Pickled Spleen Condition, a Memoir of the Late Alfred P. Bootbonger III, Jr.

• There is a lady outside my office who's coughing up a spleen. She refuses to go home.
• I have never seen a spleen. I am not keen to see a spleen, especially if it is green, which means it is not clean and quite obscene.
• I have reached a new pinnacle (not pickle) of laziness: a friend sent me an email with a list of questions. I didn't feel like typing all those words and sentences out in response, so I left him a voicemail.
• The message I left was this: "I've been doing pretty good. You? See ya."
• I am a horrible friend.
• But I don't charge too much.
• I think I'd make a pretty good medical researcher. They're the ones who name health conditions when they're first discovered, right? My son got hand, foot and mouth disease last week. I could have named that disease.
• I could have named headaches, too.
• Also heart attacks.
• But not meningitis.

Would you like the extended warranty with your fries?
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