AA Meetings for Computer Abusers

Steve: Hi, my name is Steve, and I abuse computers.

Group: Hi, Steve!

Group Member: Why do you abuse computers?

Steve: I don't follow my company's Acceptable Use Policy. I connect my iPod to an unauthorized wireless network.

Group: Gasp!

Steve: I just have trouble accepting the quiet without Pandora and the boredom without Words With Friends. I need to give it up and learn to forgive myself.

Group Member: Hi, my name is Ethel, and I abuse computers.

Group:  Hi, Ethel!

Ethel: I like being forward. I love forwarded emails, and I love forwarding emails on. To everyone.

Group: Gasp!

Ethel: I love the colorful 72 point font, and I giggle with pleasure when there's cats and flashing exclamation points. I need to learn to hit 'Delete' instead of 'Forward'.

Group Member: Thanks, Ethel. My name is Max, and I abuse computers.

Group: Hi, Max!

Max: I love Facebook - not that there's anything wrong with that! Some of my best friends are on Facebook! I just don't use it for stalking old crushes and keeping in touch with my extended family, like I should. I play Mafia Wars and Farmville. I poke my friends and send them birthday cakes. I sign them up for every cause I can find.

Group: Gasp!

Group Member In the Back: Stone him!

Max: I need to learn to use Twitter and just connect with people. I don't need the annoying apps.

Group Leader: I'm proud of all of you for coming. That's all for this week. Next week, we'll focus on something big. Something that can save you from your abusive ways. Can anyone tell me what that is?

Max: Hand sanitizer?

Group Leader: Close, but more like hand sanitizer for your computer. Repeat after me - 'Micro-soft Se-cur-ity E-ssen-tials.' Until then, I want you all to practice rebooting.



Sgt. Wolverine said...

MSE is great...but what about any Mac users in the group? Doesn't that suggestion make them feel left out?

Matthew said...

Hi, I hit Reply to All to the emails I get from our marketing department. It is important to me that the entire company knows that I am engaged

Ricky Anderson said...

Sarge, the Mac users don't care what we think about them. They're stuck up that way.

Yes, I know you're a member of that cult.

Matt, I know you are referring to my faux paw a couple weeks ago. I will slap you when I get back in town next week.

Some Guy said...

I leave my computer on all the time. I know when it's time to reboot because the computer tells me to, with a nice blue screen. Is there a group for me?

Ricky Anderson said...

Of course there is!

Say hello to my folks for me.

Sgt. Wolverine said...

I prefer to think of myself as a fan of aluminum. Lots and lots of aluminum. I mean, it contains two of my favorite things -- pop and computers -- so it's only natural I'd be a fan of it!