would be safe to say they wouldn’t do a very good job. I’ve never seen a child make a living by being funny. It just doesn’t happen. Why? Because kids aren’t funny.

Near the end of the school year, I found myself in a class of Kindergarteners and exceptionally bored. I asked them if they had heard any good jokes recently. I was flocked by admirers wanting to tell me – the greatest comedian of this generation – a few knee slappers. I was looking forward to it, but was horribly disappointed with what I heard:

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
I forgot to eat my giraffe!

I think I missed something. What happened to the banana? What would make you forget to eat something as big and noticeable as a giraffe? Do you own this giraffe? Is the giraffe made of chocolate? Is this a real giraffe we’re talking about? Because if it’s a real giraffe then I think you’ve got some grievances to settle with PETA or something. Five years old and eating safari animals? Dude, you need help.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ice cream banana.
Ice cream banana who?
I didn’t eat my banana before I ate my ice cream!

First of all, I’m impressed that you have this sophisticated joke structure all figured out. That is more than I can say about some kids I know. But really? You think it’s funny to not eat fruit? Do you know what happened to sailors who didn’t eat fruit? They got scurvy and their teeth fell out. And they probably died. Want to tell me again why exactly it’s hilarious to eat your dessert first?

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
I like to sign your fritters off.

And we’re back to bananas and not understanding the format of this joke or how to form a coherent sentence. If you’re a parent, please ask yourself what you are teaching your children. Judging by this evidence, it’s clearly not enough. As far as I can tell, all these kids learn is that bananas are a real riot and that fritters can in fact be signed off. And rules? Who needs ‘em!

Why did the cow fall on the floor?
I don’t know, why?
Because he was made of CAAAAARDboard!

Thanks for telling me that joke like I’m an idiot who doesn’t understand jokes. That was a real self confidence boost. I’m obviously an idiot because I fail to see how being made of cardboard is a logical reason for a cow to fall on the floor. If I were a cow made out of cardboard, maybe I’d like to hang out on the floor. Maybe falling on the floor isn’t such a bad thing. Maybe I’m better off on the floor. You don’t know that. Please stop 

including illogical reasoning in your comedic material.

Mashed potato said I have a pony head!

Are you done? I think you’re done. Oh. Are you telling on someone? I really hope there isn’t a kid named Mashed Potato in this class and I really hope he didn’t say you had a pony head. Although I kind of see where he’s coming from. Can you imagine? Mr. and Mrs. Potato naming their firstborn Mashed. If I was teased for being called Mashed Potato, it would really get me boiling. Steamed, even. I bet his self esteem has been squashed. If there isn’t a kid named Mashed Potato in your class, then why are you sharing this information with me? It kind of sounds like a punch line. I don’t know to what joke it belongs, but it could perhaps be a punch line.

I’ll tell you what. You’re not eating zoo animals or obsessed with bananas and you’re not talking to me like I’m an idiot or disregarding important rules. Sure you forgot the joke set up and you have a horse face. But do you know what? I can work with that. You may just be the exception to the “kids aren’t funny” rule.


What's the worst kid joke you've ever heard? Monkey on your head!
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